


Sins of Omission -  an AgentCorp fic

by JBKid



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AgentCorp, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Anxiety, BAMF Alex Danvers, BAMF Lucy Lane, Depression, Eliza Danvers is Very Perceptive, F/F, Flashbacks, Graphic depictions of violence - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Hurt not much comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Torture, Nightmares, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Swearing, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, lots of swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:20:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 52,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27643342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JBKid/pseuds/JBKid
Summary: What happens when terrible communication skills meet Very Bad coping strategies.------------“Get off me.”She was awake and desperately trying to rip her monitor cables free, which had clearly been what set off the alarms. Her movements seemed wrong somehow, weak, slow, like she was moving under water.Lena ushered the medical staff out of the way and grabbed the women’s wrists to still her thrashing.“Alex...Alex, it’s me, it’s Lena, you’re safe.”Alex tried to focus on her, struggling as if she was drunk and having trouble picking which face she could see to focus on.“No...get away from me...you’re not real...you’re one of them. You’re a hallucination. I won’t tell you anything, you hear me.” Her eyes went wide and her voice was a near scream again as she wrenched her wrists free and tried to scramble backwards across the bed.“You‘re not real, you're not her, you‘re not real…” Her panicked voice faded as two med techs managed to grab her from behind and inject a sedative into her neck.
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 97
Kudos: 286





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> For the purposes of this story James Olsen didn’t get shot until after Kara tells Lena her identity at the Pulitzer ceremony. He and Lena never dated and Alex hasn’t met Kelly Olsen. 
> 
> Having been unable to find out, I am assuming Lucy Lane is older than Alex.
> 
> Slightly canon divergent from Ep 4.10 onwards but massively so after the Pulitzer ceremony in Ep 5.01.
> 
> Hat tips to The_Ominous_Owl for meet me here in the liminal spaces and TeamScienceMegaNerds for 30 Miles East both of which I love and definitely influenced me to write this fic.
> 
> Thanks to Gaydisasterdanvers for early editing duties.
> 
> Please be aware of the tags and associated potential triggers. I have marked this Mature as it's a very dark read.
> 
> You can talk to me on Tumblr & Twitter: @JellyBabyKid

Alex paused outside the door, frowning. Something definitely felt wrong, a tension that wasn’t there earlier in the evening, but she couldn’t quite pin it down to anything specific.

Frequently being in charge of the security for the events they attended, and some attempt at discretion, often meant that she and Lena left events separately. That Lena didn’t let her know she was leaving or whisper her now usual “see you later” in Alex’s ear as she left had set her nerves on edge as she waited for a reply.

She had expected things would be easier now that Kara had finally told Lena about her not so secret identity at the Pulitzer ceremony that evening, so this sensation of anxiety seemed oddly misplaced.

Alex’s thoughts were broken as Lena opened the door. Instead of greeting Alex, she stepped back into the room and away from her, putting distance between them. She turned to face her, her arms folded and her expression unreadable.

At this silent reception Alex felt her already raised anxiety spike, sending a prickle of fear along her spine. A feeling of tension arcing between them like ozone building before an electrical storm.

“You knew,” Lena’s voice was quiet, calm and cold when she finally spoke. “All this time, you knew.”

“It wasn’t my secret to tell.”

“You made me trust you, Alex, after everything I’ve been through with my family, all the betrayals, but this...” Lena gestured between them.

Alex looked at her, desperately trying to think of something to say.

“Lex told me.” Lena’s words were clipped and harsh.

Alex felt herself go completely still, a swirl of adrenaline surging in her veins.

“Before he died, he told me that you had made fools of me. All of you. I waited for you to tell me, I waited for any of you to say anything, but you, Alex. That hurts most of all.” Lena nodded towards her, as if emphasising the point. Her jaw clenched as her eyes glittered in the artificial light of the penthouse, unshed tears shining as she stared at the other woman.

“I killed him. I shot my brother for you, for all of you, for Kara. I knew the world wouldn’t be safe with him in it.”

Alex was too stunned to speak, unable to respond. Suddenly it had become too hard to breathe, her chest tightening, and then she felt something inside her harden and break, clenching her own jaw and feeling her hands fist involuntarily as she realised they had both been lying to each other, that Lena hadn’t told her that she already knew about her sister.

Lena watched the expression change on Alex’s face and assumed that she was judging her actions towards her brother. A final insult.

“Get out.” Lena’s voice was small and cold but carried clearly.

Alex turned on her heel and the slamming of the door echoed behind her.

\------------------------------

Alex found herself standing outside a different door a short while later, her fists still clenched, breathing hard, trying to control the maelstrom of thoughts whirling in her mind.

She didn’t knock, knowing she didn’t need to, and waited for the door to be opened.

Kara wrenched the door open, frowning at the unexpected visitor

“Alex, what’s wrong?” Kara’s tone verged on panic, having heard her sister’s racing heartbeat and seen the look on her face. She hadn’t seen her sister look at her with that particular cold expression since they had argued as teenagers, not long after Kara had first arrived on Earth, when the elder Danvers resented the intrusion in her life.

Alex brushed past her sister, turning to face her, barely waiting for Kara to close the door behind her before she spoke, her words staccato and rapid, tumbling over each other.

“She knew Kara. Lex told her. She knew you were Supergirl and was waiting to see if any of us were going to tell her. If you would tell her.” Her voice dropped to be almost inaudible. “If I would tell her.” Alex looked away, trying to control the tears welling in her eyes, to swallow past the pain in her chest.

“You?” Kara sounded confused

“We were dating. That's why I pushed you so hard to tell her, because I couldn’t. It wasn’t my secret to tell.” Alex looked at Kara then, her eyes full of sadness and her voice dripping with painful irony that her own sense of honour had been her undoing.

“I..I love her.” She paused, at the shock of actually saying it out loud for the first time. “And now she hates me. I am just another person who betrayed her; her family, her best friend and now her lover.” She paused, visibly shaking. “And that last one is your fault. I understood you keeping it from her, to protect her, but we agreed, I begged you to tell her and now I’ve lost her because of it.” Alex scrubbed her hands down her face.

“She shot her fucking brother, to protect us and all she sees when she looks at us, at me, is more betrayal.”

Kara frowned at her sister, trying to process the enormity of what she was telling her.

Alex stared at her silent sister. “I can’t be around you right now.”

Before Kara could say anything Alex was gone, and she found herself staring at the closed apartment door.

\------------------------------

Alex didn’t know where she was going but she urged her bike faster and faster along the coastal road out of the city, eyes focused, but mind elsewhere. The pain so overwhelming it was almost numbing.

Tears began to fall, blurring her vision and forcing her to pull over. She kicked down the stand on her bike and climbed off, stumbling blindly. Barely managing to yank the helmet off her head before her legs crumpled under her and she hit the ground. Her helmet rolled out of her hands as she struggled to take a ragged breath. Burying her face in her hands the sobs came, tears pouring down her face. Every muscle in her chest strained as she sobbed, so painful she could barely breathe.

She kept seeing Lena’s face in her mind’s eye. The coldness of her expression as she had told her to get out felt like ice stabbing her in the heart. She had thought that this would be their chance, once Kara finally told Lena, she and Alex could tell her Kara they were together and there would be no more secrets. Alex had begged her sister to come clean to her best friend, as she had started to realise that she had fallen in love with Lena, and she wanted to tell her. And now it was broken. Alex balled her hands into fists and wailed with rage and pain. She pressed her fists against her eyes and wept.

She stayed that way until the sobs subsided and the tears ran dry. As she knelt in the dirt at the side of the road and tried to gather her breath an idea started to form. Retrieving her helmet she strode purposefully towards her bike and steered it back towards the city.

Arriving home faster than she probably should have, Alex ditched her jacket and helmet on the couch as she passed. Grabbing a glass and a half finished bottle of scotch from the counter she sat down at the table, opening her laptop and logging into the secure DEO server as she poured herself a drink.

_**Six months later** _

Lena was sitting at her desk, absorbed in the endless pages of text on her laptop’s screen, when she gradually started to become aware of an incessant buzzing, nudging at the edges of her awareness, becoming more insistent and irritating. Dragging her concentration from the screen she looked around for the source of the interruption and snatched at her blinking, buzzing phone.

Picking it up, she stared at the screen with irritation. The name on the display caused a momentary frown of confusion; J’onn J’onzz.

She hesitated before pressing the answer button.

“Lena?”

“Yes.” Her reply was clipped.

“Lena, it’s Alex. There’s been an...incident. We need your help. She needs your help.”

“What’s happened?” Despite everything, despite herself, she felt a rush of emotions rise up in her chest. Mostly panic. Her Alex? The thought was there before she had even registered it.

“Can you come to the DEO?”

“I’m...I’m on my way.” Lena hung up with shaking hands, frantically stuffing the phone in her suit jacket pocket.

Her mind reeled. After all this time. Where had Alex been? She felt her fury with the woman immediately reignite. Yes, they had fought, but for her to just disappear? Lena paused and took a deep breath. Overriding the fury came a wave of relief. Alex was back. She felt a warmth in her chest just thinking about her and a faint smile ghosted over her lips. Relief was short lived, drowned by a rising, nauseous surge of panic. What had happened to her? Why did the DEO need her, of all people?

She looked frantically around her office, trying to decide what she might need. Grabbing her purse and her tablet she ran out of the office, pushing her feelings aside as she shrugged into her coat.

\------------------------------

“Thanks for coming Lena. I know this is a big ask, but you were the only person we could call, the only one with experience in alien tech.” J’onn gestured toward the medical bay as he spoke.

Lena stopped suddenly as she entered the medical bay. The body on the bed, once so familiar to her, was so changed. Already muscular, now all softness was gone, muscles hard and tight. Scars and bruises she hadn’t seen before covered the visible skin and the face looked drawn and tired, even in unconsciousness. Her total immobility was disconcerting, Lena was used to Alex always moving, so vital, and now she was so very still.

Lena took a breath to steady herself and focussed on her patient, not Alex, not her Alex but a patient. A patient who needed her, and got to work.

\------------------------------

Lena walked into what she still thought of as Alex’s lab. She looked around her and barely noticed her surroundings, completely lost in thought.

They had run every scan, every test she could think of and now all she could do was wait for the results. Lena detested waiting.

J’onn walked in behind her.

“Thank you for coming. I’m sorry I had to ask but you were the only one with relevant knowledge, except Alex, ironically.”

“What the hell happened, J’onn?” Lena turned to face the Martian. “Where has she been all this time? She just...vanished. It’s been six months.”

J’onn frowned at her.

“She wasn’t the same after the two of you split up.”

Lena was too surprised to feign ignorance.

“You knew about us?”

“Yes.” He paused. ”She told me pretty much everything. Or she used to. I knew you two were together. It was tearing her up inside not being able to tell you.”

Lena’s jaw tightened and she turned away.

“She hasn’t spoken to Kara since. She blames her as she begged her to tell you.”

Lena turned back to face him.

“Is that why this happened? Because Kara - Supergirl - wasn’t there to protect her?” Lena asked angrily.

“No. Alex hasn’t been part of the DEO proper for some time. She's been...” He paused. “Working with special projects. That’s why I’m here. I stepped in as Director again while Alex was.” He hesitated. “On secondment. She hasn’t been working with Kara - Supergirl - for months.”

“Special projects?” Lena quirked an eyebrow. “You mean black ops.”

J’onn took a deep breath, his brow creasing in a frown as he realised that Lena was already too involved not to tell her the whole truth.

“She’s got a destructive streak. You know that. She thought it would be a safer way of channeling it than…” He trailed off.

“Safe?” Lena’s voice rose an octave and in volume. “How, on any Earth, is black ops safe?!”

J’onn sighed. “You know it was me that recruited Alex for the DEO? When I first recruited her she was a mess, she’d just lost her Dad and she was spiralling. I picked her up from county holding; she’d been arrested for being drunk and disorderly. She was lucky, it was almost a DUI.”

Lena looked sharply up at him.

“DEO black ops is controlled, disciplined. But…”

“It didn’t help, did it? She went rogue.” It was a statement, not a question.

“Major Lane was her commanding officer, and her friend, so it didn’t seem such a crazy idea when Alex reached out to her. You know there is no way of talking Alex out of something when she has set her mind to it.”

“She volunteered for this?!”

J’onn winced as a couple of passing agents turned to stare at them, even through the closed lab door, at the volume of Lena’s voice.

“We - Lucy and I - thought Alex was ok, she was doing great with the training and the first few missions. It seemed to help. It seemed to give her purpose, focus. But…” He sighed. “She can be stubborn and secretive and neither of us realised the extent of the risks she was taking. Or how much she was drinking, either. She started going off-world a lot on solo missions. She’s Director level and covert ops so there isn’t quite so much….” He trailed off.

“Accountability?” Lena laughed mirthlessly “Of course - plausible deniability.”

J’onn had the grace to at least look chagrined at that.

Any further discussion was interrupted by Kara barreling into the lab and enveloping Lena in a hug.

“Oh, thank Rao you're here.”

It was an irony that Alex’s leaving had actually managed to get them to talk openly and restore their friendship, leaning on each other in her absence.

“How is she?”

As Kara released her, Lena realised Kara hadn’t arrived alone, a woman in black fatigues and body armour stood behind her, just inside the lab door, a helmet in her hands.

“For the moment she’s stable, but she’s still unconscious. I’m hoping we’ll know more when I get the results of the tests. It’s like she’s been hit with some kind of biological EMP; her autonomic nervous system is still working but all motor functions have effectively been switched off. Her mind is still working but seems to be in some kind of…..” She gestured vaguely, as if trying to find the right word. “Stasis. It’s like she stuck in some sort of REM cycle, for want of a better description.” She frowned.

“As I said, I'm waiting for the results of some more tests, which will hopefully help us figure out what's going on and how we can help her.”

“How did this happen?” Kara looked confused as she glanced between Lena and the woman who had arrived with her. “Lucy had Alex’s watch and pushed the emergency button and I brought her straight here.” Kara looked at Lena and gestured to the woman in combat gear.

“How was Alex already here…?” Kara looked at Lena.

The black clad woman stepped forward, extending her hand to shake Lena’s.

“Major Lane - Lucy.” Her grip was firm.

“Lena. Do you want me to look at those?” She gestured at the woman’s face, blood smeared and grimy, as were the rest of her clothes.

Lucy touched her brow and looked surprised when her fingers came away smeared with blood.

“It’s fine, thanks.”

“Lucy - why was Alex with you and why wasn't she wearing her watch? What is going on and where has Alex been? And how did she get to the DEO?”

“We teleported Alex here as soon as me and my team got her back to Earth. We brought her back through Roulette’s portal. We've been using it for off world missions. We, well mostly Alex, designed a one person teleport based on the technology. Our medical facilities at the desert base aren’t equipped to deal with this kind of thing, but the teleport only takes one person, so I sent her her here, and that’s why I had you come and get me, and so I could tell you in person she’d been hurt.”

“That doesn’t explain what happened.” Kara sounded exasperated.

“We’re still trying to figure that out.”

“That doesn't explain why she was with you, in the desert.”

“You know about Kara?” Lena asked incredulously, having been watching this exchange with curiosity.

“I ran the DEO office here, briefly.”

“Lane...you’re Lois’ sister?”

“Clearly there are lots of explanations needed, so can I at least see her?” Kara demanded interrupting further discussions for a second time that day.

“Yes.” Lena ushered them all out and into the medical bay where Alex was lying, immobile, on a medical bed and wired up to an array of machinery. Her heartbeat provided the only sound in the room, a steady beep, relayed via one of the many monitors she was connected to.

\------------------------------

Lena sat in Alex’s lab staring at her laptop screen, she hoped that the millionth time she read the results would tell her something she had missed. She couldn’t bring herself to go to her office to work, not wanting to be even a few blocks away in case Alex finally woke up. It had been a week and, as each day passed without the other woman regaining consciousness, she could feel her insides twisting tighter.

She was snapped out of her reverie when it sounded like every alarm in the building started going off at once. Beneath the cacophony she could hear running feet. Her tablet flashed red warning signs at her and she realised they were medical alarms and the running she could hear was heading towards the medical bay.

As Lena crossed the hallway and raced into the room she could hear Alex screaming.

“Get off me.”

She was awake and desperately trying to rip her monitor cables free, which had clearly been what set off the alarms. Her movements seemed wrong somehow, weak, slow, like she was moving under water.

Lena ushered the medical staff out of the way and grabbed the women’s wrists to still her thrashing.

“Alex...Alex, it’s me, it’s Lena, you’re safe.”

Alex tried to focus on her, struggling as if she was drunk and having trouble picking which face she could see to focus on.

“No...get away from me...you’re not real...you’re one of them. You’re a hallucination. I won’t tell you anything, you hear me.” Her eyes went wide and her voice was a near scream again as she wrenched her wrists free and tried to scramble backwards across the bed.

“You‘re not real, you're not her, you‘re not real…” Her panicked voice faded as two med techs managed to grab her from behind and inject a sedative into her neck.

She crumpled, like her bones had turned to rubber, and they eased her back into bed and started reapplying monitor pads.

Kara appeared at the door then, tears in her eyes as she watched her sister being maneuvered back into bed.

Lucy brushed passed her into the room and Lena grabbed her by the elbow and steered her back out again into the hallway. She let go with a push that span the other woman to face her.

“Where the hell have you been for the last week? And what the hell was that?” Lena gestured toward the medical bay as she scowled at Lucy, a stare that had caused CEO’s of multinationals to acquiesce to her demands.

“Why doesn’t she recognise me? Who are ‘they’? And where exactly did you find her when this happened?”

Lucy ignored Lena as she scrolled rapidly through her phone. She held up a finger as she put the phone to her ear.

“Kelly? it’s Lucy. She’s awake. I need you in National City, as soon as you can get here.”

“What the hell, Lucy?”

Lucy gestured towards the lab. Lena scowled at the other woman, but turned and stalked back into the lab. Lucy followed and closed the door behind them before taking a deep breath.

“Alex was undercover on another planet. She was in with a bunch of terrorists who seemed to think Earth would make a pretty good place for them to set up their new empire. She missed her last three check ins. Missing one isn’t so unusual for Alex.” Lucy pinched the bridge of her nose, clearly remembering multiple discussions on the subject. “But after the next one I was worried. It took me a while to find out where she had been last and for my team to get to her.”

Lucy paused and licked her lips, clearly struggling with the memory. “When we found her she’d been made and they had clearly been trying to get information out of her.”

“She was being tortured?!” Lena exploded.

She turned away, horrified and then turned back.

“Oh my God. That’s what the stasis field was. They switched off her body and imprisoned her in her own mind.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I would very much like some answers out of somebody as to why my daughter is lying in the medical bay of this facility, currently sedated and clearly with no idea who any of us are or where she is. It has been more than long enough.”
> 
> “I...needed to do some further investigations.” Lucy started. “We needed more information on what exactly happened.”
> 
> “How about we start with where she’s been for six months?”

The next time Alex awoke it wasn’t with quite such a violent reaction, but merely a loud gasp, as if breaking the surface of deep water and sucking in air. She sat bolt upright in bed and tried to swing her legs over the side and stand up.

The motion startled Eliza awake, where she had been asleep in the chair next to Alex’s bed.

“Hey Sweetie.” She said softly. 

Alex was attempting to get to her feet before Eliza could even move, and she barely caught her daughter as her legs gave way, unable to hold her weight and she collapsed to the floor.

Alex flinched away from her mother as two med techs rushed into the room, alerted by the commotion. They grabbed her gently under the arms and helped her back into bed, despite her struggles against their touch.

“It’s ok Sweetie, you’re home, you’re safe.” Eliza’s voice was calm, her tone reassuring, but Alex backed away from her, with unfocused eyes, her movements jerky and sharp.

The med techs were forced to give Alex another sedative to calm her agitation and she slid back into sleep.

As soon as Alex was unconscious again Eliza walked out of the medical bay and into the corridor, looking around her, slightly lost.

Kara had brought their mother to the DEO as soon as she had seen for herself that Alex was back, and as safe as possible, for the time being at least. Eliza had barely moved from Alex’s bedside since except, ironically, when Alex had woken for the first time. Although from accounts she had heard since that was probably a blessing. 

Now that Alex was starting to wake up, Eliza Danvers wanted answers. 

She stuck her head round various doors in the vicinity of the medical bay in search of anyone to demand them from. The rooms she had tried so far had all been empty. She walked into what she knew to be Alex’s lab and was surprised to find it occupied.

Lena looked up from her laptop. 

“Eliza.” She greeted the older woman, slightly startled, having been intent on whatever she had been working on. “Is everything ok?” Concern coloured her tone. 

“Alex woke up again. She’s still disorientated, so they've had to give her another sedative.” The distress was evident in her face but her voice didn’t waver.

“I was looking for someone who could tell me, well...anything.”

“You aren’t the only one.” Lena stood “I think it’s long past time Lucy Lane and J’onn J'onzz provided a few answers.” She gestured for Eliza to go ahead and she followed her out, high heels hitting the lab floor with a sound like thunder cracks.

Lena had managed to find J’onn and get him to round up Lucy and Kara and they assembled in the conference room. Eliza was seated at the furthest end of the table, flanked by J’onn and Kara on either side.

Lena stood, arms folded, on the far side of the table, facing off with Lucy who stood near the door looking very much like she was trying not to bolt through it, being faced by this inquisitorial squad.

“I would very much like some answers out of somebody as to why my daughter is lying in the medical bay of this facility, currently sedated and clearly with no idea who any of us are or where she is.” Her tone clearly indicated she was not in any mood to be fobbed off 

“It has been more than long enough.”

“I...needed to do some further investigations.” Lucy started. “We needed more information on what exactly happened.”

“How about we start with where she’s been for six months?” Eliza gave the woman a withering look.

Lucy stared down at her feet and looked uncomfortable, mumbling about “classified ops.”

“Look we already know she pretty much ran off to join the fucking foreign legion.” Lena snapped “Or the DEO equivalent, so stop bullshitting and prevaricating  _ Major _ .” She emphasised the other woman’s military rank.

Kara looked sharply at Lena and nodded towards her mother.

“Sorry Eliza.” Lena smiled apologetically at the eldest Danvers.

“No, she’s right.” Eliza agreed. “No more of this classified bullshit Major. No one in this room is a security threat and you damn well know it, so just tell us. Tell me what happened to my daughter.”

Kara looked slightly surprised at her adoptive mother’s swearing.

Lucy looked up, drew herself up to a parade rest stance and, taking a deep breath, looked directly at them.

“Alex got in touch with me just under six months ago. She said she needed to get away for a bit - a complete break and change of scenery. She was clearly upset but she was determined she wanted to join the DEO’s Special Projects division.”

“Black ops.” Lena interrupted. 

Eliza’s eyes widened in surprise, but she didn’t speak.

“Black ops.” Lucy repeated and nodded towards Lena in acknowledgement. 

As I explained to Lena, Alex’s last mission was undercover on another planet, infiltrating a group of potential planetary invaders. By the time we realized that her cover was blown and she was in danger it was too late.”

She paused and took a deep breath.

“It would appear that they were using some kind of technologically enhanced interrogation methods, when the regular kind wasn’t working.”

“Enhanced…” Eliza repeated as she processed this information. “You mean torture? They were torturing Alex?” She was on her feet now, looking utterly horrified - and utterly furious.

“How the hell did this happen?” She was shaking with rage. “And what do you mean technological...is that why she’s not recovering? What did they do to her?” She was breathing hard by the time she finished speaking and Kara rose to put a hand on her shoulder, not sure if in support or restraint.

Lena spoke then, in a small angry voice. “From what we can gather, they had found a way to switch her motor functions off so she couldn't move and they trapped her in her own mind.” She paused, tears shining in her eyes. “We have no idea why or how that was used to try to get information out of her.”

“So... Will she recover? How do we bring her back?” Kara asked, her tone desperate.

There was a painful silence. 

“I have called a psychologist.” Lucy spoke quietly. “Kelly is a trauma specialist and has been part of my investigations - that’s where I have been for the last week, trying to gather some more information so we can figure out how to help her. And that's why Lena is here, as a specialist in alien technology. I am hoping between the two of you, you can work out how to undo whatever the aliens did, as we have so far been unable to find the bastards that did this or their tech.”

\---------------------

The third time Alex woke up, when the sedative had worn off, her bed was flanked by Lucy and Kelly, with an orderly on standby, seated by the door, reading a magazine.

Lucy had a pile of files stacked up on the table next to Alex’s bed and was gradually working through them, signing off various reports. Kelly was reading through Alex’s file when the woman herself jolted awake and tried to sit up.

Lucy stood up, fully in Alex’s eyeline.

“Agent Danvers, it’s Major Lane.” She used the same tone that she used for giving orders. 

Kelly had suggested it might be one way of getting through to Alex, hopefully overriding her fear and confusion by connecting her to her training.

Alex looked vaguely toward the sound of the voice, frowning as she tried to focus.

“Maj...Lucy?”

“Alex.”

“What...where…”

“You’re home Alex. You’re safe.”

“No...I...you’re not... you’re not here...you’re not...real.”

“Alex. It’s ok I’m really here. Indigo. Apple”

“Brick. Umbrella.” Alex looked surprised at her own automatic response, staring at Lucy in vague comprehension.

Kelly looked confused.

“It’s a rescue code for captured agents.” Lucy explained. “It's a call and response protocol so that both they and the rescue team know whoever gives the correct key phrase and the response isn't hostile. Useful when you regularly work with shapeshifters. Everyone’s key and response is different so it can’t be cracked or faked.”

“I..I’m home?” Alex looked unsure.

“No...you’re lying. This is a trick.” Alex glowered at Lucy, starting to get agitated and tried to crawl backwards up the back of the bed. 

The orderly started to rise, but Lucy motioned him back.

“Agent Danvers, this is Major Lane. Stand down. I am your commanding officer. Indigo. Apple. I am ordering you to stand down.” Her voice was booming, echoing off the walls of the room.

Kelly could almost see Alex’s training take over as she immediately calmed down and slid back down the bed.

“Brick. Umbrella.” She murmured in response, still unsure. “I’m home?” Alex looked quizzically at Lucy.

“You’re home Alex. You’re safe now.” Lucy’s tone was calm and reassuring, sounding relieved that she was starting to get through to Alex.

“I’m home.” Alex continued to repeat to herself in disbelief. 

“Alex, my name’s Dr Olsen - Kelly.” She smiled. “Can you tell me what happened?”

Alex looked at her blankly.

“What happened….?”

“Alex, what's the last thing you remember?” Kelly asked gently.

“Remember?” Alex continued to look blank “I…” she started and her eyes went wide and she began to get agitated again.

“Alex, it’s ok.” Lucy said as she slowly reached out a hand to touch Alex’s arm, showing her what she was doing, she gently wrapped her hand round the woman's wrist, grounding her.

“Just tell Dr Olsen what you remember.” 

“I...I can’t...I..”

“it’s ok.” Lucy shushed.

“Just tell me what you can.” Kelly smiled encouragingly.

“I’ve lost them. I’ve lost them both. It’s all broken.” Her eyes were getting wide again, and she fidgeted anxiously, but Lucy’s steadying hand kept her calmer than before.

“It’s all broken...” She repeated and were the last words she spoke before falling silent, staring into her lap. 

Kelly and Lucy tried to cajole anything else out of her, but after a few minutes realised it was futile, and left Alex to rest.

Eliza returned to sitting sentinel by Alex’s bed after Kelly and Lucy had left, taking their discussions to Lucy's temporary office.

“Hey Sweetie.” Eliza said gently as she sat down.

Alex looked at her with lost eyes, confused and anxious.

Eliza slowly reached out a hand towards her daughter. Hesitantly, Alex took it, and wordlessly gripped it tight.

She didn’t speak for the rest of the day, even when the DEO doctor and the nurse came in to check on her and take her vital sign readings.

Lena and Kara arrived almost simultaneously later that day and, at Alex’s obvious agitation as soon as she saw them both, left immediately, somewhat dejectedly.

An orderly brought food at dinner time and Alex looked at it suspiciously before pushing it away, curling up under her blanket, making herself as small as she could and going to sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lena took a deep breath. “I did have one idea.”
> 
> They all turned to look at her.
> 
> “We could try Harun El. It might restart her system and clear out whatever the alien machinery did to her. We know we can extract it when it’s done it’s job.”
> 
> “Absolutely not.” Kelly cut her off.
> 
> “Lena, no.” Kara grimaced. 
> 
> “What is Harun El?” Eliza asked.
> 
> “Black Kryptonite.” Kara replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take note of the tags. This chapter has a trigger warning for discussion of suicide.

The next morning Kelly and Lucy tried again.

“Good morning Alex.” Lucy beamed at her, placing a mug of coffee on the table and wheeling it so it was over the bed, and within the woman’s reach.

“How are you doing today?” Kelly’s smile was warm and encouraging.

Alex looked between them cautiously and pulled the coffee towards her. She picked it up, sniffed it and put it down again.

“I put honey in it.” Lucy laughed softly.

Alex’s eyebrows rose and she tilted her head, clearly processing this information. Frowning slightly she picked up the mug and sipped tentatively.

Lucy resumed her position in the same chair from the previous day and Kelly sat down the other side of the bed, in Eliza’s recently vacated seat. The eldest Danvers having left them to talk to her daughter alone. 

“How are you today Alex?” Kelly repeated her question.

Alex looked at her, thoughtfully as if the word she wanted was on the tip of her tongue, but she couldn’t quite find it. 

“Do you want to talk about what you said yesterday?”

Alex continued to stare at her, wordlessly.

“Who have you lost, Alex? Why is everything broken?”

Lucy tensed, ready to stand, but Alex showed no sign of her previous agitation.

Instead she put her mug down and stared at her fists, bunched in her lap.

“I’ve lost them.” She said, her voice barely audible.

“Who Alex?” Kelly prompted gently.

Silent tears started to roll down her face. She didn’t move or speak, despite Lucy and Kelly’s efforts to get her to explain further, and they left her alone.

Following Alex's check up by the DEO doctor, Lucy returned with one of the department’s physical therapists, easily recognisable from his uniform - different from the medical teams’ scrubs and the rest of the DEO operatives’ fatigues.

“This is Lucas and he’s going to help you. He’ll check you over and try to get out of bed and moving a little, if that's ok?” Lucy started gently.

Alex looked up as the man walked into the room. Shuffling forward and dangling her legs over the side of the bed. She was dressed in navy blue DEO issue sweatpants and tee shirt, her bare feet hanging just above the floor.

Lucy came further into the room to check Alex was ok with the newcomer and was surprised by the subjectively enthusiastic response he received.

“You good?” Lucy asked, surprise colouring her tone.

Alex nodded, her features set in determination and Lucy withdrew, heading back to her office. 

Lucas ran through basic stretches and movements with Alex who grimaced, clearly struggling but also clearly refusing to stop, working diligently through every move she was shown.

She crawled back on the bed sweating and exhausted after Lucas left and slept.

Eliza was sitting next to her bed when she woke later that day. 

“I brought you a sandwich.” She pointed at the brown bag on the bed’s rolling table. “You didn’t seem overly keen on the fare on offer yesterday."

Alex sat up slowly and painfully. Pulling the table towards her she carefully opened the bag and slowly took out the food and placed it on the table. Peeling back the top slice of bread she eyed it cautiously. It clearly passed inspection and she took a bite, chewing slowly and thoughtfully.

“Thanks.” Her voice was barely above a whisper but Eliza beamed.

It was the first word Alex had spoken to her since waking up.

“You’re welcome, Sweetie.”

If Alex had been more herself, she would have had a lot of snark for Kara arriving not long after her food.

As it was, the appearance of her sister caused an almost feral reaction. Alex practically growled at her sister, and even in her weakened state tried to lunge at her, with a look of such rage that Eliza grabbed her arm and murmured reassurances, restraining her while Kara backed out of the room, tears in her eyes and anguish on her face at her sister’s reaction.

Lena felt edgy as she cautiously entered the medical bay later that evening. She had felt it all day, on the fringes of her awareness, the constant disquiet following her previous interactions with Alex.

She wanted to scream at her and demand to know what the hell she was thinking, to berate her for leaving, for the lies, but part of her wanted to be by her bedside, to watch over her as she regained consciousness, awareness. To understand the reaction her presence had so far caused.

Lena had barely crossed the threshold of the room before the look on Alex’s face stopped her in her tracks.

Alex had looked up at the movement in the doorway and pain and fear etched on her face left the younger woman conflicted - she wanted to reach out, to reassure her, but was terrified that she would make things worse and hastily retraced her steps. She felt the tears streaming down her face and saw them mirrored on Alex’s. 

Eliza watched the exchange with equal confusion as Lena practically ran out of the medical ward on seeing Alex’s response to her appearance in the doorway of her room.

Lena thought to herself that she was a Luthor and damned if she would be seen to show any signs of weakness as she made it to the nearest bathroom before totally breaking down. She leaned on the sink and sobs wracked her frame. What the hell had happened to Alex in the last six months, in those last few days before her return, to be unable to even look at her? To not even be in the same room with her? Lena couldn’t decide whether she was more angry or distraught. She was furious with Alex for just leaving. For damn well judging her over her actions with her brother, for lying to her, for bloody well leaving her and not even fighting for her. 

She was angry with Lucy for ordering her on that damn fool mission and Alex for going, for getting herself hurt and for almost losing her and never being able to get the chance to tell her what a fool she was. 

Underneath it all, she had been terrified that she would never get the chance to tell Alex that she had fallen in love with her. She had wanted to tell her and then this whole damn mess with Kara had blown up and they had fought and she had lost her anyway.

She was sick of losing people, being betrayed by them, but most of all she was sick of being alone. Alex had changed that for her. Neither of them had expected it, let alone for it to start to think about being something serious. Lena realised once Alex was gone that however angry she was with her she missed her more. Missed her still, even with her here.

Lena stood up and wiped her eyes, careful not to smudge her makeup. She took a deep breath and realised that if she felt this overwhelmed by Alex’s return and hostile response, she could only imagine how Kara was feeling. A bright spot flared in Lena’s chest as she felt grateful she hadn’t lost both Danvers sisters, and went in search of her friend, in the hope of a little of the mutual support they had found in Alex’s absence. 

\----------------------------

Eliza waited until Alex was asleep before going in search of Lucy.

Lucy looked up from her seemingly endless paperwork mountain when Eliza knocked on the open door to her office.

“Hey, Doctor Danvers, come in, how can I help?” The military woman smiled, looking relieved to be distracted from her admin duties.

“Eliza is fine.” She returned the smile and sat down in one of the visitors chairs, in front of the desk.

“I don’t know if you have noticed, but Alex gets so freaked out around Lena and Kara that neither of them has been able to visit with her since she has woken up.”

“I... didn’t know that.” Lucy said, surprised. “Hang on, I’ll just see if Kelly’s still here.” She pushed her chair back from her desk, walked round it and out of the door. She returned a moment later with another woman following her.

“Eliza, this is Dr Kelly Olsen, she’s a psychologist specializing in trauma. She’s been trying to get Alex to open up and tell us what happened to her.”

Eliza shook the woman’s offered hand, smiling automatically.

“Good to meet you.” Kelly’s handshake was warm and firm.

Kelly gestured and they sat in the chairs in front of the desk, while Lucy returned to her seat behind it.

“How’s it going?” Eliza asked.

Kelly exchanged glances with Lucy and took a deep breath. 

“Not well so far. She is barely speaking. She just says ‘she’s lost them’ and ‘it’s all broken’. Have you any idea what that means?”

“No.” Eliza shook her head.

“Tell her what you told me.” Lucy prompted. 

Eliza repeated her observation about Kara and Lena’s visits causing Alex to become so agitated they couldn’t even enter her room.

“Alex argued with them both before she left for special projects.” Lucy pointed out.

“But...how does that fit with what happened to her?” Kelly asked, frowning.

“I don’t know. I guess we just have to keep trying?” Lucy answered.

It was after another near mute session with Alex that Kelly suggested perhaps Kara and Lena could individually and gradually be introduced back to Alex, in a calm, controlled and limited way.

“Desensitization.” Kelly explained. “Getting Alex used to facing her fears. It might encourage her to talk. It might help us understand what she is unable to tell us.”

\----------------

“Alex, I want to try and get you to reconnect with Kara and Lena.” Kelly said the next morning when she and Lucy started their session.

Alex immediately started to show signs of agitation and Lucy reached out and placed her hand on her arm.

“I want to teach you a couple of simple grounding techniques, so that you know you are safe, if that’s ok?”

Alex looked at her with wide eyes, but nodded.

“Ok now take a slow deep breath in through your nose as you count to four. Hold it and count to four. Breathe out through your mouth and count to four. Hold it and count to four. Ok?”

Alex thought for a moment and nodded again. Kelly watched her breathe out through pursed lips and nodded. 

“Good. Ok.”

She slowly pulled a tin of mints out of her pocket and put them on the table in front of Alex.

“OK, now, when you feel yourself starting to get anxious, you eat a mint.”

Alex and Lucy both looked at her like she was crazy.

“It’s a strong taste - it will keep you in the moment, remind you that you are safe and you are here. Ok?”

Alex nodded. 

“Do you think you are ok with this?” When Alex agreed she continued. “How about you practice today and you see your sister this afternoon?”

Kelly noticed Alex close her eyes and take a slow deep breath.

This appeared to be the only acknowledgement they were going to get.

“OK then.” Lucy nodded and they both stood.

\----------------

Alex had another physical therapy session with Lucas after her grounding session with Kelly and passed out with exhaustion again.

She was sitting on the edge of the bed in fresh DEO sweatpants and tee shirt later that afternoon. She had had a nurse help her shower and change, still too weak to manage by herself. This had been met with mute, but demonstrable, disgust. 

She was sucking a mint when Lucy arrived and sat next to her, given she had proven to be a calming presence so far.

Even without touching her, she could practically feel Alex tense every muscle when Kara arrived at the door to her room.

“Alex..” She said hesitantly as she came closer.

Alex closed her eyes and took a deep breath, almost choking on the hit of peppermint from the sweet she was sucking furiously, but didn’t bolt. 

Kara stopped by the end of the bed and Alex opened her eyes and looked at her adoptive sister, her whole body vibrating with tension.

The look of anguish in her eyes took Kara’s breath away. She said her sister’s name again and reached for her. 

Alex almost fell off the bed in her scramble to get away from the touch.

“Don’t touch me.” She hissed through gritted teeth, glowering at Kara.

“It's ok, Alex.” Lucy’s voice was calm and reassuring. 

Alex stopped moving and took a deep breath, her eyes never leaving her sister.

“Maybe that’s about it for today?” Lucy gently suggested to Kara who nodded reluctantly. 

She slowly backed out of the room, distress at hurting her sister, even though she didn't know how, written all over her face and in the slump of shoulders. 

Alex wasn’t any more communicative in her next session with Kelly the following day, but mutely agreed to keep trying, and to seeing Lena that afternoon.

Lucy wasn’t sure if it was a good thing or not when Alex immediately burst into tears. Lena looked startled and was clearly having to fight an urge to comfort the older woman. At Lucy’s gesture she left and Lucy helped Alex back into bed where she cried herself to sleep. 

Progress was agonisingly, glacially slow over the next few days, but eventually Alex allowed both Kara and Lena to stay in the room with her for short periods, without significant signs of panic, as long as they kept their distance.

She still struggled to speak to either of them or anyone else beyond the occasional word or two. Therapy made no progress and despite pushing herself to exhaustion, physical therapy had not allowed her to get out of bed for more than a few steps and anything else required a wheelchair. All of which made her sullen and more withdrawn, if that was even possible.

Given her lack of progress, she was in no state to be released from medical care. A room was prepared for her, out of the emergency treatment area of the medical bay. It was less medical and more like a hotel with a regular bed, table and chairs. The set of parallel bars in the corner to help her try and walk was a stark reminder that this definitely wasn’t a vacation.

The TV remained mute and she spent much of her time staring out of the floor to ceiling windows, in a place none of them could reach.

  
  


\----------------

“From what I can ascertain, your rescue pulled Alex out of the machinery designed to hold her physically paralysed and mentally imprisoned.” Lena tried not to wince as she spoke, unable to absorb the horror of what had happened to Alex. Leaning against the conference room table she gestured vaguely towards the screen behind her.

The large screen took up most of the wall and was currently running a time lapse sequence of Alex’s vital sign readings since her return to the DEO.

“To put it crudely, it was effectively like disconnecting a USB drive from a computer without running the eject programme. Fortunately not as catastrophic, as her system wasn’t completely damaged. But obviously it caused significant issues, as it's having trouble getting back to fully working order and, so far, I can’t figure out why.”

She looked around the conference table, Lucy and Kelly on one side, Eliza and Kara on the other. J’onn Jonzz sat between them, directly opposite her, at the head of the table.

“She’s still not speaking, more than a few words.” Kelly sighed, clearly equally frustrated. “Which makes it difficult to help her deal with the trauma she has been through. She does seem to be somewhat less agitated with you and Kara though.”

“Why are her reactions so different though?” Kara frowned at Kelly.

“She seems so angry with me, but not with Lena.”

“Without getting her to talk, I just don’t know. And I don’t know how to get her to talk. It’s just…I just can’t reach her.”

“She's responding to Lucas.” Eliza joined in, a note of optimism in her voice.

“I’m not sure that’s quite accurate.” Lucy leaned forward in her seat. “She doesn’t actually talk to him and she is constantly pushing herself to exhaustion.” 

“That’s not new.”

“No change there then.”

J’onn and Eliza spoke in unison and Lucy smiled sadly at them. 

Lena took a deep breath. “I did have one idea.”

They all turned to look at her.

“We could try Harun El. It might restart her system and clear out whatever the alien machinery did to her. We know we can extract it when it’s done it’s job.”

“Absolutely not.” Kelly cut her off.

“Lena, no.” Kara grimaced. 

“What is Harun El?” Eliza asked.

“Black Kryptonite.” Kara replied.

Eliza’s eyebrows rose.

“I have been working with the serum and have stabilized it since we used it on James. As I said, we know how to extract it.” Lena explained.

“Look what it put my brother through before you extracted it.” Kelly was clearly still angry.

“What happened?” Lucy looked between Kelly and Lena.

“It saved his life.” Lena looked unwaveringly at Kelly.

“While putting him through hell while he developed powers - erratic powers.” Kelly glared back.

Lucy looked up at Lena.

“Don’t even think about it, Major; I am looking to save Alex, not create super soldiers.” Her eyes never left Kelly’s.

“Would it work?” J’onn asked.

“I don’t see why not. I’ve run simulations. Alex’s  cognitive function and strength just aren’t coming back. It’s like distance from the alien technology and time have allowed basic consciousness and function to return, but just aren’t fully restoring. This might give her system the jump start it needs to bring her back.”

“I want to have a look at your data and models.” Eliza was frowning thoughtfully.

“Of course.” Lena smiled “As a bio-engineer I would appreciate your input.”

“But we have no idea what might happen, mixing it with the effects of alien technology and whatever else they used on her. What if it makes things worse?” Lucy asked “No. I can’t let you do this, it’s too dangerous. We give it time and see how things go. There has got to be another way.”

“You asked for my input and this is the best idea we’ve got.” Lena was resolute “Alex isn’t coming back to us - if anything, she’s getting further away.”

“No. This is my decision and I won’t put her in any more danger. We wait.” Lucy stood and walked out of the room.

\------------------------------

After the meeting ended Lena walked into what she still thought of as Alex’s lab and hurled her folder of notes across the room. It burst open and hit the floor with a dull thud, papers following it in a slower cascade. 

She swore loudly with frustration, not seeing the figure who had followed her in.

“You believe this Harun El is the solution then?” 

Lena startled at the voice and span round, hand on her chest. 

“Sorry, I didn't mean to make you jump.” Eliza tried to smile, but failed.

Lena took a deep breath.

“It’s ok, I’m just…”

“Letting out some frustration?” Eliza finished.

“Yes.” Lena offered a slightly embarrassed smile in return. “And I do think it might work - the Harun El. The models I’ve run have good projections and..” She sighed “I can’t think of any better solutions.”

Eliza nodded in understanding. 

“I think Lucy’s guilt over letting Alex get hurt on her watch is making her overly cautious.” Lena frowned, her frustration evident. “I want her back. I want answers. I want to know what the hell happened.” Lena leaned against a workbench and huffed with frustration. “Waiting and hoping aren’t getting us anywhere.”

“Sitting and doing nothing aren’t exactly Luthor traits, are they?” Eliza asked with a wry smile. 

Lena frowned, about to say something about her family name when Eliza continued.

“You would never have turned Luthorcorp around and turned it into a positive force as L-Corp if they were.” She thought for a moment. “Or managed to have a relationship with my eldest daughter either.” She chuckled a little at that.

Lena’s eyebrows rose. “Does everyone know..?” Her voice was slightly higher than usual.

“I have seen the way you have reacted to all this, the fact you have barely left the DEO since she got back, and your absolute determination to bring her home. Only love can motivate someone like that. Trust me.” 

Lena realised her mouth was open and slammed it shut. 

“Now, show me the data on this potential solution.”

Lena moved wordlessly to pick up the papers she had scattered across the floor in her frustration, for once stunned into silence.

\------------------------------

Alex hadn’t even felt her legs go before she found herself crumpled painfully on the floor, unable to gather enough strength in her shaking limbs to push pick herself back up. Pain flared through her whole body and she gasped with it. Her breath coming in ragged shudders as she tried to press her hands to the floor to try and push herself up.

And then she felt arms around her, under hers, gently easing her up and wrapping around her, holding her tightly when she tried to gather her legs under her to kneel. Involuntarily, she slumped against the arms, her head falling against a shoulder. She panted, trying to get her breath through the pain and exhaustion. A hint of scent and recognition came with the breath and she tensed, realising who it was that had come to her rescue.

“L..Lena.” she stammered and tried to push herself away but her shaking arms wouldn’t cooperate.

Lena pulled her more tightly into the embrace, resting her head against the top of Alex’s, shushing her gently. 

Alex’s façade crumpled as completely as her body had. Burying her face in that shoulder, feeling the comfort of those arms around her again, the pain and frustration of her body failing her was, in that moment, utterly overwhelming and released itself in shuddering sobs.

Alex opened her eyes and blinked several times. Disoriented, she looked around and realised that she was back in her bed. Shifting slightly, she saw Lena sitting in a chair, a short distance away, a slight crease between her brows as she studied the tablet in her hands.

Alex’s movement made her look up and she smiled.

“How did I get here?” Alex struggled to a sitting position, leaning back against the headboard.

“You exhausted yourself crying and I didn’t think you’d want anyone to see you like that, so I got you back into bed.”

Alex quirked a disbelieving eyebrow.

“I’m stronger than I look.”

Alex frowned and looked down at her hands, bunched in her lap. If Lena could lift her she wondered how much weight - muscle - she had lost since her incapacitation.

“I owe you an apology.”

Alex looked up at Lena’s quiet voice, giving the woman a quizzical look. 

“J’onn told me that he mindwiped you last year because of Colonel Halley’s investigation into Supergirl’s identity and that until things came to a head with Lex.” She paused and looked away briefly, composing herself. “When you and I, when we first got together, you didn’t actually know that Kara was Supergirl.”

Alex said nothing, but felt her breath hitch slightly, as she wondered where this was going.

“I know that you asked her to tell me as soon as it all came back.” Lena paused, waiting for Alex to say something, when she got no response, she continued.

“I blamed you. I thought you had betrayed me along with everyone else. I’m..” Lena swallowed “Sorry Alex. I’m sorry.”

“You lied too.” Alex’s voice was hoarse and so low Lena almost missed it.

Alex looked at Lena directly, her eyes flashing with emotion, her jaw working. 

“Lex told you and you said nothing. For months.” Her chest heaved. “So we’re both just as bad as each other.”

Alex pulled up the blanket and moved painfully to face away from Lena.

Lena opened her mouth to speak. It was the most Alex had said to anyone since her return. She had no idea what else to say and closed her mouth again. 

She could see Alex's shoulders shaking under the blanket but, having effectively been dismissed, got to her feet and left the woman alone.

\--------------------------------------

Kara came into the lab a few minutes later, in full Supergirl gear, to find Lena leaning on her arms, which were braced against the workbench, and breathing hard.

"Hey, are you OK? " Kara rested a hand on Lena's shoulder. 

Lena looked up at the touch, slightly startled, she hadn't heard her come in and still wasn't used to the juxtaposition of seeing her friend Kara as Supergirl. 

"I thought I was getting through to her. I apologised. Me, a Luthor! Apologising.” She threw up her hands in a gesture of frustration. 

“She doesn't let people in easily. You of all people should understand that. And it's not as if she's herself right now." 

“What if it’s broken forever between us?” Lena’s eyes shone with tears. “What if she’s broken and I can’t figure out how to bring her back?”

Kara reached out and pulled her friend into a hug. 

Lena attempted to smile in gratitude as the taller woman let her go.

"Lena, when have you ever failed at something that you have put your mind to?" 

Lena found herself chuckling in spite of herself, as she noticed Kara was striking her Supergirl pose, with her hands on her hips.

Kara looked down at herself, realized what she was doing and huffed with laughter, dropping her arms to her sides and continued. 

"But seriously, when have you known Alex to give up on anything either? You two are as determined and stubborn as each other." 

Kara frowned. "She wouldn't have been upset enough to do something so drastic as running away in the first place if she didn't care so much, would she?" 

Lena looked at her and tilted her head in contemplation of her friend's words, sagging her hip against the workbench.

"Something so stupid." Kara added, almost to herself.

She spoke directly to Lena again. "I have to believe she's still in there somewhere and she still cares - about both of us - and we can help her find her way back home." 

"God, I hope so." Lena replied and reached out to squeeze Kara's arm in thanks. 

"I'm here for you, you know." 

"Thanks Kara.” Lena smiled weakly.

\------------------------------

Lena finally admitted she was too tired to think clearly and closed her laptop down. As she left the lab she took her usual nightly detour past Alex’s room. She usually just watched the older woman sleep. A bittersweet feeling of knowing she was safe after months of not knowing but tinged with regret for the painful distance between them. She wanted to help but Alex refused to let her - or anyone - in. It had been weeks and, despite Dr Olson’s best efforts, Alex was no closer to returning to her old self. Although she was slowly improving in her ability to tolerate either hers or Kara’s presence for longer periods, she was clearly still troubled by it and struggling to speak to them. Or anyone, really. 

She was surprised to find the bed empty, the lights set for night watch and the only illumination coming from the city lights outside the large plate glass medical bay windows. Frowning, Lena could make out a shadow in a chair in front of the window. Venturing into the room, she could hear Alex’s ragged breathing.

“Alex?” Lena stopped to stand beside Alex's chair. She could see now the shake of her shoulders. 

“Alex?” She asked again, concerned now at the lack of response.

When she didn’t get a reply she squatted down on her haunches, bringing her eyes level with Alex's. Her foot kicked something and the contents of what she realised was a bottle sloshed as she caught and righted it. She picked it up and recognised it as an almost empty bottle of scotch.

Alex still hadn’t spoken and Lena noticed the silent woman fidgeting with something in her lap.

“I can’t do this.”

“Do what Alex?”

Outside a tree swayed in the breeze and a street light shone full on Alex for a second. That was when Lena saw the tears streaming down her face and the gun she was cradling in her lap.

“Alex…” Lena tried not to let her rising panic colour her voice and make it shake. 

“Can’t do what, Alex ?” She asked, her voice becoming firmer.

Alex didn’t look at her and spoke as if she wasn’t even there. “I can’t go on like this, in this broken body, in this pain. I’ve lost everything. And everything that made me ME.” Her voice shook with the force of the last word and she started to raise the gun. It shook in her hand and Lena grabbed it, pushing it down, away.

“No, Alex, oh God, no.”

The older woman put all her strength into trying to fight the younger but her arms shook with the effort.

“Alex this is your right now and yes, it’s bloody awful, but it’s not your forever.” The hint of Irish accent in her voice betrayed the strain behind her words.

Gently she pulled the gun away and, despite trying to resist, Alex let her.

Lena strode across the room almost at a run. Grabbing the wheelchair next to the bed, she pushed it back to next to where Alex sat.

“Come on. This place isn’t helping. You’re coming with me.” Bending down again she eased her arms under Alex’s and helped her up and into the wheelchair. Holding her a little too tightly before releasing her and standing up.

A short and silent drive later Lena wheeled her from the lift through the door of her penthouse.

She held out her hand to the still silent Alex and helped her to her feet. Tucking one arm under Alex’s she helped her toward the bedroom and into Lena’s own bed. Any fight gone out of the older woman.

Lena pulled the blanket over her and went into the bathroom to change. Coming back into the bedroom, she slid in behind Alex and enveloped her in her arms.

“You have things to live for Alex. I am here, for whatever you need, you just need to let me in.” 

She felt Alex shaking in her arms, silent tears still falling down her face. And felt her own start to fall at the realisation of what Alex had nearly done.

“I still love you.” She whispered into the hair of the woman in her arms but the scotch and the tears had already combined to send her to an exhausted sleep.

\------------------------------------

The next morning Lena stormed into the conference room at the DEO, full of determination and fury and stared at the people assembled there; Kara and Eliza, J’onn, Lucy and Kelly.

“Harun El.” was the only thing she said.

The rest of the room stared at her in silent disbelief.

“No. That is a terrible idea.” Kara was the first to speak. 

“We’ve discussed this already, we don’t know whatever that thing they used on her did. We don’t know what the effects might be if we combine any residual effects with the Harun El.” Lucy added.

“Alex tried to kill herself last night.” Lena’s words shocked them all back into silence.

Eliza gasped and put her hand to her mouth.

“She’s ok, she’s sleeping now, but she's not getting any better. I don’t think she is going to come through this unless we do something drastic before she does. That is if one of us isn’t there to stop her next time.” She lowered herself slowly into the chair at the head of the table.

“I don't like this idea either but I don’t know what else to do. I'm not going to lose her again.”

Eliza was white as she walked out of the room, towards Alex’s.

Lena waited until she had gone before looking at Lucy. “You need to change all the codes to the armoury and the medical supply room.” She paused, hating to be having this conversation. “And you need to find out who’s been sneaking her in scotch.”

Kara’s face looked pinched. “I thought that’s why Kelly was here? To help her with…” She gestured vaguely. “Everything.”

Lucy sighed. “She’s not talking to her. She’s still not talking to anyone who isn’t a physical therapist. And she’s not really talking to Lucas. She certainly isn’t listening to him, especially when he tries to tell her to stop.”

She stared at the table in front of her. She took a deep breath and looked at Lena. 

“You are sure this is going to work?”

“No. But I am damned sure we need to do something and this is the only option we’ve got. I’ve been through it again and again and I've checked the protocol to extract it.”

Lucy’s jaw worked and she looked grim. “Fine. Do it.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You can't do this Alex - you won’t come back from it. You won't be you any more if you do this, If you even survive. This isn’t you Alex. You are an agent, and an honourable person, not some vigilante.”
> 
> “But I'm not me anymore. And it was my honour that lost you, Lena.” Her voice was harsh and bitter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take note of the tags. This chapter has multiple trigger warnings.

The look in Alex’s eyes was one of utter desperation the next day, as Lucy explained that they were going to inject her with the Harun El serum. That they hoped it would clear the residual effects of the alien tech from her system and return her to full function physically and cognitively. Lucy didn't add that they were all hoping it would help her emotionally as well, and bring her back from wherever she seemed to be trapped mentally too. 

“Do it.” Alex nodded, her face set in grim determination.

Knowing full well that this would be the response, Lena walked into the room, syringe in hand.

Alex tried not to flinch, still occasionally wary of the younger woman's touch.

Eliza held her daughter’s hand, hope etched over her features.

“Now, we wait.” Lena smiled reassuringly at Alex and she and Lucy left the room.

Lena returned with her tablet a few minutes later, and sat in the chair closest to the door to monitor Alex’s progress.

Eliza sat at the side of Alex’s bed and together, they waited.

It was a long night and Lena felt sick when she spoke to Alex the next morning.

“It didn’t work.” Alex sounded even more sullen than before, if that was at all possible.

“It doesn’t seem so.” Lena spoke carefully.

“We’ll run some more tests…” She tried hopefully.

“You do that.” Alex tilted her head back on her pillows and closed her eyes, ending the conversation.

When Alex woke a few days later she felt an odd sensation. It was like having a word on the tip of your tongue but, not. It wasn't until she pulled the blankets back and she got out of bed that it clicked into place. She was standing, entirely unsupported and without wavering. She wiggled her toes experimentally and took a step forward. And another. When she didn’t falter her lips twisted into a smirk of grim satisfaction.

When she managed to shower without assistance she actually felt herself smile, if only slightly.

The difference was small but noticeable when Lena checked on Alex a few days after that. She was taking a break from work and stopped by in the hopes of getting her to talk, after their recent conversation, even if it had been only brief and somewhat bitter. 

The TV was on, murmuring in the corner, and Alex had a copy of Nature propped up in front of her as she ate. These things were new and significant in themselves. It was then that Lena noticed the gusto with which Alex was eating - what appeared to be a large pile of mashed potatoes with gravy, kale and a not insubstantial steak - and that there were three empty trays stacked on the table next to the bed.

“Hungry?” She asked in a joking tone, not expecting a reply given Alex’s usual wall of silence, broken by the occasional monosyllable.

Alex looked up as if noticing Lena for the first time “It’s the weirdest thing, I just don’t seem to have reached full all day.” She chewed thoughtfully, staring off into the distance, before returning to her reading as if Lena wasn’t there. 

\---------------------------

Early the next morning Alex woke with a jolt. Instead of her usual fogginess she felt immediately awake, with an unexpected clarity. Getting out of bed, she rapidly changed into sweatpants and a tee shirt and tugged on running shoes. She felt an idea slowly form in her mind and left her room at a brisk pace. 

The DEO was mostly deserted this early in the day. She passed the odd member of the overnight skeleton staff as she hurried towards her objective. 

Pushing open the door to the gym, she hesitated slightly, before taking a deep breath and entering, propelled by an inner determination.

Picking up a set of padded fingerless gloves from the equipment store by the door she tugged them on and approached the heavy bag that hung in the corner nearest the entrance. She fell immediately into a guard stance, muscle memory taking over, and jabbed once, experimentally with her right fist. With a grunt she followed with her left - two quick punches. Rocking back on her heels she moved to bounce on her toes and raised her fists once more and repeated the sequence, adding in an uppercut this time. Over and over she punched in an increasing variety of combinations until sweat poured from her body. Finally stopping she bent at the waist and panted, tugging off her gloves. In the opposite corner was a fridge, pulling the door open she grabbed a bottle of water and downed it in big, greedy gulps. 

Looking up she noticed the terminal screen in the wall and tapped a few buttons. Bringing up her personal music folder, she selected a playlist and the gym’s sound system boomed into life. 

Alex walked over to the machines lining the wall and stepped onto a treadmill. Starting slowly she walked at first, her pace becoming brisk, quickly moving through a jog then a fast run. Settling into a punishing pace she ran, barely even breathing hard as she increased the volume of the thumping, screaming rock metal vibrating out of the speakers, using controls set into the treadmill. 

Time was meaningless for her as she ran, stopping only when she needed further rehydration, at which point she moved to the weights, setting them at her previous levels, before quickly increasing them. She ran through multiple reps using every machine and most of the free weights before finally stopping, sitting on the end of a weight bench breathing hard and slowly drinking more water. Her face set in a mask of total resolve as the light slowly faded from the room with the setting sun outside.

The following morning Alex woke early again and immediately headed for the gym.

She turned the music up loud and climbed on the running machine, the booming bass thumping in her chest as she set the controls. She started to run and quickly settled into a fast but comfortable pace.

As she ran thoughts spooled through her mind, occasional flashes of scenes, as if she was watching random segments of several films, all jumbled together and out of order. Occasional scenes would glitch and repeat and she knew what she was seeing; what she had seen in the machine. She turned the controls up and ran faster, her breathing started to get ragged.

She tried not to think, to listen to the music and concentrate on the pounding of her feet on the treadmill. Ever since she had come back, It was as if she was looking at the world through a dirty window. She could see out, but everything was indistinct, slightly fuzzy and a long way away. There was always this invisible wall between her and everyone else. She had no idea how to reach out to them or how they could reach her. Everyone else felt so far away. And she just felt so damned angry.

It was like looking at the world through water, she continued her train of thought. With that very image, Alex stumbled, remembering her encounter with Rick Malverne when she was trapped in a rapidly filling tank of water, held hostage again and yet another time she thought she was going to die. She slammed the emergency stop button on the treadmill and jumped off, hands on hips and desperately sucking in air.

She strode across the room, pulled on a pair of gloves and started hitting the punching bag. Hitting it so hard it swung on its chains. She punched and punched then started adding in kicks. Hitting faster and harder until she finally had to stop, completely winded. She switched to pounding industrial tunes, cranked up the volume and moved onto the weights. It was completely dark by the time she finally left the gym.

It was a few days after their last exchange when Lena noticed Alex hadn't been in her room any of the times she had been past that day. 

Feeling her concern rising she cornered the nearest member of the medical staff she could find and was informed that Alex was in the gym. 

Not wanting to disturb her, Lena looked through the observation window and spotted Alex on the treadmill, hard rock music blasting out of the gym's sound system as she ran, her pace steady but fast. 

Every time she checked on the older woman for the next two weeks, which she realized had become several times a day, was a variation on the same theme; loud rock booming out and the heavy bag, weights or the treadmill for hours at a time. 

Lena started to return to her office during the day and would stop in to the DEO on her way home to check in on Alex. 

She still wouldn't really speak to Lena - or anyone - more than brief, somewhat tense exchanges, but it didn't stop Lena continuing to show up and check in on Alex.

It was on one of these evening visits she was surprised to find Alex sitting at the table, with a chess board in front of her. She was frowning, her hand hovering over the board, clearly trying to work out her next move. 

After the third night in a row of finding Alex in the same situation, she steeled herself and approached her. 

"Would you like an opponent?" Lena could feel her heart rate increase slightly, bracing for the anticipated rejection. 

Alex didn't speak, but tilted her head to one side, contemplating the offer. She gestured to the seat opposite and Lena sat. 

They played in silence.

"Checkmate." Lena said. 

Alex nodded in acknowledgement and stood. She shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot. 

"Thanks." 

"My pleasure." Lena smiled, she took the hint from the woman’s posture and pointedly looked at her watch. "I should let you get some sleep." 

Alex attempted a small smile.

She walked Lena to the door of her room and whispered a soft "Goodnight." Before closing the door.

Lena smiled to herself and left for home.

\------------------------

The next evening Alex looked up at Lena's arrival and gestured toward the chair opposite. 

They played in silence again, but it was companionable rather than awkward, with Alex again offering a quiet "Goodnight" with a small smile as Lena left. 

It was a handful of evenings later when Alex broke the silence.

"Checkmate."

Lena looked at the board and up at Alex.

It was then that she noticed the piles of books and journals haphazardly stacked on almost every surface of the room, covering an array of disciplines including various branches of science but mostly combat tactics and warfare strategy.

“You have powers.” Lena sounded amused.

“I have powers.” Alex smirked darkly. 

\---------------------------

Alex still wouldn’t speak to Kara any more than she would anyone else, but she grudgingly agreed to spar with her - having put two agents in the med bay with her, she was running out of volunteers. 

Kara had been trying to go easy, but found that her speed didn’t seem quite quick enough and her punches weren’t landing, if they did Alex barely seemed to notice them. It was a disconcerting feeling for her as Supergirl, but she assumed Alex had added extra Kryptonite lamps while she was recovering to make sure Supergirl didn’t accidentally break anything and slow the process down.

It was only after their third round and she ended up flat on the floor with Alex’s forearm against her windpipe for the third time that she called time out.

“You seem to be doing a bit better.” She said as she sipped from a water bottle.

“Quite a lot better.” Alex smirked. “The Kryptonite lamps are off.” 

Kara’s jaw fell comically open. “You have powers?” Her voice sounded awed.

“I have powers.” Alex grinned and dropped into a fighting stance. ”Again.”

Kara didn’t move. “I...I really am sorry Alex.”

Alex sighed and looked away. “Just spar with me.”

\--------------------------

Alex always felt like it was some kind of intervention when she was in a room with Lena, Lucy, Kelly and Kara. At least her Mother was at home for this particular meeting.. 

She felt like the space between her shoulder blades itched and could feel a faint tingle of anxiety building. She pulled a tin out of her pocket and popped a mint into her mouth, before replacing the tin. 

"It would seem that the Harun El has granted Alex powers." Lena addressed the room. "In contrast to the reaction James had, this has been a more gradual and subtle effect. More enhancing Alex's natural abilities; cognitive function and strength so far.”

"Kind of like the guy in the Bourne Legacy, but more so." Kara chimed in. 

Lena looked at her blankly.

"Yes, something like that." Kelly looked at Kara, nodding. 

Choosing to ignore the interruption, Lena continued. 

"From what I can tell, whatever happened to you, Alex, has mediated the effects so they aren't so extreme or overwhelming. However… "

Alex felt herself tense. 

"It also seems to have fused it to your system, so I can't figure out how to remove it. The changes are permanent." 

Alex smirked, got up and left the room.

Kelly found her some time later in the gym, hitting the heavy bag.

"Alex." 

Alex ignored her and continued working out.

"Do you want to talk about what just happened?" 

Alex stopped, breathing hard and grabbed the bag to stop it swaying.

"Nothing to say, Doc." She returned to punching the bag.

\-------------------------------

There was an alarm blaring and the sound of yelling as Lena walked into the DEO the next morning. She recognised Lucy’s voice immediately.

“Stand down Alex.” Her voice was commanding but didn’t seem to be having any effect.

“I’m going after those bastards and you can’t stop me.” Alex yelled, sounding slightly unhinged. 

As Lena came round the corner she saw Alex in full black tactical gear, with a serious array of weaponry strapped across her body, facing off with Lucy and half a dozen agents who looked very unsure, not actually pointing their weapons at her but at the floor in front of her.

Without even thinking, she ran in front of them all to stand directly in front of Alex, arms held up in a gesture of placation, barely more than arm’s length away from her. She had realised immediately what the standoff was about and what the other woman intended.

“You can't do this Alex - you won’t come back from it.” She ducked her head slightly to try and catch Alex’s eyes.

“You won't be you any more if you do this. If you even survive. I know I have no room to throw stones over extra judicial actions but this isn’t you Alex. You are an agent, and an honorable person, not some vigilante hell bent on a revenge mission of mass murder.”

“But I'm not me anymore. And it was my honour that lost you, Lena.” Her voice was harsh and bitter.

Lena looked at her, confused, as Lucy cleared the agents from the room, behind closed doors. She could see where this conversation was heading and wanted to try to give them some privacy before it went any further. The agents were still armed and within responding distance but not fully within ear shot.

“If I’d just told you about Kara when I got my memories back you wouldn’t have kept it from me that you already knew and we...” Her breath hitched and tears started to stream down her face.

“This….this wasn't about Lex?” 

Alex looked surprised. “Lex? That bastard deserved everything that was coming to him for what he’s done - to you, to Kara, hell to the whole damn world.” She gestured wildly.

“I’m only sorry it had to be you and you have to live with it.”

“Wh...then..why did you leave?” Tears were streaming down Lena’s face now too and her voice was raw with the pain of the question. 

“We were lying to each other, Lena. What kind of relationship was it if we were both keeping secrets from each other.” She took a ragged breath.

“And you threw me out, remember?”

They stared at each other in silence, minutes stretching around them.

“They used you against me, Lee.” Alex’s voice was so quiet Lena almost missed it.

“When they had me, I kept seeing you over and over again, taunting me. Their tech finds the thing that matters to you the most from your mind, from your memories and it twists it. Trapping you in your own mind with the corrupted version of the thing you love and they use it to get you to tell them everything. They take your worst moments and make you relive them again and again until you fucking break.” Alex was yelling now, and sobbing so hard she could barely get the words out. “I saw you over and over again telling me to get out, that cold look on your face and I knew you hated me.”

She drew a ragged breath. “I lost you and Kara and I wanted to make them pay for what they did to me. There is nothing to come back for and I.. I don't know how.. so I wanted to make them pay.”

Her voice cracked and she fell to her knees, buried her face in her hands and broke down, howling with anguish. She sobbed, repeating her words over and over again “I just wanted to make them pay.”

Lena could feel her heart breaking as she all but collapsed onto the floor next to Alex and wrapped her in her arms, pressing her head to the top of Alex’s and rocking her gently as the broken woman wept. 

Lucy was dismissing the security team as Eliza and Kara arrived.

“We heard shouting - was that Alex?” Eliza sounded worried.

Kara’s face was pinched as she had probably heard every word of her sister’s breakdown. Enhanced hearing was a curse as well as a blessing sometimes.

Kara helped Lena to get Alex to her feet and, scooping her into her arms, carried her still sobbing sister back to her room.

Alex was inconsolable and, once she stopped the worst of the sobbing, she allowed herself to be disarmed and eventually fell into an exhausted sleep, not waking until later that morning. 

Lena hadn’t moved from the chair next to her bed and Eliza and Kara were talking quietly by the window when Alex finally awoke. 

Sitting up, she swung her legs over the side of bed and rested her fists against the bed, hanging her head to stare at her feet as she gradually came to.

“How are you doing?” Lena asked gently, trying to meet the older woman's eyes.

Alex looked up, embarrassed and sitting up, rubbed the back of her neck.

“I could do with a bucket load of whiskey.” She smiled weakly.

“How about a coffee?” Lena countered with a smile.

“Please.” 

Lena rose and tentatively reached out to pat Alex’s knee on her way out.

Alex turned her head, following her movements thoughtfully, before heaving herself off the bed. She covered the room in three strides, meeting her mother halfway, where she had been hovering uncertainly, with Kara much the same behind her.

Alex wrapped her arms around her mother and hugged her tightly, resting her head on the eldest Danvers woman’s shoulder.

“My beautiful girl.” Eliza murmured into her daughter’s hair as she hugged her back.

They stayed like that for several minutes until Alex stepped back. 

Kara continued to look uncertain, but before she had a chance to act, Lena returned with a large takeout coffee cup and was followed by Lucy and Kelly. 

Alex turned to face them and gratefully took the coffee from Lena, with murmured thanks.

“How are you doing Alex?” Lucy asked, unknowingly echoing Lena’s earlier question.

“Kinda embarrassed for sobbing like a baby in front of the whole of the DEO.” 

“I think you get a free pass there, considering.” Lucy’s smile was pained.

Alex looked her directly in the eye and Lucy realised it was the first time she had made eye contact since her return. The storm of emotion swirling behind her eyes was intense and mesmeric.

"It's gone.” She continued to stare at Lucy, but her eyes lost focus, the intensity turning inwards. 

“All of it.. Whatever fog there was in my mind and my body that was holding me back, pinning me down it's gone. That…"

She hesitated, but didn’t look away, her eyes regaining their focus "Emotional breakdown cleared the last of it..I'm..” She took a deep breath, steadying herself. “I'm me again. Enhanced abilities not withstanding. And everything has come back. Everything." She winced.

Lucy returned her look for a long moment, wondering what was going on for Alex behind that turbulent gaze. 

“Do you think you are ready to talk to myself and Kelly about what you told Lena?” Lucy ventured.

Alex’s stare lost all intensity as she suddenly returned to skittishness at the question and looked like she was ready to bolt, or throw up.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Eliza offered, gently.

“I...thanks, Mom but I’m not ready for you to hear the details. Hell, I’m not ready to hear the details.” She swallowed audibly.

“I don’t know if I can do this.”

“It’s ok….when you are ready.” Kelly’s tone was calm and her smile friendly.

Alex wiped her hand down her trouser leg.

“Oh..ok.” She nodded.

Eliza smiled and squeezed her arm before leaving her to it. Kara continued to look lost but settled for a small smile at Alex and followed her mother out.

Lena reached out and took Alex’s hand and squeezed it. Alex looked up at her, surprised.

“I’ll just be in the lab if you need me.” She smiled and left.

Alex watched her leave, a mixture of surprise and confusion on her face.

“Are you comfortable here or is there somewhere else you would prefer?” Kelly asked.

“I…” Alex looked around. “Here’s fine, I guess.” She sat down on the bed and gulped her coffee.

“Alex, is it ok if I stay?” Lucy carefully asked “You know we will need to do an official debrief, but I don’t want you to have to go through any of this more than you have to. That’s if you are even ready to talk.”

“I guess everyone heard me, huh?” Alex looked down at her coffee.

“Alex, there is no shame in what happened today. There is no shame in any of what happened to you.” Kelly’s tone was reassuring enough that Alex took a breath and looked up at them both.

“I really would like you to talk to me as you said some things that make me need to check that you are ok, that you are safe.” Kelly began.

Alex looked up sharply, realising what the psychologist meant.

“Fine.” She sounded hesitant, but remained sitting on the bed.

Taking a deep breath she tried again, sounding a little more definite “Okay.” She exhaled loudly.

“Can we start with some safeguarding questions?”

Alex nodded.

"Do you understand what you said, Alex?" 

"I…" She looked Kelly in the eye.

"Yes."

"You’ve had thoughts about hurting yourself before?"

"Yes." Her voice was small.

"Do you think you are going to try and act on them?"

Alex heard the unspoken "again" and swallowed.

"I...I don’t know." 

"That's ok, Alex." 

"You aren’t alone here. There will be someone here anytime that you can talk to if you have those thoughts. Will you do that Alex?" 

“I just…I don’t know how to talk about it. There’s... I...I... have nothing to come back for." 

"Can you tell me what you mean by that?" 

"I...they hate me... I lost...everything…" 

"Your sister, mother and Lena’s actions would suggest otherwise, they have barely left the DEO since you have been here." Kelly was reassuring but her tone was firm.

"But...I…..we...fought.” Alex shook her head as if to clear it, screwing up her eyes and pressing her fingers to her forehead, rubbing fiercely.

"That’s ok, some confusion is to be expected." 

"I don't know how to come back… I don't know how to stop seeing it, every time I look at them all I see is…." She stopped and shook her head again.

"I argued with Lena and Kara, before I signed up and that's what I saw… I knew it wasn't real but… It..it got mixed up with my memories and…" She ran her hand through her hair.

"Alex, is that why you don't want to be around anyone? Lena says you've been spending a lot of time alone in the gym." 

Alex looked up "Lena…" She shook her head, the look of confusion returning. 

"I wanted to get stronger, with the Harun El, I could find them and… End this." The last words were almost a growl, as she stared off into the distance, eyes focused inwards, seeing something only visible to her.

"Alex.." Kelly called her name gently.

When she didn't respond Lucy spoke "Alex." Her voice threaded with her command tone.

Alex looked up but it took her a moment to focus and return to the present. 

"Alex they're gone. There is no one to get your revenge on. We couldn't find them. You're safe now. It's time to come home." 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What does everyone think Alex has on her playlist? My thoughts for this whole fic are here (it's in progress and also to avoid any spoilers) : 
> 
> https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEDB0oVj5kIhSeanR0krRCSvFbLGYarBp
> 
> Remember Kara telling Alex "Your punk phase was very strange"? I can't imagine she totally grew out of it.
> 
> You can also talk to me on Tumblr @ jellybabykid


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Define ‘missing’ Vasquez” Lucy’s tone was clipped, harsh, and frankly, terrifying. 
> 
> “Agent Danvers isn’t anywhere in the building” 
> 
> “Please tell me we replaced her tracker?”
> 
> Vasquez pulled her fist from behind her back and held it out in front of her. She opened her hand to reveal a slightly blood stained piece of gauze, with the tracker sitting in the middle of it. A red light blinked faintly from the tiny capsule.
> 
> “It was on her bed.”

Kelly sat down heavily in one of the visitors chairs on the opposite side of the desk to Lucy and rubbed her hands over her face.

Lucy looked up at her inquisitively. “How’s it going?” 

The safeguarding session the day before had been cut short by Lucy’s revelation and Alex had retreated to the gym and solitude. Kelly had managed to resume their therapy session that morning and finally been able to get Alex talking, even if only hesitantly. 

Kelly sighed deeply and gripped the arms of the chair, tension evident in her posture.

“I have been a trauma therapist for over four years and counselled war veterans, but this.” She stared at Lucy, her eyes wide. “I am constantly surprised at what some bastards can dream up.”

Lucy watched her, frowning. She didn’t speak, giving the woman space to organise her thoughts and continue at her own pace.

“Drugging her food and attempting to beat information out of her were pretty much expected.” Kelly squeezed her eyes shut, horrified at what had become routine in her work.

“But this technology, this was something else. Lena and Kara were not only the two people closest to Alex before her reassignment, but we know that she argued with both of them and these were already really intense memories for her. They were drivers of her recent behaviour.”

She leaned forward as she spoke, becoming more animated. “From what I can ascertain, from what Alex was able to tell me, this tech took her memories and twisted them. It took her emotions and amplified them, chemically. And then it played the altered memories back to her on some kind of repeating loop, with the associated chemical stimuli. The anger she felt towards her sister became almost feral rage as she repeated their argument over and over with the machinery running through all possible and progressively more negative versions of the scenario one at time in her mind. With her argument with Lena it was loss, grief, despair, heartbreak. The perceived judgement she felt Lena had towards her. Imagine your worst arguments, your worst heartbreak. The most painful emotions you have ever felt amplified a hundredfold, played back at you over and over. And then imagine they are twisted so that the other person is mocking you, taunting you within those memories. It would be like living the worst possible versions of the worst moments of your life on a progressively worsening loop.”

Kelly was breathing heavily, her eyes wild. She closed them and took several slow shuddering breaths.

“It is a clever idea, in the abstract.” She continued once she had regained some equilibrium.

“The victim either goes mad and breaks from the torment of the taunting and mocking of those they love most or it makes them crack and tell their captors anything they want to know out of total defeat.” She sighed.

“In reality, it is utterly horrific.”

Lucy had slumped against the back of her chair as Kelly had spoken, the colour draining from her face as she listened. She spoke slowly as she absorbed the extent of other woman’s findings.

“You are talking about total sensory disorientation with complete physical paralysis.” Lucy looked stunned. “Everything we learn about this whole mess just keeps getting worse. I’ve been involved in some morally grey interrogations in my time in uniform, but this...” She swallowed, looking slightly nauseous. “This is a whole new realm of wrong. No wonder she kept saying everything was broken and that she had lost them. As far as she is concerned everything between her, Lena and Kara has been shattered and twisted beyond all recognition for her. She was a bloody mess over them both before this.” She leaned forward and propped her elbows on the desk and buried her face in her hands. After a few moments she looked up at Kelly.

“Is there any way we can help through this? Is there anything we can do to bring her back?” 

Kelly wasn’t surprised to see the depth of pain in Lucy’s eyes. She suspected it was reflected in her own and Lucy was already friends with Alex before this. As her commanding officer she could only imagine how this must be tormenting her.

“Even from the conversations we have started to have she is showing signs of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder, Clinical Depression and Anxiety. None of those are surprising, given what she’s been through.”

She paused and smiled weakly “As a psychologist and trauma specialist these are things I have a lot of experience treating.” She took a deep breath “But I have no idea how we convince her that none of the things she experienced were real when she has lived the most twisted versions of her own worst nightmares as if they were real.”

Lucy was struck by a thought. “These weren’t just interrogation techniques. They are brainwashing techniques too. Please do not tell me we have just superpowered a sleeper agent?”

Kelly looked taken aback, but thought for a moment. “You’re right. But so far Alex has shown no indication of brainwashing and I think from her reaction yesterday she is most in danger of hurting herself rather than anyone else. She might think she wanted revenge, but I think she just wanted to find peace.”

Kelly didn’t even notice the tears running down her face as she spoke.

\--------------------

Lucy and Kelly agreed that it would be cruel to make Alex relive what had happened any more than she already was, and gathered everyone in the conference room for Kelly to explain it to them in her stead. 

It wasn’t her normal therapeutic practice to breach patient confidentiality, but when dealing with posttraumatic cases like this, sometimes it was necessary to explain to those closest to the patient what they were going through, and help them learn ways they could help them to cope and heal.

When Kelly finished speaking Kara stood so abruptly her chair tipped over. She turned round and punched the wall behind her, leaving a large hole almost completely through the concrete. She stood with her forehead leaning on the wall, her shoulders shaking with shuddering breaths. The movement startled them all, but not as much as when Eliza strode to the front of the room and slapped Lucy around the face. The sound echoed around the sudden silence in the room. 

“I blame you for this.” She hissed before storming out of the room, the door swinging closed behind her. 

Lucy looked only slightly more stunned than everyone else, who remained motionless for several long minutes. Shocked into silence.

Kara hurried out after her mother, but not before mumbling at Lucy. “She’s just upset, I’m sure she didn’t mean it.”

Lena didn’t speak or acknowledge anyone else as she strode out of the room, her whole body visibly shaking, her eyes filled with tears.

J’onn looked like he was trying to hold back his own tears as he left without speaking, leaving Lucy and Kelly alone. 

Lucy stood utterly still, her fists clenched at her sides and eyes screwed tightly shut.

“She’s right.” Her voice was so quiet Kelly almost missed it.

“I knew she was upset when she requested the secondment. I knew she was being reckless. I sent her on this mission. As her commanding officer I should have made better choices. I have a duty of care.” She opened her eyes and tears poured down her face. “Worse, I was her friend and I let her down.” 

She covered her face with her hands and sobbed, briefly, before taking a deep breath, wiping her face and standing up straight. 

“But self recriminations won’t help Alex. As her commanding officer and her friend the one thing I can do is figure out how to bring her family together to help her.”

Kelly took a step towards her and placed a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “It’s a team effort.” Her tone was soft and equally reassuring. “This isn’t entirely on your shoulders, Lucy.”

Lucy turned to look at Kelly and smiled weakly in gratitude. 

\----------------------------

“Define ‘missing’ Vasquez” 

The agent currently being addressed blanched as Lucy rose from her seat and placed her weight on her arms as she leaned across the desk.

Lucy’s tone was clipped, harsh, and frankly, terrifying. She had returned to her office after the meeting and her confrontation with Eliza. A strategic retreat in military terms, she had mused to herself. 

“Agent Danvers isn’t anywhere in the building” Vasquez replied, trying not to lean back, away from her commanding officer.

“Please tell me we replaced her tracker?”

Vasquez had been standing at parade rest, her hands clasped behind her back, but at this, she pulled her fist from behind her back and held it out in front of her. She opened her hand to reveal a slightly blood stained piece of gauze, with the tracker sitting in the middle of it. A red light blinked faintly from the tiny capsule.

“It was on her bed.”

Lucy swore softly and sank back into her chair. 

“None of the intruder alarms in the building have been tripped, but no one has been able to find her on any of the surveillance cameras either.”

“Alex was the Director here. She knows where all the cameras were. Hell, she probably fitted some of them.” Lucy sighed and rested her chin on her fist, her elbow propped on the arm of her chair as she looked thoughtful. 

“It suggests she left of her own accord, rather than being forcibly taken.” 

Lucy looked back at the agent in front of her. “Do we know where the other Doctor Danvers is? I seriously do not want to have another difficult conversation with her about Alex any time soon.”

“Supergirl took Alex’s Mom home. She said something about needing to get away from the DEO for a bit.”

Lucy’s eyebrows rose, but she said nothing in response to this information.

“Right, well, I’ll check with Ms Luthor and Kara, but in the meantime, keep looking. And please let Doctor Olsen know.”

Vasquez nodded at the clear dismissal, turned on her heel and left the office as quickly as she could without breaking into a run.

\-----------------------

Alex felt lost. When Lucy had told her that the aliens she had been working with undercover had vanished, she felt like she had been cut adrift. 

When the Harun El had started to work, and her strength had not only returned but increased, the only thing she could think about was revenge. She wanted to take all the rage she felt, find them and kill them all. When Lena had told her that she wouldn’t come back from it, she realised that not only didn’t she care, she welcomed it. 

The rage she felt when she looked at Kara and the pain she felt every time she saw Lena made her feel like everything in her life had been irreparably broken the day she had signed up for black ops, Even before she’d set off on her first mission. And now, seeing the pain on her mother’s face at what had happened to her was unbearable.

With that goal gone she felt like her purpose had been ripped away. She had no idea how to deal with anything that was left, no idea how to go on. It was all rage and pain and hurt.

She had woken up that morning and could not face another conversation with Doctor Olsen. She didn’t want to see the looks of pity on the faces of those around her. Using her surgical skills and knowledge of the DEO she removed her tracker (what was one more scar, right?) and left, avoiding every camera in the building.

Smiling with grim irony she was extremely glad she had garaged her bike somewhere that used a security code and not a key, as she had no idea where that would be now. Fortunately, she kept a spare key to the bike in the leather jacket she had left with it, along with her helmet. Payment for the storage had been in cash, something else she’d left a small amount of with the bike so she was, for the first time in years, entirely off grid.

The jacket was black, with full bike padding. It fitted with the black fatigue trousers, long sleeved tee shirt, fleece jacket and combat boots she had left the DEO wearing. Pulling the helmet on, she turned the key in the ignition and pushed the starter, amazed that the battery hadn’t gone flat from lack of use. She twisted the throttle and pushed the bike out of the storage unit, letting the engine warm up while she pulled the door of the storage unit closed behind her. 

Climbing on the bike, she revved the engine, enjoying the deep bass purr of the Ducati’s engine. The freedom of riding her bike was definitely something she had missed. Kicking up the stand and knocking the machine into gear she eased out the clutch and pulled into traffic. 

It was still early and traffic was light, allowing her to quickly leave the city behind and get out onto the open road. Alex had no destination in mind, just the urge to be moving, to escape. The speedo ticked up and time became a blur as she enjoyed the feeling of the wind blasting past her. The last of the urban sprawl thinned out and the scenery along the roads became trees and eventually the sea as she moved onto the coast road. 

Only when Alex was forced to stop for gas did she realise where she was heading, as if on autopilot. She picked up a bottle of scotch and stowed it snug in the front of her jacket when she paid and resumed her ride.

  
  


\----------------------

  
  


Kara fidgeted around her mother, twisting her hands in an unconscious imitation of Lena when she was nervous, as she dropped her mother outside the front door of their family home.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay?” She sounded hesitant and nervous, she had never seen her mother this angry.

Eliza gently touched Kara’s arm and she attempted to smile at her youngest daughter.

“Thanks Kara, but I’m fine. I just need some space and some distance from.” She paused, closing her eyes. “That place.” 

Kara knew she really meant the military and government agency staff and all the hurts they represented for her. It wasn’t just Alex, it was the loss of Jeremiah to them as well, that this whole situation must endlessly remind her of.

Eliza took a deep breath and visibly relaxed her posture, smiling properly at Kara this time.

“You go, sweetie, one of us needs to keep an eye on Alex and I just can’t be around anyone else right now. I need the sea air and to get out in the garden and prune something.” 

The tone of her voice made Kara’s eyebrows rise slightly and she feared for any wayward plants in the vicinity.

Leaning forward she wrapped her adoptive mother in a brief hug, murmuring “You just need to call, for anything.” In her ear, before she stepped off the porch and launched herself into the overcast sky. 

Eliza watched her disappear for several long moments before pulling her keys out of her pocket and unlocking the door. She closed it behind her and leant against it, eyes closed, breathing deeply for several minutes before she felt ready to move. 

While the coffee brewed, she changed into her scruffy gardening jeans and an old shirt over a warm sweater and heavy lace up boots. Her gloves and secateurs still sat on the side from her last gardening session, when she had previously taken a break from the DEO while she thought Alex had been starting to recuperate. She had thought that all the time she had been spending the gym, regaining physical strength had been a good thing. Had hoped that the mental side would follow. She sighed, and poured coffee into a mug. Picking up her gloves, she headed outside, hoping a little gardening would improve her own mental state. 

The clouds were starting to burn off as Eliza stood and stretched her back several hours later. She looked around her and realised there really was nothing left to prune, weed or tidy. She paused for a brief lunch and to grab a jacket and headed out for a walk on the beach, hoping the cool air of approaching Fall would clear the last of the anger from her.

She was lost in her thoughts, watching the waves as she walked, enjoying the solitude as the beach was deserted. Mostly due to it being a weekday afternoon and no longer peak season for visitors. She gradually became aware of something further down the beach. A dark spot, it’s colour completely incongruous against the pale sand and frothing surf.

Eliza picked up speed and approached cautiously. She almost laughed when she realised what she was seeing.

“You had to get away too, huh?” She spoke as she stopped next to what she had rapidly realised, as she had got closer, was a person. She propped her fists on her hips, looking like an older version of her other daughter. 

Alex squinted up at her, her gaze slightly out of focus. 

“Are you...drunk?”

“Li’l bit.” She slurred back.

Eliza sat down next to her, both of them with their arms resting on their bent up knees, staring out to sea. She reached over and took the half empty bottle out of her daughter’s hand, where it was swinging between her knees, and took a swig before handing it back.

“Well, I can’t blame you. For either”

Alex looked at her mother, before turning her attention back to the sea and taking another pull from the bottle.

They sat in silence for some time, with Alex continuing to take occasional swigs from the bottle and offering it to her mother, who declined wordlessly after the first drink. 

“I’m lost, Mom.”

Eliza looped her arm through Alex’s and rested her head on the younger woman’s shoulder.

“No you’re not. You’ve come home.”

“I have no idea what to do now. As soon as the Harun El kicked in I only had one thought, one purpose. I got stronger, I studied tactics and strategy and I wanted to go after them and now they are gone and I have no idea what to do, I have no idea who I am anymore.” Her voice wavered and she took a long pull from the bottle she was still holding. 

“And I have all this….stuff in my head, like it's too full of thoughts, like having a swarm of bees buzzing in my head all the time. And it’s like there’s a wall between me and everyone else and I keep..I keep..” She sniffed and swiped at her eyes. 

“I keep seeing it. It just happens, when I’m not even thinking about it, I’ll get a flash of what happened like a snatch of film and all these emotions…” She trailed off and took a deep, shuddering breath. “It’s like it’s happening again but….it never really happened. It was all some technological and chemical conjuring trick.”

She looked away, covering her eyes with her hand as she tried to get her breath, which was coming in ragged gasps.

Eliza pulled her arm away and wrapped both of them round Alex’s shoulders, pulling her against her as Alex cried.

They stayed that way for a while, Eliza holding her daughter tight, as the light slowly started to fade around them to a hazy twilight. Eventually, Eliza unwrapped her arms from around Alex and stood, offering her her hand and pulling her to her feet. Alex leaned forward and pulled her mother into a tight hug and they walked home in silence, Eliza’s arm around her daughter’s shoulder. 

Alex was hesitant walking into the house, but Eliza took her hand and gently pulled her across the threshold.

“Stay.”

Alex looked up and met her mother’s eyes, confusion in her own.

“Stay here for a bit. With me.”

Alex looked unsure.

“This is your home Alex. And you certainly can’t drive anywhere tonight.” Eliza grimaced as she pulled the almost empty bottle of scotch out of Alex’s hand.

Alex smiled slightly and walked fully into the house behind her mother, resting her arm around the older womans’ shoulders as they headed into the kitchen together. 

Eliza sent Alex upstairs to shower and change, saying she was starting dinner. First she faced a task of her own that she was not looking forward to.

Taking a deep breath she picked up her phone and selected the contact from her list and hit the dial icon.

“Major Lane.” Eliza returned to the formality of the other woman’s rank, following their last encounter, as the line connected.

“Doctor Danvers.” Lucy returned the formality.

Eliza could hear the slight wince in the other woman’s tone, and was almost tempted to make her squirm, knowing full well that she would have been frantically looking for Alex, and trying to avoid explaining to her that she was missing again.

Deciding to be the bigger person Eliza just said. “Alex is here.”

Eliza could hear Lucy exhale with relief, even over the phone line.

“She’s drunk off her ass, but she’s here and I’ve suggested she stay for a while.”

Her tone made it clear that this was not up for debate.

“Right. Ok.” Lucy’s tone relaxed. “Thank you for letting me know Doctor Danvers.” 

Eliza knew the other woman well enough by now to know that she was probably worried sick at having had Alex walk off site, probably with no warning or explanation, given her current state of mind. But she still couldn't let go of her anger. Alex’s situation might not be entirely Lucy’s fault. She knew how reckless and headstrong her daughter could be, but Eliza needed someone to blame right now.

“Of course.”

She hung up and let out a shuddering breath of her own. Nodding to herself that at least that task had been faced and dealt with, she slid the phone into her jeans pocket and turned her attention to cooking dinner for the both of them. Despite it all, she was relieved to have Alex home with her.

\-------------------

Waking early had become a routine for Alex. She had slept better at home, in her old bed, the sounds of the sea outside lulling her to sleep. But it was still dark when she woke. Sighing, she flung back the duvet and rolled out of bed. Rummaging in her cupboard had unearthed an old pair of running shoes. Pulling on a tee shirt, shorts, and a hoodie she headed outside. She stretched as she walked and when she got to the beach, she started to run. The shush of the surf and her breath were the only sounds as pounded along the sand.

It was just getting light as Alex returned to the house and set the coffee to brew. She poured a mug and sat at the table. Swiping the almost empty whisky bottle on the way past she sloshed a measure into her mug and set it on the table. 

The bottle had barely touched the wood of the kitchen table when Eliza strode in behind where Alex was sitting and grabbed it on her way past. Opening a cupboard she put it inside and closed the door. Scooping a squeezy bottle of honey off the counter she wordlessly plonked it down on the table in front of her daughter. Alex grinned sheepishly and added some to her spiked coffee before taking a large gulp. 

Eliza bustled round collecting breakfast things as Alex drank. An amiable silence settled between them.

A knock on the door made Alex jump slightly. Eliza rested a reassuring hand on her daughter’s shoulder as she passed her, on the way to the front door.

Alex heard a murmured exchange before she heard her mother’s voice raise and call her name.

Eliza returned to the kitchen and breakfast preparations, leaving Alex to deal with the visitor, who clearly had not been granted admittance.

Vasquez stood in the open doorway, her hands clasped behind her back and feet regulation shoulder width apart; parade rest stance.

“Ma’am.” She nodded respectfully at Alex who didn’t reply.

“Major Lane sent me, Ma’am.” She sounded nervous but reached into her pocket and held an item out.

“She said you are to have this and that she would be grateful if you kept it with you at all times.” 

The way she said  _ grateful _ made it clear it was an order, and not merely the polite request it might have sounded.

Alex took the phone from her reluctantly.

Vasquez bent to pick up the items at her feet. She handed Alex a tablet. 

“Doctor Olsen sent this. It has a secure video chat program for your therapy sessions and she has loaded some books on it she thought you might find useful.”

Alex took the offered item with a slight scowl.

Vasquez hefted the duffle bag at her feet and dropped it carefully in front of Alex. 

“I packed some of your gear, thought you might need it.” She attempted a smile, clearly still nervous at not getting any sort of verbal response, but pleased not to have been kicked off the property, having heard about the eldest Danvers’ confrontation with Major Lane.

“I added your workout playlists to your phone and there are headphones in your bag, along with the charger.”

Alex looked directly at the other agent then, surprise colouring her features.

“Thank you.” Her voice was quiet but her tone held genuine warmth. 

“Ma’am.” Vasquez nodded and looked hesitant.

“If there is anything else you need.” She gestured at the phone in Alex’s hand.

“Thanks.”

Vasquez nodded again and took this as a dismissal. She didn’t quite run to the black SUV parked at the end of the drive but she was definitely not lingering. 

Alex watched her go, closing the door behind her. She looked down at the phone in her hand and pushed the button to bring the screen to life. Bringing up the contact folder she found seven numbers; Lucy’s personal mobile, Vasquez, Dr Olsen and J’onn were those she expected. Kara and Lena’s numbers were a mild surprise. The national sucide hotline was an unexpected shock. It filled her with both rage at the arrogance that she might need it and a kind of warmth that they had cared enough to think of something so sensible. It was there in black and white - she was not well. But also that she wasn’t alone.

Going back to the main screen she noticed that there was a photo in the phone’s album. Curious, she clicked on it and was surprised to see it was her and Lucy, right after she had gone out to the desert and started training. She could see the sadness in her own eyes but they were both grinning and absolutely caked in dust, having just completed Alex’s first run of the obstacle course. Lucy had run it with her after Alex had egged her on about having a desk job. She felt the ghost of a smile at the memory. It was another gentle reminder that she wasn’t alone.

Alex clicked the phone’s screen off and slid it in her pocket. Hefting her bag and the tablet she headed back into the kitchen. Eliza was just putting out breakfast and Alex wondered how many she was planning on feeding. She could barely see the table for plates of food, mugs of coffee and glasses of juice.

She dropped the bag at her feet and looked up at her mother. 

“Looks like I’m staying, I guess.”

Eliza beamed at her in reply. Alex smiled back, embarrassed by the enthusiastic response. They stood there like that for a long moment, before Eliza gestured at the table.

“Sit, eat, before it gets cold.”

After her early morning run and barely eating the previous day, Alex did not need asking twice.

Despite being issued with a phone, Alex was left in peace for the rest of the day. By the DEO at least. When her mother realised she had significantly more strength, especially considering the amount of time she had been spending in the gym, she put her to work. 

After Eliza’s severe pruning the previous day, she had the local garden centre deliver several large bags of mulch and had Alex lug them from the front of the house where they were delivered, to the back garden and spread it one shovelful at a time round the base of all the seriously shorn rose bushes.

When that was done, she was tasked with chopping wood for the fire in the lounge. While Alex toiled, Eliza pottered around the garden, empting pots and cleaning them for winter storage, planting bulbs and propagating cuttings.

They worked in a companionable silence and by the time they finished it was dinnertime. Alex was hot, sweaty and smudged with dirt and sawdust. 

Once they were tidied away, Eliza sent Alex off to shower and change while she sorted out something for dinner, being a lot less mucky than her daughter, who had done all the manual labour.

When she returned from the shower, her mother handed her a beer and tasked her with setting the table. 

“I’m cutting you off after one. I think you have earned it today, but yesterday is not to become a habit, Alexandra.”

Alex took the bottle, hearing the rebuke in the use of her full name, but her look stopped her mother as she was about to turn away.

“I think it might be a little late for that, Mom.” She looked utterly crestfallen.

Eliza crossed the room in two strides and wrapped her daughter in a tight hug.

“It’s ok, honey. We can get through all this together. One step at a time. But hiding in a bottle really won’t help, though. Ok?” She squeezed Alex’s upper arms with a tight lipped smile and a nod and returned to making dinner. 

Alex swigged her beer and got to work on setting the table, grateful her mother hadn’t made a difficult conversation harder than it needed to be. She was touched and genuinely appreciative of how much her mother had given her the space she desperately needed along with gentle non-judgmental support. Even if she was starting to ache from the amount of spade work she had done today, she thought wryly.

They spent a companionable evening in front of the fire in the lounge, Eliza made them hot chocolate and engrossed herself in a book, half frame glasses propped on her nose. Alex flipped through the books on the tablet Kelly had sent her. They included volumes on trauma recovery, mindfulness and self compassion. She rolled her eyes at the last one, but found the first one intriguing. She strongly suspected that the volume of chess strategies that had also been included had less to do with the psychologist and more to do with a certain CEO. She found the small personal touch brought the ghost of a smile to her lips. 

The following morning was another early start and a run on the beach. Once again the coffee she had put on had just finished brewing when Eliza walked in and Alex was beginning to think the timing was deliberate. She returned her mother’s smile of greeting as she leaned against the counter and squeezed honey into her coffee.

She was about to ask her mother what jobs she had planned for her today when the phone she had been issued and ordered to carry pinged in her pocket.

She pulled it out, unwrapped the headphones she had been using during her run and checked the screen.

**Kelly Olsen** : Your therapy resumes this morning at 10am. Please call me using the app on your tablet.

Alex snorted with mild annoyance. She noted the wording did not allow room for arguments. At her mother’s quirked eyebrow she showed her the message.

“Good. You can use the office so you’ll have privacy.” Any hope of an ally to help her avoid the chore vanished instantly at her mother's response.

“Eggs for breakfast?” She changed the subject, clearly considering it closed.

Before Alex could answer there was a knock on the door. Alex pushed off the counter and, putting her mug down on the table on the way past, headed out to answer it.

It was a delivery driver.

“Alex Danvers?” He confirmed.

When Alex nodded he handed her the package and propped the electronic pad on top of it.

“Sign here.” He pointed at the bottom of the screen.

As he left, she closed the door and looked at the label. It didn’t have a sender’s name. She turned it over curiously and ripped open the strip on the back. She pulled out a box containing a wooden chess set. She jumped when the phone in her pocket pinged again. She immediately resolved to find the setting to change notifications to vibrate. Juggling the items in her hands she looked at the screen.

**Lena Luthor:** e4

She frowned as she read it, slowly walking back to the kitchen, confused. When she put the package down on the table she suddenly laughed softly as she understood the message. It was an opening move for white in chess notation.

Eliza took the packaging off the table leaving the chess set and placed a plate of scrambled eggs in front of Alex.

She smiled as she saw the faint, but genuine smile of joy on her daughter's face. The first she remembered seeing in a long time.

“No phones at the table.” She admonished gently as she set her own plate down, along with a rack of toast and sat to eat.. 

Alex hastily sent her own alphanumeric response and put the phone away, still smiling and picked up her fork. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank so much to everyone who has been kind enough to leave Kudos and comments on this fic. It's great to know people are reading and enjoying :)
> 
> If you want to make suggestions for Alex’s playlist, you can check it out here:
> 
> https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEDB0oVj5kIhSeanR0krRCSvFbLGYarBp
> 
> You can also talk to me on Tumblr @ jellybabykid


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What happened Alex?” Kelly prompted after a few moments of silence.
> 
> “Before Kara told her, Lena already knew... and was lying to me, but she thought we had all betrayed her. Given that everyone she has ever cared about has betrayed her, what the hell else was she supposed to think.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting early this week as folks might be busy for the next couple of days.
> 
> You can come and talk to me on Tumblr @ jellybabykid

Once breakfast was finished Alex found it impossible to settle, knowing her therapy would be resuming and not looking forward to it. 

After doing the breakfast dishes and setting up the chess set Lena had sent her, with both of their opening moves set out, she attempted to escape the house and avoid the appointment altogether. She was thwarted by Eliza, who had left her to fret in peace but seemed to appear whenever Alex tried to disappear for a walk or to ‘just pop out to collect her bike’.

Just before ten, she appeared and hugged her daughter before firmly propelling her in the direction of her study with a murmured “good luck” in her ear.

Alex opened the tablet and set it up on the desk in front of her. Launching the secure video app, she clicked on one of only two contacts set up. The other being Lucy. It was a gentle reminder that this was a work device and she would definitely be working this morning.

She had barely started a round of box breathing to calm her anxiety when the call connected and Kelly smiled warmly at her from her office at the DEO.

“Good morning Alex, how are you doing today?”

Alex sighed inwardly and tried not to hate the process before she had even started it.

“Good morning Dr Olsen. More than a little uncomfortable with this whole process, in all honesty” 

“Kelly is fine.” She smiled again. “And honesty is a great start.”

“I think everyone is uncomfortable with the idea of therapy to start with; the thought of opening doors we would rather keep shut and sharing the contents with a total stranger can be intimidating.”

“You sound like you know how it feels.” Alex sounded a little surprised.

“Of course. As part of my training I have to undergo the process myself. It's the oxygen mask theory in airplanes; you have to help yourself before you can help anyone else.”

“Huh.” Alex replied thoughtfully, feeling somewhat less daunted by the whole ordeal.

“So, you obviously got the tablet we sent you. Did you get chance to have a look at the reading materials I loaded on it?”

“Yes…” Alex started hesitantly.

Kelly chuckled “Damned with faint praise, huh? Well, I can see that for someone like you dealing with things you can neither pin down in a lab and analyse or physically fight might seem a little…”

“Pointless?” Alex jumped in.

“Challenging.” Kelly finished.

“The books I have given you, and the work we do here, will give you the tools to help you understand what happened to you and allow you to deal with in a helpful and healthy way.”

Kelly could actually see Alex trying not to roll her eyes at that.

“Can I ask how you deal with things now? Such as stress at work?”

“That’s what scotch is for, Doc.” Alex fidgeted in her seat and realised she wasn’t helping herself get through this any quicker.

Taking a deep breath she tried again “I go to the gym or I go eat ice cream and hang out with…” Her voice trailed off. 

“Your sister?” 

“Yeah.” Alex felt a swirl of confused emotions; anxiety from both the actual and the machine twisted memories of arguing with her sister, and loss of knowing what she had had before, when they had shared everything and been so close. 

“Ok, we’ll come back to that.” Kelly nodded encouragingly

“I want to help you to learn new coping strategies, things you can do to help yourself.”

Alex looked both sceptical and slightly nauseous.

“You’ve got the phone Lucy sent you?”

Alex dug in her pocket and pulled it out, and waved it at Kelly.

“Ok, good, on there is a mindfulness app. I want you to work with it, just try a couple of minutes at a time. It will help you learn to stay in the present moment. To be with what’s going on right now, not what happened or worrying about the future. Ok?”

Alex looked at the phone and pulled up the app. It looked straightforward enough, with options for training, practicing, tracking progress and building experience. She tried to stay open minded and not hate it on principle.

“Can you do that?”

Kelly’s voice pulled Alex back to the session and she stuffed the phone in her pocket. She took a deep breath and said decisively, “Yes. I’ll give it a try.”

“Great.” Kelly smiled another of her encouraging smiles. “And you’ll read the books?” 

Alex tried very hard not to look defiant. “Yes.” Her tone was studiously neutral.

Kelly let the silence rest between them, leaving it to Alex to make the next move. 

“So...Where do we start?” Alex asked, nervously, wiping her palms along the thighs of her jeans. Her feet planted firmly on the floor, as if braced to run, as she leaned in towards the tablet. She was seated in her mother's wooden swivel chair, in front of the desk and rotated it gently from side to side. 

“How about the arguments you had that precipitated your joining special projects? The argument with Kara perhaps?”

Alex looked uncomfortable, her jaw working.

“It’s ok, I figured it out, you know.”

Alex looked wide eyed, desperately trying to think of something to say, but before she could formulate a suitable prevacation, Kelly continued.

“What, you thought those glasses were fooling anyone? Seriously?”

Alex just looked at her. 

“Oh. Wow, I can’t believe people really fall for the glasses and a ponytail.” Kelly chuckled.

“I also officially had it confirmed by Kara and Major Lane, when I was brought on board.”

Alex cleared her throat.

“Actually, that was what the argument was about. With Kara. The DEO was being investigated last year and I had my mind wiped so I had it removed from my memory that Kara is...was”

“Supergirl.” Kelly finished for her.

“Supergirl.” Alex nodded, relieved she wasn’t going to have to dance round the issue for once.

“While I was missing my memories, I started…” She gestured vaguely with her hand. “With Lena.” She paused clearly trying to find the right word.

“Dating?” Kelly offered.

“Well, I wouldn’t exactly call it dating.” Alex looked slightly embarrassed.

“Not at first, anyway. I mean, it’s not like I ever really asked her out. We just...well, we started hanging out and then...things just kinda happened. And kept happening and then we were...”

Alex took a deep breath. “I fell in love with her.”

“And then I got my memories back and I realised Lena had no idea Kara was Supergirl. It wasn’t my secret to tell but I couldn’t lie to Lena, so I asked Kara to tell her, I begged her.”

Alex stared at the ground. 

“What happened Alex?” Kelly prompted after a few moments of silence.

“Before Kara told her, Lena already knew. Her bastard of a brother told her before...before he died. She had known for  _ months. _ ” 

Her tone was anguished as she ran her hands through her hair and stared out of the window, trying to compose herself.

“So Lena thought I was lying to her, she didn’t know I had had my mind wiped.”

The volume of her voice rose. “And then I was trying to do the fucking honourable thing, waiting for Kara to tell her. But by then Lena already knew and was lying to me, but she thought we had all betrayed her, that we all knew and that we were laughing at her behind her back. Given that everyone she has ever cared about has betrayed her, what the hell else was she supposed to fucking think.” Her words came in a rush and by the time she had finished speaking she was almost yelling.

She covered her face with her hands, and then ran them through her already dishevelled hair.

“I was going to tell her that night - that I loved her - but instead we fought and she told me to leave. It was over. We were both lying to each other. The whole thing was a fucking sham.” 

Alex finally looked up at Kelly, tears streaming down her face.

“I went over to Kara’s. I was so fucking  _ angry _ with her. If she’d only told her when I’d  _ asked.  _ Months, she’d had. Years, really. _ ” _

Alex swiped at the tears cascading down her cheeks. 

“She’s my sister, but I just saw red. I couldn’t be anywhere near her. Lena was supposed to be her best friend and I know she thought she was protecting her, but that is just so much bullshit. Lena gets shot at more than I do and I’m in the fucking military.” 

She took a deep, shuddering breath.

“So I left. Lena hated me. And she lied to me. She thought I had betrayed her. And then I was so mad at Kara. I just…left.”

She paused, her breath ragged.

“I just couldn’t be around either of them. Around any of our friends. I just needed space. I needed to fucking escape.”

The silence stretched for several minutes. 

“I was almost married a couple of years ago.” She nodded at Kelly, her face streaked with tears.

“I loved her so much, I thought when we broke up I‘d never find anyone again, so when I realised I was falling for Lena I thought… I thought I was so lucky. I couldn't believe she would want to be with someone like me, but it was 8 months, and I was only just going to tell her I loved her. I was so nervous.” 

Her huff of laughter was mirthless.

“I hated Kara when she first came to live with us...and then all these years later I couldn't imagine my life without her, but this…”

She stopped speaking and shook her head, sucking on her bottom lip, having talked herself to a standstill. Out of sight of the video she fidgeted her hands in her lap.

“It wasn’t all a sham.”

Alex was so agitated and Kelly’s voice so soft that she barely heard it.

“What?” She looked up.

“You said ‘the whole thing was a fucking sham’. Well, it wasn’t though, was it? It was real to start with. When you first got together, before you got your memories back and before her brother told her about Kara, that was real.”

“How real was it if I had half my memories wiped?” Alex challenged.

“It was as real as it felt to you. It was as real as you were capable of. Real enough that you held onto it through everything you went through.”

Alex stared at the screen, not really seeing Kelly but lost in her thoughts and the implications of her words.

“Maybe we should leave it there for today?”

Alex nodded mutely.

She walked out of her mother’s study wiping at her tear soaked face, just as Eliza was coming out of the kitchen.

Eliza took one look at her daughter and wrapped her in a big hug.

“My beautiful, brave girl”

Alex sniffed loudly in response, buried in her mother's arms. 

“Not feeling so brave now. I’ve fought aliens with their own natural weaponry and jumped off buildings, but this…” She pulled away from the hug and swiped at her face with her sleeves, taking several deep breaths.

“Small steps, sweetheart. You’ve made a start.” Eliza squeezed her shoulders and smiled encouragingly.

Alex gave her a watery smile in return.

“Now.” Eliza stepped back and clapped her hands together. “We need to go grocery shopping since you are staying.”

Alex mock frowned at her mother, but had to laugh along with her when she dangled the truck keys in front of her. “You can drive.” 

They were halfway down the produce aisle when Eliza casually dropped it into the conversation about apples that Kara would be coming for Sunday lunch.

They walked in silence for several minutes before Eliza grabbed the shopping cart Alex was pushing, stopping her dead and turned to look at her.

“Spit it out.”

Alex looked sheepish and anywhere but at her mother.

“Come on Alex, I want to be able to have both my daughters in the same room for a meal. What is it.”

Alex looked around to make sure they couldn’t be overheard.

“I…” She rubbed the back of her neck before taking a deep breath and looking her mother in the eye. “We still haven’t really spoken, since I got back.”

Eliza nodded. “I know, but you were doing desensitization training to get used to being around her again.”

“About that…” Alex started pushing the trolley again. “We...haven't actually been talking. We’ve kinda just been...sparring.”

“That’s...good?” Her mother ventured.

“Um, not so much, it's mostly just been me knocking her on her ass.”

Eliza roared with laughter “Oh, it’ll do her good. Good for her to be reminded she’s mostly just like the rest of us occasionally. We’ll get some ice cream. You’ll be fine. Eventually. You two can work it out. You’ve been doing it for seventeen years.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Do not ask me how I am.”
> 
> “Fine. Why didn't you tell me about Lena?" 
> 
> “You’re her best friend and my sister…” Her voice trailed off, a faint blush rose to her cheeks.
> 
> “How was I gonna tell you we were sleeping together? ‘Hey Kara, me and Lena are friends with benefits, how was your day’?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please take note of the warnings in the tags; there is a lot of discussion of PTSD and flashbacks in this chapter.

The afternoon was overcast, the sea a roiling swirl of thrashing grey water and white foaming waves. Alex wandered along the beach and thumped heavily down on the sand, staring out into the water, feeling it reflect her own turbulent emotions. She crossed her legs, pulling her phone out of her jacket pocket and unwound the headphones, plugging them into her ears. 

The meditation app guided her as to how to start and she set the timer for two minutes. Listening to the instructions she closed her eyes, breathing in slowly and deeply. Immediately her mind rebelled and she felt her thoughts scatter in a dozen different directions. She took another breath. Again her thoughts chased and whirled, much like the seas birds calling over the restless waters. Again she tried, over and over until the gentle chime sounded in her ears signalling the timer’s end.

Opening her eyes she logged her first session, a lone dot on the chart both a starting point and a signal of how far she had still to go. Sighing, she tapped the training tab and started to read. A quiz identifying areas that she might want to work on. It would be easier to just have a sign that said ‘everything’ at this point, she thought bitterly.

The phone vibrated softly in her hands, startling her from her ruminations.

**Lucy Lane:** Hey. How are you doing?

**Alex Danvers:** Are you asking as my CO or my friend?

**Lucy Lane:** Both 

**Alex Danvers:** As my CO I had my first proper season with Kelly this morning and I am learning to meditate. 

**Alex Danvers:** As my friend <<eye roll emoji>>

**Lucy Lane:** As your CO, great work. It will help you. As your friend; stick with it, I need you back. There are alien bad guys I need your help drop kicking.

Alex snorted with laughter and sent back a thumbs up emoji.

Stuffing her phone back in her pocket she headed back up the beach towards the house to investigate what new chores her mother had found for her to use her enhanced strength on.

The rest of the week settled into a similar rhythm; beach running before the sun was up.  Breakfast with Eliza .Therapy with Kelly. Repeated attempts at various points throughout the day to get to grips with her new mindfulness practice. And a long list of very physical chores that her mother never seemed to run out of. Interspersed with texts from Lucy, encouraging her and making her laugh. It felt good, the easy camaraderie that they had struck up first at the DEO and then in the desert, was slowly returning. The normality of it was a welcome respite from the churning agitation of therapy and what felt like the glacially slow trudge of mindfulness.

The random alphanumeric chess move texts from Lena were infrequent but just as welcome, making her smile and giving her something else to think about while wielding a paintbrush, a scrubbing brush, up a ladder doing any number of tasks Eliza seemed to find for her to do.

Kara’s radio silence was deafening and induced a clench of nervousness in her stomach every time she thought about her impending visit that coming weekend. The anger she still felt hadn’t abated, but she couldn't figure out how much of it was really hers and how much was an exaggeration from her ordeal.

\-------------------------------

When Sunday arrived Alex was such an obvious bundle of nerves, Eliza banished her from the kitchen for fear she would break something in her agitation.

They were both surprised that Kara didn’t just walk in when she arrived, but rang the bell.

On opening the door, Alex was confronted with a large heavy punch bag. Kara's head appeared round the side of it, with a tentative smile.

“I thought I’d give you something else to punch, instead of me.” 

Alex couldn’t help but laugh, grateful that their mother had obviously had a chat with Kara and let her know about her nervousness at getting through this visit.

“Come on, you can help me fix it up.” 

“Hi Eliza.” Kara called as she waddled through the house, not hindered by the weight of her gift, so much as its size. 

“Hey Kara.” Her mother’s voice came back from the depths of the kitchen.

Alex followed Kara out to the back deck, a tool belt folded in her hands, which she turned, looking for the right size screwdriver for the bag’s fittings. Between them they had sufficient strength that a drill was unnecessary to fix up the bracket and hang the bag by it’s chains. Kara handed Alex the padded fingerless sparring gloves that had been tucked in the top of the bag and held it firm so her older sister could punch it without it moving.

So far they had worked in silence, but as Alex started a combination of moves she could feel the urge to say something weighing heavily on her sister.

“Do not ask me how I am.”

Left, right, left, left. The blows made soft thumps against the fabric of the bag, belying the strength behind them. Kara felt her feet sliding fractionally with each hit. It was going to take a while to get used to Alex’s enhanced strength. 

“Fine.  Why didn't you tell me about Lena?" 

Kara’s tone was gentle, rather than accusatory, but their closeness had mostly always allowed her to ask the incisive question. It sometimes drove Alex mad, but also made her wonder why she hadn’t considered her sister should be a reporter before Lena had suggested it.

Lena. Alex thought for a moment.

“Things were kind of...weird between us after I had my mindwiped. It just seemed kind of off, so I didn’t feel I could talk to you so much. I wasn’t sure there was anything to tell, at first anyway, I mean me and Lena, we hung out a lot, I was doing a lot of protection stuff for her, with that Lockwood situation. We didn't exactly go out on dates and then...well, you’re her best friend and my sister…” Her voice trailed off, a faint blush rose to her cheeks.

She stopped hitting the bag and looked directly at the younger woman, hands still raised in a partial guard stance.

“How was I gonna tell you we were sleeping together? ‘Hey Kara, me and Lena are friends with benefits, how was your day’?” Alex’s tone was sarcastic and mocking, her embarrassment obvious.

She sighed and turned back to hitting the bag, and avoid looking at her sister.

“And then I fell in love. After Maggie, I didn’t think that would happen again and certainly not with someone as amazing as Lena. I had no idea if she felt the same and I was so scared she didn’t.”

Alex paused, looking pained, her jaw clenching as she remembered. When I got my memories back about you, it changed things. I wanted to tell her how I felt, but how could I, when she didn't know about you? How could she believe anything I said when I was effectively lying about you? Her best friend?”

She was starting to shake now, this whole conversation getting too close to their previous argument. Taking a deep breath, she turned to face Kara, her hands dropping to her sides. 

“And then it was too late. Lex had already told her, so she thought I was lying to her.”

Kara frowned, pain etched on her face. She hesitantly reached a hand towards Alex, unsure if it would make things worse. She rested it on her sister’s shoulder and was relieved when it wasn’t shrugged off.

“I am so sorry Alex. You were right; I should have told her. I should have told her before you needed to ask me to. I was scared of losing her too.”

Alex sighed and covered Kara’s hand with her own. Silent tears ran down her face and she grabbed Kara and pulled her towards her in a hug.

Kara held her tight, resting her head on top of sister’s.

“I missed you Alex. I’ve missed you so much.”

Alex felt something in her let go then and she sobbed into Kara’s shoulder.

It was several moments before Alex pulled away, hiccupping slightly as the tears subsided and she turned her head to wipe her eyes with her shoulder.

“She still cares about you, you know. She barely left the DEO when they brought you back.”

Alex sighed and stared at the ground, pulling her gloves off.

“It’s not the same without you. It’s not as much fun as having you fight bad guys with me. And there’s no one to eat ice cream with and talk about it all with afterwards.”

That made Alex chuckle and was when Eliza called them to come and eat.

Lunch was easier after that, almost normal, as Eliza refereed the girl’s gentle bickering and the sisters fought over seconds and the obligatory thirds. It was almost dark by the time Kara left, delighted to be sent home with a bag of leftovers and their mother was visibly more relaxed, having finally been able to have her girls together again. Things clearly weren’t totally fine between the sisters, but she felt it was a hopeful start as she gave Alex a one armed hug as they stood on the porch and waved her younger daughter off back to National City. 

\------------------------

Monday arrived with a glorious blue sky that left Alex feeling quietly hopeful as she started her session with Kelly. It was a relief to be able to bring something positive to the session, outlining the previous day’s lunch with her sister and that things were more comfortable between them. Possibly helped by being on safe ground for them, in their family home where they had initially fought, but found a genuine bond forming between them. Things weren’t perfect, Alex still held a lot of anger towards her sister and her actions, but could also see she was genuinely sorry for the hurt she had caused. Some of Alex’s fury she knew wasn’t her own, but it didn’t make it any less difficult to deal with. Kelly reassured her that that was what their work together aimed to help her deal with.

It left her feeling more settled and comfortable in her skin than she had in some while, which was greatly needed as that afternoon started her official debrief sessions with Lucy. They were made easier by the fact that although they were official records, Alex would be submitting a written report so their sessions didn’t need recording. This left a lot of scope for healthy banter between the two, which made the whole thing less gruelling. Black humour was as much a part of any soldier’s arsenal as their weapons and made the retelling of the horrors of her captivity as easy for Alex as it was ever going to be.

It was still exhausting though, coming on top of therapy earlier in the day, and left her feeling dehydrated from more talking that she was used to in one day for quite some time. Heading for the kitchen she wondered if her mother would give her grief for starting on the beer. Opting to save herself the hassle, she reached down a water glass. 

It was a subtle sensation at first, more a feeling of uneasiness, disquiet. Nothing specific, nothing she could put her finger on. An image, one specific image kept coming unbidden to her thoughts, no matter how hard she tried to push it away. A clock. A broken clock, ticking backwards and forwards between one minute and the next. It was like watching a gif, infinitely looping, repeating as if her mind was glitching and stuck on that one moment. It was above a door, a locked door, and suddenly it was like being plunged into a virtual reality simulation; knowing you were still here, now, but this other reality was overlaid over the top of it, the two coexisting jarringly. That other reality became stronger and more powerful than this one, becoming real, visceral, bringing with it the sensations and emotions of that exact moment. Tendrils of fear wrapped themselves around her mind, her chest, the tips of her ears started to burn with rushing blood and her breathing hitched. Her heart tripped and raced, body flaring all over with heat, panic that she might be about to die. Rage and impotent fury at being trapped and suddenly Alex knew exactly where she was. A filthy, dank room in a basement on another planet. Hands tied to a chair, voices outside the locked room, coming ever closer, knowing she had been found out and they were going to kill her. Or worse, make her wish they were going to kill her.

The glass she had been holding shattered as her hand unconsciously became a fist, chunks hitting the floor, splinters scattering around her like snowflakes in a storm. A shard ripped into her hand, the pain jolted her out of whatever was happening and she gasped as if drowning and desperately sucking in air as reality snapped back around her.

Alex stood in the middle of the kitchen, surrounded by fragments of glass, stunned, shaking and gulping in frantic, ragged breaths as her heart tried to pound it’s way free of her chest.

She staggered to the sink, broken glass grinding to powder under her boots. As she unclenched her fist, fragments of glass fell from her hand into the basin and blood ran freely from around the jagged shard still embedded in her palm. Oblivious, she gripped the edge of the sink with her uninjured hand and continued to gasp, tears, cascading down her face as she tried to comprehend what had just happened.

“I heard a crash, everything ok?” Eliza asked as she walked into the kitchen, frowning.

Alex swiped at her face with her sleeve and turned the tap on, trying to compose herself.

“Yeah, smashed a glass. It’s nothing.” 

Running her hand under the tap she yanked the glass out and watched the blood mix with the water, as it washed down the drain, her mind not really focussed on the task.

“I’ll clean it up. Sorry.” She spoke without turning round.

“As long as you’re ok?” 

“Sure.” Alex felt anything but ok, but had no idea how to explain what had just happened to anyone else.

The water continued for flow for several minutes before she snapped out of her reverie and turned the tap off and reached the first aid box down from the top shelf of the cupboard above the coffee maker. The almost empty bottle of whiskey she had arrived with still sat on the bottom shelf, somewhat incongruously, next to the honey. It was the first time she had really noticed it, despite being the first up and making the coffee every morning. The first aid box slipped from her hand and she barely caught it before it could hit her in the head.

The cut was deep and needed several butterfly stitches. They were difficult to apply one handed and past the violent shakes that had started up as the adrenaline started to ebb away.

She swept up the glass in a daze, carefully wrapping the largest shards in newspaper before dumping them in the outside bin. Putting the broom away she drifted outside and out onto the beach, not noticing where her feet took her, wandering along the shore, before dropping bonelessly on the sand near the furthest end of the oceanfront. Pulling her legs up she wrapped her arms around her knees and stared off across the waves, eyes unfocussed and mind racing, leaping from one thought to the next, not lingering on any long enough to grasp or follow them.

The light was fading and she was starting to shiver, having left the house in nothing but her shirtsleeves, before she managed to gather her scattered thoughts and come back to herself. 

Standing, stiffly, she dusted sand off her jeans and headed slowly back towards the house. Silent through dinner she picked at her food and barely responded to Eliza’s attempts at conversation before heading off to her room as soon as the dishes were done and put away.

Most nights she and Eliza had sat together in the living room, in a companionable silence as they both read or occasionally watched a film together, the wood burner taking the edge off the cooler nights, giving the space a cosy, relaxed feel. Alex had relished the time, enjoyed the silent company, the lack of expectation to talk or be sociable beyond just being there and able to not be alone. Tonight, however, she couldn't face it.

Walking through her bedroom door, she locked it behind her. Pulling out her phone, she slumped to the floor, back against her bed and plugged in her headphones, ignoring the afternoon’s texts, she selected her loudest playlist, hit play and closed her eyes, head slumping back against the mattress. 

That night wasn’t the first nightmare, but after the incident the previous day it left her rattled, on edge and running along the road that morning, starting while it was still dark and barely arriving back in time for her session with Kelly.

That had been tough as she hadn’t known what to say, hadn’t been able to find words to be able to frame the experience. The nightmares were shapeless and formless, but left her with this deep sense of dread and jitteriness on waking that took several miles of hard running to dissipate. So she spoke of neither and ended the session early, claiming tiredness. 

The debriefing session with Lucy after lunch was far easier; factual, straightforward, if tough to talk about, but at least she wasn’t required to talk about emotions, feelings, thoughts. Just observations.

It was after dinner when it came again, the gradual feeling of unease that preceded the image invading her mind, swallowing all other thoughts, that clock, forever stuck in it’s single minute bringing with it the overwhelming rush of sensation, feelings of dread, panic and fear. All consuming fear, as it displaced her from reality, transporting her there, then to that exact moment. It stopped her dead in her tracks and stole her breath.

It was only Eliza calling her name, asking her if she wanted hot chocolate that shattered the illusion and deposited her back in her house in Midvale, gasping and terrified.

Muttering a negative she hid away in her room, door locked and music as loud as it would go.

Sleep wouldn't come that night, too unnerved of the dreams to be able to release herself into the oblivion she craved.

Therapy was an exercise in prevarication and obfuscation, avoidance of anything to do with nightmares or whatever that other thing was. She focussed on grumbling about mindfulness and how hard it was to stay with it and how it seemed fairly pointless to just sit still and breathe. 

It was the third and final day of debriefing with Lucy and it was a relief to have it all done. Hopefully a first step to returning to duty instead of days of chores, and the pointlessness of all this talking. It felt like inactivity and stagnation; standing still.

The study door was barely closed after the video call was concluded when the first manifestation hit, the searing sensation of heat along the very edges of her ears as if they were on fire and she knew. She closed her eyes against it but it was too late, the image of the clock flickered into life, projected on her mind's eye and there was the rushing moment of leaving the now and entering then, there. Her breathing hitched, coming in painful wheezes, her chest too tight and then all there was was fear, all consuming dread, the not knowing and the very real possibility that she might die.

It shook her in its grasp like a leaf in a tornado, leaving her wrung out and shaking. Breath merely a ragged pant. As soon as it left her, she grabbed her bike helmet and shrugged into her jacket, zipping it as she walked, fast strides out of the house, the door slamming behind her.

She rode faster and faster until the gas tank was almost empty and she was forced to stop. The garage was a mom and pop mini mart. As she waited in line to pay behind an old guy doing his grocery shopping she stared around her, fingers tapping against her thigh. Her gaze fell on the liquor at the end of a small aisle and she snatched up a bottle of bourbon, and paid for it with the gas, stuffing it in the front of her jacket as she got back on her bike and headed back to Midvale.

Dinner was another silent non event and it took half a bottle of bourbon that night before she passed out, falling into a restless but dreamless sleep. It was early when she woke, even for her, and still pitch dark. She stuffed the bottle in the drawer of her bedside table and dragged herself into her running gear and out into the frigid morning air, which burned off the worst of her hangover as she started to run.

Alex felt better for some sleep and her run, managing a mumbled “Good morning” to her mother as she handed her a mug of coffee.

She still felt anxious and on edge, wary of any incidents happening, as she had some to think of them, but sleep had made her somewhat less irritable and jumpy. 

Kelly was away at a conference for the rest of the week and her debriefings were finished, making her feel like she could breathe a little easier with neither to deal with.

She pulled eggs out of the fridge and started breakfast, as Eliza sat at the table drinking coffee.

“Since you don’t have any DEO commitments today can I have you back to help around the house?”

Alex wasn't sure how her mother knew that, and idly wondered if she was on speaking terms with Lucy again or if Kara had been putting her investigative skills to use on their mother’s behalf.

She also noted the humor in her tone and assumed that she had put Alex’s recent need for solitude down to her work with Lucy. It also gave her pause, concerned about what her mother had in mind for her. 

She turned to face her, spatula in hand, one eyebrow raised.

“I thought you could paint the exterior of the house, before Fall really sets in.” Eliza smirked. “The paint’s ordered at the store, so you can take the truck and pick it up after breakfast.”

Alex rolled her eyes and gave her a mock salute before returning to trying very hard not to burn the eggs. It was one of the few things she could actually cook, but it still took all her concentration.

She would never say anything, but was actually kind of grateful to have something physical do that would keep her busy without needing to think. She just hoped she didn’t have any incidents up a ladder. The thought made her feel slightly queasy and she shrugged it off, concentrating on piling toast into the rack instead. 

Alex drove her mother's truck as if her mother was driving, with an abundance of caution, aware that she might not technically be under the legal limit after her self administered sedative the previous night. But she made it back without any problems, loaded up with paint and brushes. She wondered just how big this job was, given the rather worrying number of large cans of paint in the order she was collecting. The answer to that question was that it was big enough to fill at least a week, around her sessions with Kelly when she was back, and the light starting to fade early.

The first day had brought a great sense of relief when there was no sign of any incidents and she felt confident leaving the bourbon safety tucked in her drawer as the nightmares were mostly manageable, the effects somewhat reduced by her early waking. 

She’d also felt able to tackle the texts she had been ignoring during the stress of the last few days and interspersed her painting with exchanging the odd message with Kara - whose messages mostly definitely suited that description, as they were mostly emojis, which made her laugh, given her sister was supposed to the writer of the family. Lucy sent check in texts, but now her official duties were temporarily on hold, they were mostly back to ribbing her about the work her mother was giving her and how they were more suited to a grunt on boot camp duties than a black ops team member. It made her feel less of a basket case on medical leave and more like she was still part of something and that this was just a bump in the road.

Lena’s texts had grown from chess moves every couple of days to an ongoing long form conversation, which Alex found making her smile more often, much to her mother’s gentle teasing, which made her feel like a teenager with a crush again.

It was ok and she felt a little less off balance with the world, even if her footing was still a little shaky. 

The following Friday she got a text that made her almost drop the phone in the tray of paint she was about to clean, almost done for the day.

**Lena:** Can I see you?

**Alex:** When did you have in mind? Am still on painting duties

**Lena:** Look up

Alex looked up from her phone just as a very shiny brand new black SUV pulled up the drive, Lena behind the wheel, eyes hidden by her shades. She felt her jaw fall comically open and then slam shut in horror as she realised she was still in paint splattered overalls. She was frozen in place, phone still in her hands as Lena climbed out of her car and walked towards her.

She was dressed in lace up boots, dark skinny jeans, a deeply coloured sweater and an expensive looking leather jacket. Her ebony hair was loose around her shoulders, contrasting with her pale complexion.

Alex felt like she had been punched in the gut, her breath left her body so fast. Lena was not only here, at her family home in Midvale, but she was more stunning than she ever remembered, her attractiveness enhanced somehow by the casualness of her clothes.

For the first time since returning home, all Alex saw looking at her was the woman she had fallen in love with, not all the horrors that had come after, and tainted whatever they were left with. 

“Hi.” She said weakly, before clearing her throat and trying again. “Lena, hi, you're...here?” She blushed furiously, knowing she sounded like a teenager with a crush, which was pretty much how she felt right then.

Lena stopped at the bottom of the porch steps and took her sunglasses off, tucking one arm down the front of her jumper. 

Alex followed the movement and swallowed, audibly.

“I wanted to see you.” She hesitated, suddenly unsure. 

“Is that ok?” The slight hint of an Irish accent betrayed her nerves and Alex was charmed and disarmed all at once.

The sight of one of the country's most powerful CEO’s hovering nervously on the steps of her family home snapped Alex back to herself and she felt herself relax slightly.

“Yes.” She said with conviction. “Come in, I’ll get cleaned up.” Alex gestured down at her overalls.

Eliza had obviously heard the car pull up and appeared at the front door.

“Lena!” She beamed and immediately jogged down the steps and enveloped the slightly surprised women in a hug.

Lena relaxed and hugged her back, smiling when they parted.

“Come on in, I’ll put the kettle on while Alex gets cleaned up.” 

The two women disappeared inside and Alex found herself standing there, still holding her phone in her hand, staring after them for several long moments, feeling somewhat shell shocked by the whole turn of events. She hastily snapped herself out of it and gathered up her painting things before rushing inside to shower and change.

Eliza insisted Lena stay for dinner and made easy conversation with the woman about various developments in bioengineering and current events in National City. It was clearly a pleasure for her to have someone else to talk to other than her currently somewhat laconic daughter. Alex was content to pick at her food and listen to the two of them talk.

“Well, you didn’t come here to talk to me.” Eliza pointedly said as they finished dinner and started to scoop up their plates.

“Alex, you are excused from dishes duties.” Her smirk made Lena chuckle. 

“Why don’t the two of you go for a walk on the beach, before it gets dark.”

Lena fidgeted with her fingers as they walked, while Alex slid her hands in the back pockets of her jeans. 

Now they were alone together they were both clearly nervous, neither knowing what to say, not having seen each for a couple of weeks and barely having spoken before that, not really since Alex’s meltdown at the DEO, but having spoken with increasing frequency by ever longer texts over recent days.

Halfway down the beach they stopped and sat on a section of wall that separated the beach from the area of the car park where boat trailers were parked in the summer season.

Alex rested her weight against her hands on the wall, either side of her legs and found Lena had done the same, their fingers almost touching.

“Do you remember our first date?” Lena said out of nowhere, a faint smile on her lips.

Alex turned to look at her and her eyebrows rose.

“That?” She huffed a small laugh. “Seriously? You are referring to that as a ‘date’?”

She straightened up and laughed softly, looking out to sea but, not really seeing the waves, but the memory of that night.

“I saw a whole different side of you that night. You convinced me to sneak you out of your own gala, when I was supposed to be on your protection detail, in case that idiot Lockwood tried anything.” She laughed again. “I still have no idea how you got on the back of my bike in that dress.” 

“It was slit quite high up the thigh.” Lena said wryly and quirked an eyebrow.

“Yes it was.” Alex grinned.

“We got a pizza and ate it sitting on your roof, looking up at the stars.” Alex sighed happily at the memory. “And you kissed me.” She twisted, resting her chin against her shoulder, looking shyly at Lena. 

“I’d wanted to kiss you for a while.” A faint blush flared along Lena’s cheeks as she returned Alex’s shy smile.

Alex looked away again, still smiling, faintly. 

“I miss you, Alex.”

The words were soft, but the reaction unexpected and explosive as Alex pushed off the wall and stood abruptly. She felt her emotions rise. Turning to face Lena, her eyes flashing, the spell of the shared remembrance broken.

“It was all bullshit, Lee.” Alex's voice flared with pain. 

“Don’t you see that? I’d had half my fucking mind wiped when we got together. So did I even know who I was? I mean, really?” She stared at Lena but didn’t give her chance to respond. 

“And then when I did know, I was lying to you and then you were lying to me and…” She trailed off, digging the heels of her hands into her eyes. 

“But you just  _ left.”  _ Lena was standing now as well, her breathing becoming ragged, her eyes filled with tears.

_ “ _ You told me to leave.” Alex’s hands fisted at her sides.

“I was angry and I didn’t know.”

“Know what?” Alex’s eyes flashed dangerously.

“About the mindwipe or that you’d told Kara to tell me.” 

"You thought I'd betrayed you."

Lena flinched at that.

“See? It was all built on sand. Shifting sands at that. How could we have any kind of relationship when we were lying to each other and you could believe that I would betray you?”

Lena stared at Alex, silent tears pouring down her face.

“And now look at me. What use am I to you now? I’m fucking broken, Lee”.

She yelled the last sentence, throwing her arms out in a wild gesture, her voice raw with emotion.

“It’s all fucking broken.” Alex’s voice was quieter again, but no less ragged.

She could feel the edges of a panic attack starting to blur her awareness, the conversation too close to those she’d endured when she was trapped in her own mind, a combination of technology and synthetic chemicals making her believe she was arguing with Lena over and over and now it was happening in real life. She pressed her hands over her eyes again and took a shuddering breath.

Lena could see Alex’s whole body starting to shake and took a tentative step towards her, trying not to startle her into bolting. 

“I’ve seen you sparing with Kara, you’re hardly broken.” Lena’s voice was calm, her attempt at humour deflating some of the emotional tension between them and taking the edge off Alex’s obviously rising anxiety.

Alex pulled her hands away from her eyes and tears streamed down her face, but she raised her eyebrows at the other woman in response.

Lena stepped closer, into Alex’s personal space, and reached out a tentative hand towards her. When Alex didn’t move, she rested the hand on her shoulder.

“As for the rest, you aren’t broken; you are healing." She emphasised the last word.

Alex looked slightly surprised and not a little confused at the unexpected turn the argument was taking.

“I’m trying.” It was little more than a mumble in response.

“And maybe we can heal.”

Lena ran her hand down Alex’s arm to her hand and gently linked their hands together.

“Expectation of betrayal has been my default setting for so long as a Luthor, but it also made me unafraid to fight for what I want. I love you Alex. I’m not ready to let you go, not after all this.” Lena’s voice was barely above a whisper, but was laced with steel.

Alex looked up sharply, her sudden movement startling Lena slightly. She stared her full in the eyes for a long moment.

“You said you love me?” Alex looked confused.

“Yes.” Lena’s voice was small, but clear.

“You...You never said that.” She paused. “Before.”

“No. But perhaps I should have tried harder to, instead of waiting for the right time and then letting everything get in the way.”

Alex didn’t reply, staring at her for long moments, lost in thought. She turned and started to walk back towards the house, her raised anxiety making her crave movement, their linked hands pulled Lena gently into step with her.

They walked in silence, the weight of their conversation between them. It was fully dark by the time they reached the house. 

“You should stay.” Alex spoke softly. “It's too late to drive home now.”

“Are you propositioning me Doctor Danvers?” Lena grinned.

Alex looked flustered for a moment and then laughed softly.

“No, the guest room is made up.”

\-----------------------

Alex woke with a gasp , sucking in ragged pants of air, as the nightmare continued to spool across her mind's eye, even as she struggled to sit up and rub her eyes, trying to force herself awake and away from it’s torment.

She threw back the covers and stood, breathing hard. She rested her hands on her hips as she tried to get her breathing under control. Pulling on a hoodie, she cracked her bedroom door open, trying not to wake the rest of the house and walked soundlessly downstairs.

Setting the coffee maker to brew, she glanced at the clock on the microwave; 4am. Not long before her new habitual rising time. Normally she would go straight for a run, but this morning the remnants of the nightmare wouldn’t let her go. She shuddered as the ghosts of images fluttered through her mind. 

Pouring a mug of coffee, Alex added honey and carried it outside to the deck and the still dark night. A cool breeze ruffled her sleep tousled hair and allowed her to breathe a little easier. Wrapping her hands around the mug she leaned against the handrail and closed her eyes, allowing the sea air to calm her mind and blow away the last wisps of her nightmare.

Alex’s eyes flew open and her head snapped round at the gentle creak of the deck next to her, betraying the presence of someone else in the early morning.

Lena had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders, her face soft with sleep and the breeze caught strands of her ruffled hair. She wore a pair of Alex’s sweatpants and her feet were stuffed into her unlaced boots.

Alex’s guarded stance immediately relaxed and she turned back to face out to sea, as Lena leaned on the wooden rail next to her. The silence stretched between them before Lena pulled the coffee mug from Alex’s hands and took a sip.

“Is that the real reason that you wanted me to sleep in the guest room? The nightmares?"

“Still a light sleeper, then?” Alex retrieved her mug as she spoke. “I’m sorry I woke you.”

Lena looked down, noticing Alex’s bare feet and thin pyjama trousers. She stretched her blanket covered arm out towards the other woman, silently offering to share her warmth. 

Alex looked hesitant, but allowed herself to be pulled against Lena and enveloped in the arm she draped round her shoulders.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.” Alex shook her head vehemently. “Thanks.”

“But I do kinda want to talk about last night…” Alex started, offering Lena her coffee mug. 

“We don't have to, if you aren’t ready.”

“No, I do... I just don’t know where to start.” Alex ran her hand through her already mussed hair.

Lena bit her lip before she spoke, her voice quiet in the dark of the early morning.

“I was terrified when J’onn called me, when he said something had happened…” She trailed off as her voice wavered.

Taking a steadying breath she continued.

“Then I saw you, laid out in the medical bay of the DEO, unconscious. I was so angry with you, until I realised I was angry most of all because you left and you didn’t fight for us. And because I nearly lost you before I could tell you that.”

She took a deep draft of coffee.

“And then I was just relieved you were home and all I could think about was how much I loved you and that I was not going to lose you again.”

“Your stubbornness is one of your best qualities.” Alex joked, overwhelmed by the admission.

They stood in silence for a few moments.

“You cut your hair.” Lena changed the subject when she spoke.

“Yeah, easier for training and combat to have it short.” 

“Can I touch it?” She bit her bottom lip, and looked at Alex shyly, from under her eyelashes. 

“Oh, you’ve been dying to, haven’t you?” Alex’s eyes sparkled with teasing, even in the darkness of the morning, at the look on Lena’s face.

Lena placed the coffee mug down on the rail and turned to face Alex, who mirrored her movement. Lena reached up and gently ran the tips of her fingers along the shaved sides of the taller woman's head. When she reached the back, she splayed her fingers, pulling Alex to her and kissed her, gently at first, but pressing her body fully against Alex’s when she responded. It became desperate and urgent and left Alex breathless when they parted.

“I loved you, you know.” Alex said, breathing heavily. 

She stared down at Lena, her eyes filling with tears. “I wanted to tell you, that night.” She sighed. “But then we fought and…” Her voice trailed off and she stared at the deck.

Lena touched her chin and gently raised it so their eyes met.

“Do you still?” She surprised herself with how steady her voice sounded.

“Yes.” The word was barely more than a breath, but she held Lena’s gaze.

“Despite everything that has happened, the one thing I know to be absolutely, completely real is that I love you Lena. It wouldn’t have hurt so damn much if I didn’t.” She huffed a bitter laugh.

Lena reached out and wrapped her arms around Alex’s neck, resting her forehead against her shoulder.

“If we still love each other, that’s a place to start.” She murmured against Alex’s shoulder.

“But can we start again, after all this.” Alex sounded desperate.

“Do you want to?”

Alex was silent for a moment, before she wrapped her arms around Lena and pulled her tight.

“Yes.” She rested her cheek against the top of Lena’s head and sighed softly. 

Dawn was slowly starting to bleed across the waves towards them, as they stood there, In the faint light, wrapped in each other's arms for long moments.

“We still need to have a conversation.” Alex said eventually.

“Yes we do.” Lena agreed firmly as she reluctantly pulled away. “Probably more than one and probably at least one with your very smart therapist involved too.”

Lena slid her hand into Alex’s and gently pulled her back toward the warmth of the house. 

“Why do you think she is so smart?”

“Because she came out of a meeting with Kara, Lucy and Eliza when you got back and the first thing she said to me was ‘Glasses? Really?’” Lena sounded thoroughly embarrassed.

Alex laughed at the blush slowly colouring the other woman’s face.

“You can make me breakfast, if you are going to laugh at me.” Lena mock scowled.

It was fully light by the time Eliza appeared, just as the second pot of coffee was finishing brewing, Alex noted wryly, as she beat pancake batter.

Lena was sitting at the table, her back to the door, when Eliza  walked in and  raised her eyebrows at her daughter in a silent question, over the back of  Lena’s head.

Alex looked flustered and blushed.

“Lena stayed in the guest room last night. It was too late for her to drive back in the dark” 

Eliza grinned at her and mumbled about “the lady protesting too much” as she maneuvered round her to get to the coffee pot. 

“I’m making her breakfast to apologise for waking her up.”

“Did you have another nightmare?” Eliza turned to look at her daughter with concern.

“Yeah, I’m ok.” Alex sighed. “Funny how that doesn't wake you up, but you can hear the sound of the coffeemaker from a whole floor away.” She teased good-naturedly. 

Eliza grinned and squeezed her daughter in a one armed hug.

“Good morning Eliza.” Lena smiled, still looking windswept from being out on the deck.

“Good morning Lena, more coffee?” Eliza grinned back and waved the coffee pot in her direction.

“Please.” Lena held out her empty mug and smiled back as Eliza winked at her as she poured. 

Alex turned away, opening the fridge door and busying herself with getting things out to start breakfast.

It should have felt domestic and comfortable, having Lena here in her family home, being teased by her mother. It was everything she had pictured herself having with Maggie. 

The conversations with Lena had been difficult and threatened to thoroughly derail her, being so close to reliving their arguments - both real and fabricated. But they had navigated a path she had never expected and where there should have been hope she still felt a distance she couldn’t figure out how to either verbalise or begin to traverse. She felt it with everyone around her. For every step she took towards getting back to those she loved, the further away she still felt herself drifting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really excited about this chapter and am keen to hear what you think about it.
> 
> You can also talk to me on Tumblr @ jellybabykid


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The look on Eliza’s face when she saw her daughter back in uniform was enough to rock Alex back on her heels. It was a look of absolute thunder.
> 
> “You’re going back.” It was a statement, not a question. 
> 
> Alex at least had the sense to look sheepish.
> 
> “I’m just going out to the desert for a few days, to run some tests, see how I am physically.”
> 
> “Have you told Lena?”
> 
> “Not yet.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have reimagined the DEO desert base from it’s underground bunkers of Season 1 to be more like a temporary military desert base. Something like a forward operating base; fairly basic and made up of mostly temporary buildings, tents and converted shipping containers.

[ **_"Easier To Run" - Linkin Park_ ** **** ](https://youtu.be/Ou_aTbmz7zY)

_ Pretending I don't feel misplaced _

_ Is so much simpler than change _

_ It's easier to run _

_ Replacing this pain with something numb _

_ It's so much easier to go _

_ Than face all this pain here all alone _

_ Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past _

_ Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have _

_ Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back _

_ And never moving forward so there'd never be a past _

It was two days after Lena’s visit that the next incident arrived, completely without warning. The first tendrils of fear encircling her mind before she was even aware of it. By the time she was, it was already fully manifest. A cacophony of images and emotions cascading over and though her until she was there, then. It left her panting, terrified and filled with impotent rage. She felt a helpless victim of whatever was happening to her; unable to impact it in any way.

She had no concept of how long she was gone for, but was grateful that it hadn’t hit while she was up a ladder, paintbrush in hand. As it was she was alone on the beach, and had been attempting to meditate. 

It was a blustery day, the wind whipping up the surf so that no one heard her yelling obscenities into the waves, bellowing out her rage and frustration in a stream of swear words, fists clenched at her sides, tendons straining in her neck as she screamed. 

Pulling herself to her feet, she trudged back along the sand, wishing she had something to punch and take her anger out on, some practical action she could take, instead of this feeling of powerlessness.

It was a relief to find Eliza wasn’t home when she got back to the house. Heading to her room she locked the door and pulled the bottle of bourbon out of the drawer, where she’d stashed after the last series of incidents. Sinking to the floor, knees bent, back against the bed, she drank straight from the bottle. Taking her phone out of her pocket, intending to put some music on, she noticed an unread text. Pleased to have a distraction, she tapped on the message icon.

**Lucy Lane:** Hey. How are you doing?

**Alex Danvers:** Are you asking as my CO or my friend?

This had actually become their standard greeting by now.

**Lucy Lane:** Your friend. You are officially on medical leave.

**Alex Danvers:** Well, as a friend therapy sucks and mindfulness is no substitute for giving some bad guy the asskicking they deserve and a beer with a friend. 

**Lucy Lane:** Hang in there. Beers on me next time you are in town. Am back in the desert if you fancy your chances on the range. I guess you’d kick my ass on the obstacle course now.

**Alex Danvers:** Now? Always did ;)

**Lucy Lane:** Easy to talk a good game out there in the boonies, Danvers.

Alex smirked in spite of herself and pocketed her phone. She briefly wished she was back out in the desert with Lucy again, heading off to take her frustrations out on some seriously deserving alien threat.

She felt grateful for Lucy’s text and the distraction it afforded. It was good to be back to bantering again, instead of her having to be the concerned CO.

It had been an uneasy line while they worked together, as they were technically the same rank, both directors of their respective DEO sites, but her transfer to Special Projects meant that she was reporting to the Major. Their ranks had put them outside the rest of their team and meant they ended up out hanging out together in their off hours.

Alex was always amused by that, given one of their first meetings had been when Lucy had arrested her during the Cadmus mess. Instead of being a source of tension between them, it had been a constant cause of ribbing by Lucy which ignited Alex’s competitive spirit when she started training with the woman. They fell into an easy camaraderie, going for beers after missions and pushing each other through early morning training sessions, despite their hangovers, to inspire their teams to try and keep up.

Alex often wondered that if she hadn’t been hurting over Lena if the line might have blurred further from colleagues into more than just friends.

The sound of Eliza arriving home shook Alex from her thoughts and she returned the bourbon to it’s drawer and went in search of some mouthwash before heading downstairs to help her mother with dinner. The combination of Lucy’s text and the alcohol having settled her jangled nerves enough to allow her to function almost normally.

\---------------------------

It was late, the house quiet and dark. Unlike the city, there was little ambient light, being so close to the sea.

The only sound came from the shush of the waves on the shore and the faint rhythmic hiss of bass, bleeding from the earbuds plugged into her ears, as Alex lay on the bed, her eyes closed, but still awake.

The phone buzzed gently against her chest where it lay, cutting the music off, as it rang. Reaching up she prodded the answer button without opening her eyes.

“Hey you.” The voice was barely a whisper in her ears, the faint Irish lilt speaking of the owner’s tiredness.

“Hi.” 

“Why are meetings such hard work and yet achieve so little?” 

There were two faint thumps as a pair of high heels hit the floor.

“Are you still at the office?” Alex opened one eye and squinted at the phone “It’s 1am”

“And it’s 6pm in Japan. Anyway, tell me about your day” 

Alex sighed. How could she explain the incident on the beach? The rage she felt at her helplessness in the face of their return.

“That good, huh?” Lena sighed into her ears, via her headphones.

Despite the intimacy of it, Alex felt like she was a living embodiment of Zeno’s paradox and that Lena was the tortoise; no matter how hard she tried to get back to her, it felt like Lena kept moving further away. It was painfully ironic that the woman herself would have appreciated the analogy. Unable to voice her fears, Alex settled for a partial truth. 

“Meditating on the beach isn’t like it sounds in the brochure”

Lena huffed a gentle laugh.

“I finished painting the house. Mom has got to run out of jobs for me soon. I cleaned the gutters before I started the decorating. I think she’s eyeing roof tiles next.”

“Be careful Alex.”

Alex was silent, unable to promise anything.

“I’m gonna head home now and pretend to sleep for a bit. Talk soon?”

“I’d like that.” 

That at least was the truth, even if it was becoming harder, with so much she couldn’t figure out how to say.

The music resumed as the call ended and at some point Alex fell asleep. 

\----------------------------

It was an early morning some days later when it became apparent that the decision had already been made. It had taken a lot of bourbon to get to sleep the previous night and an unusually vivid nightmare had woken her long before it was light, leaving her sweating and breathless, tangled messily in the sheets and exhausted. Running hard along the road in the dark, her texts with Lucy from the previous evening ricocheted round her mind. They were pretty much on the same theme as they had been for the past few weeks; Lucy vexing her about being her mother’s skivvy and how much she was looking forward to testing out Alex’s enhanced abilities as soon as she got back to the base. 

The absolute certainty that she’d be back was a rare rock of stability in the current storm of circumstances in which she found herself. That’s when she realised that her subconscious mind had already made the decision and was just waiting for her conscious brain to catch up. Going back to the desert, even for a few days seemed, ironically, like an idyllic oasis of calm. She could drop the facade that she was working harder and harder to keep in place for everyone else that everything was fine and she was getting better. 

Therapy was getting more and more difficult as it became impossible to untangle the mess of thoughts in her head, filling it to what felt like bursting point, but nothing she could put into words and explain to anyone else. The incidents and nightmares chased each other through days waxing and waning and tossing her about like a dog’s chew toy. Which was pretty much how she felt; chewed up and spat out by it all.

It wouldn't be easy being around Lucy as her commanding officer, given how intense she was about getting Alex back to finish her secondment - something she had always made clear she hoped Alex would make a permanent move and maybe even transfer fully to the military. But she could easily front it out with Lucy, as her friend, as she was so keen to see Alex as moving forward. Maybe being back on base and around the rest of the unit would help clear some of the cobwebs. What she needed was action and a bit of service routine and normality. Not this bloody sitting around navel gazing. 

She was packing as soon as she got back from her run, before she’d even showered. Once packed, mostly the work of a few minutes, she texted Lucy to tell her she was coming before showering and dressing in her fatigues. It was telling that she’d kept her boots shined and weird that her uniform smelled of the softener her mother used and not the base laundry. Dog tags were the last thing to go on, something she hadn’t worn while undercover, for obvious reasons, but wearing them again felt like a statement. She was Agent Danvers again. The identity was as well worn and comfortable as her bike jacket. It felt like she could breathe again, instead of trying to be something she wasn’t.

Coming downstairs she dropped her bag by the kitchen door. For the first time since she had been home her mother was first in the kitchen and had put the coffee on. 

She turned, a mug of coffee cradled in her hands, having heard the gentle thump of Alex’s bag hitting the ground, but not the silent approach afforded by her combat boots.

The look on her face when she saw her daughter back in uniform was enough to rock Alex back on her heels. It was a look of absolute thunder.

“You’re going back.” It was a statement, not a question. It was pointless arguing with Alex when her mind was made up. 

Alex at least had the sense to look sheepish.

“I’m just going out to the desert for a few days, to run some tests, see how I am physically.”

Eliza said nothing, but turned and poured a mug of coffee for her. She slammed it down on the table so hard it sloshed over the side, creating a puddle underneath.

“Have you told Lena?”

“Not yet.” 

Alex busied herself with getting some paper towels and clearing up the spilled coffee, studiously avoiding looking at her mother.

“But you've told Lucy.” Another statement.

Alex said nothing.

“She's the devil on your shoulder Alex, and you sure as hell don’t need any encouragement.” 

“It’s only for a few days, just to do some assessments.”

“So you said. I’m not sure who you think you’re trying to convince.”

Breakfast had been a silent affair after that, but once they had done the dishes, Eliza walked Alex out to her bike.

“Tell Lena.”

“I will.” 

“She loves you, you know” 

“I know” Alex mumbled, fidgeting with the chinstrap of her helmet to avoid meeting her mother’s eyes.

“And I know you love her.” Alex flushed and rubbed the back of her neck, staring down the driveway.

“I know you still feel lost Alex.” 

Alex’s eyes snapped up at that, staring her mother directly in the eye for long moments, wondering just how much she understood what was going on for her. How could she though, when she didn’t understand it herself?

Eliza put her hands on her daughter’s shoulders and squeezed. “Just... please don’t disappear again.”

Alex wrapped her arms around her mother and hugged her tight, evading any attempt at an answer she didn’t have.

Pulling her helmet on she slung her bag over her shoulders and onto her back, started her bike and climbed on.

She gave her mother a weak smile, slammed her visor closed and headed down the driveway. 

Eliza watched her go, remaining long after she had disappeared out onto the road, lost in her thoughts.

Alex loved being on her bike, it was convenient in the city, but out on the open road she felt free, the wind rushing past, nothing between her and the world around her.

Never one for speed limits at the best of times, she opened the engine up, feeling at last as if she were rushing towards something and eager to get there. The miles flew past and before she knew it she was weaving through traffic heading to the centre of the city. The thought had been creeping up on her as she got closer that she should stop and see Lena and tell her in person that she was leaving. She persuaded herself that it was only for a few days and she was probably in meetings, so it wouldn’t be fair to disturb her.

Kara might even be in the DEO so she could tell her in person, was the reason she gave herself for not going to see her sister, even though she knew it was a thin excuse.

Given it really would only be a few days, she pulled into the DEO underground garage and parked up her bike, rather than going back to the facility she had previously used. She secured her helmet to the handlebars.

Before she entered the DEO proper she paused in a quiet corridor and pulled out her phone. Scrolling to her text chat with Lena she typed out the same words she had used to her mother, mere hours before.

**Alex:** Going out to the desert for a few days, just a few tests, see how I am physically x 

The weight of things she hadn’t said, and probably should have, sat heavily with her. No “I love you” or “Be back soon” or even “See you soon”. 

Sending the same message to Kara and then turning her phone off felt a little cowardly, but she justified it by not being able to leave it switched on to go through the portal.

The solo teleport pod was in a classified and out of the way section of the DEO, which made dodging J’onn and Kelly fairly easy. A slight niggle crossed her mind as to why, if there was nothing wrong in what she was doing, she would be avoiding both her friend and her therapist. The thought was fairly easily stuffed in a mental box and firmly squashed.

By late morning she was stepping out of the teleport and onto the desert base. Having texted Lucy, she was expected, so there was no nasty welcome of armed soldiers, just Vasquez, Lucy’s adjunct, waiting to meet her. The Major being tied up in a meeting she had been unable to duck as base commander, just to see her friend.

“Good to have you back Ma’am.” The woman gave her a respectful nod. 

Alex nodded in return, not even bothering to repeat her qualifier to everyone else that it was just a short visit. 

Vasquez escorted her as far as the base security office to get officially signed back onto the base and then left her to get settled in while she went back to Lucy’s meeting.

The room looked exactly as it had when she had first arrived, a narrow bunk with a mattress and pillow - she would need to get sheets from the quartermaster. A dented locker, standard issue chair and desk, with a small desk lamp. The walls and floor were plywood, a rough lining to the shipping container that the bunk rooms were built from, for ease of transport. Bases could be rapidly packed and moved to wherever they needed to be deployed. Much like their occupants.

It was a weird feeling, being back. It felt more like coming home than being in Midvale, but also transient, that this was only a temporary posting, and she could be sent anywhere else at a moment's notice. The sparse room would be occupied by another ranking officer. It would also be reassigned if she left the teams. Or in the more permanent circumstances of her death in the line of duty. A thought that always crossed her mind when she took over a new bunk; what had happened to the previous occupant?

The impermanence of it echoed her own disequilibrium, the restlessness she had felt since Kara’s arrival as a teenager and then her father’s disappearance. The confluence of both had unmoored her. The inner stability she had once felt had been impossible to reclaim, something she realised now that she had been chasing her whole life. 

Being part of the DEO, and the Black Ops teams especially, gave her purpose, a sense of belonging, however fleeting. It clashed discordantly with what was back in Midvale with her mother or National City with her sister. With Lena. 

Despite the huge strides she had made finding her way back to both of the latter relationships they still felt precarious, fragile, having seen how quickly they had both been shattered. 

Being here felt dependable, solid. Reassuringly familiar. She knew who she was here. Mostly. 

She unpacked her duffle, squaring her kit away, and headed to the quartermaster’s office where she was issued with sheets, fatigues to wear on base - no street clothes here, PT kit, and an encrypted mobile to use while she was back. This came with the obligatory exhortation that it was to be kept on and on her person at all times in case of an alert. The phone she had been issued with by Lucy was now stowed in her locker, back in her room. 

Next came the armoury to draw a sidearm. Also a standard item of kit to be carried at all times. A stark reminder that this was an active military site and for all her protests, this wasn't just a training facility. The pistol, in true military fashion, came supplied with a cleaning kit. 

The routine of making up her quarters to inspection standard, cleaning her gun and filling the magazines - one and a spare - felt comforting in its familiarity.

Once the basic chores were complete it was lunchtime and Alex headed for the mess. 

A feeling of nervousness shivered through her as she pulled open the mess hall door. It had been months she had had to be rescued by these people and it elicited a feeling of vulnerability. Would they still accept her as a member of their team, having seen her broken and assailable? 

Before she was even fully through the door she heard someone shout her name and the place erupted with noise, banging on tables, the thunder of feet pounding on the floor and the whole room cheering and chanting “Danvers, Danvers”. The welcome was deafening and Alex felt herself blush as all eyes in the place turned to stare at her as they cheered.

She waved her thanks, embarrassed by the vocal greeting, but also delighted to be welcomed back as a returning hero, not a broken outsider. She found herself surrounded by over a dozen people all clad in black combat gear like her - her teams - all thumping her on the back, shaking her hand and telling her how good it was to have her back.

An arm slid around her shoulders and she found herself being gently steered out of the throng and towards the food counter. Alex turned gratefully to face her rescuer. The welcome had been amazing, but also somewhat overwhelming. She found herself face to face with a beaming Lucy Lane. 

“You made it!” Lucy reluctantly released Alex from the one armed hug she’d used to steer her out of the group welcome.

“You doubted me?”

Lucy studied Alex briefly before replying.

“You’ve had a lot going on, I wasn't sure you were up for this.”

Alex found the words she had used to everyone else tumbling out of her mouth once more but this time she heard how hollow they really were. “It’s just for a couple of days, just a bit of training, it's not like I’m properly back, right?”

“Yeah, course.” Lucy’s smile waned and no longer reached her eyes.

“Let’s get some lunch and sort out where to start.”

\---------------------------------

“Fuck, Danvers - that’s a new base record.” Lucy lowered the binoculars and shaded her eyes with her hand, staring down the range.

Alex pulled the bolt back on her rifle and shuffled backwards in the sand until she was kneeling.

“If you can shoot like that, I can’t wait to see what you make of the assault course.” 

“Ready when you are.” Alex grinned up at her, shielding her eyes from the afternoon sun. 

“But you are running it with me. Desk jockey.”

“Bring it on, Danvers, bring it on.” Lucy reached a hand down and pulled Alex to her feet.

They grinned at each other for a moment, sharing a thought that it was good to be back, before Alex bent and scooped up her rifle. 

“I’ll take this back to the armoury and meet you on the startline in ten. Bring your A game, Alpha One.” Alex’s tone was sing-song and mocking, using Lucy’s field call sign.

“Oh it is on, Alpha Two.” Lucy grinned back. 

Lucy was not grinning half an hour later. She was bent double, hands on her thighs gulping in ragged breaths. 

“I take it back.” Lucy gasped between wheezing breaths. “It is terrible to have you back. I do not want you to do any more tests...” Her voice trailed off as she panted.

Alex laughed, hands on her hips, the only evidence of her exertion her thoroughly messed up fatigues - wet up to the knees and plastered with desert sand.

“You’re out of shape, Alpha One.”

Lucy glowered at her from her damp fringe.

“Start coming for a run with me in the mornings, I’ll get you field ready again. All that desk driving.”

“And how will you ever know if I am field ready if you aren't back out there.” She huffed, straightening up.

“Anyway, not so much desk work while you have been out - I have been back out there.” She grinned, wolfishly, clearly relishing being more actively involved.

Alex frowned at her.

“You should try it, while you're here. Just one mission. A training run, just to prove to yourself that you aren’t made of glass.”

Alex stuffed her hands in her pockets and started walking back towards the main base. Lucy jogged to catch up with her. 

“Hey, it’s too soon, it’s fine, I get it, I was just thinking out loud.”

“I’m not cleared for active duty.” Alex replied finally in a small voice.

“That’s ok, I know the base commander.” Lucy laughed and cuffed Alex lightly on the shoulder.

“Let’s start with a run in the morning, first.”

“Sure. How about a beer though, eh? I seriously need one after that.”

“You seriously need some training.” Alex laughed. “But yeah, I could use a beer.” 

Alex knocked on the door of Lucy’s bunk room later that evening, showered and in fresh fatigue pants and a black DEO tee shirt. Desert dust from the assault course removed from everything, even if it took two polishes to get it off her boots. It seemed to weld itself to them, courtesy of the water dip halfway through the course.

Lucy’s room shared the other half of the shipping container to her own, with the doors at opposite ends to each other. Two rough wooden steps led up to them, and Alex scuffed up them to knock, waiting for Lucy’s distracted “Yeah” in response, before stepping inside.

The room was identical in layout to her own, but showed the signs of Lucy’s more extended stay; half a dozen books were lined up along the back of the desk, against the locker, which had photos stuck down the side of it. Alex spotted a copy of the one on her phone of the two of them from her first run over the assault course, when she had first arrived at the desert base. 

Various files were scattered across the desk and the chair was piled with various discarded pieces of uniform, some of which also hung from the open locker door. One perk of being the commander of the base was the occasional extra luxury, which in this case was a small, but full drinks fridge at the end of the bed.

Lucy was leaning an elbow on the top of it, an open bottle of beer sitting next to her, as she sat on the end of the bed. Her back rested against the wall, knees drawn up, with an open file propped on them. She frowned, engrossed in it’s contents as Alex let herself in and helped herself to a beer from the fridge. She scooped the clothes off the chair and dumped them in the bottom of the locker before dropping heavily into the desk chair and taking a long swig from the bottle.

“So much for getting away from desk work.”

“Huh?” Lucy looked up, distracted, before closing the file and dropping it on the bed next to her.

“Just some stuff I need to keep up with.” She smiled and scooped up her own beer, taking a swig.

“So, how’s the first day back been?”

“Well I kicked the base commander’s ass on the rifle range _and_ the assault course so, you know, good start. Or maybe standards have slipped in my absence.”

“Oh, yeah. Ok, you laugh now. You’ve been sparring with your sister. Wait until you have someone with serious training - we’ll get you drilling with the teams tomorrow. Then we’ll see who’s standards have slipped.”

Alex could feel herself almost relax as she and Lucy teased each other. It was easy to sit up half the night just chatting about nothing consequential over a few beers, and maybe a scotch or two. It felt familiar at least, and that she could deal with.

Which was also how the hangover felt the next morning as she dragged herself out of her bunk and into her running gear. 

The sun was only just beginning to graze the horizon as she started her warm up. It was several minutes before Lucy appeared from her room, looking somewhat jaded, with a baseball cap, emblazoned with ARMY in large letters, pulled low over her eyes.

“Again, I take it back, I did not miss you, I absolutely did not miss our runs before it’s even fucking light.”

“Gotta set the standard, Alpha One.”

“Oh, fuck off Danvers. I have not had enough coffee for your shit.”

“And yet you can give it out.”

Lucy shoved Alex and they were both laughing by the time they started their run. Alex set a calmer pace than she had been running on her own, in deference to Lucy not sharing her enhanced metabolism. The older woman was still panting heavily though by the time they returned to their bunk rooms. Alex left her to recover, with an earful of playful insults, and ran off for an extra lap of the base at her faster pace. 

After breakfast Lucy headed off to the command centre to deal with her administrative duties and Alex reported to the Master Chief for her physical assessments. The DEO desert base was something of a hybrid between the government agency and the Military, with personnel seconded from both. Training was provided by a former SEAL Team member, due to the nature of the work the teams undertook, more specialist skills and tactics were required. The fitness tests were of a necessarily high level, which was why Alex had spent the first chunk of her secondment undergoing additional gruelling training.

She was confident that the amount of training she had been doing since taking the Harun El serum would stand her in good stead for the basic tests, but it had been a while since she had done any serious hand to hand combat and between that and the random reappearance of her incidents she found herself on edge as she she approached the training ground. 

Master Chief Hayes was waiting for her, at the edge of what was basically a cleared patch of ground, clipboard and stopwatch in hand when she arrived dressed in boots, fatigue pants and a DEO tee shirt, as required. 

He was a man of few words and Alex knew what was expected of her as they exchanged nods and she dropped to the ground in a push-up start position.

Hayes shouted “Go.” and started the timer.

The standard required was the same as for SEAL entrance qualifications and the bare minimum to meet them would not do - the expectation was to exceed. 

With a two minute rest in between Alex bashed out 120 repetitions each of push ups and sit ups in the two minutes allowed for each followed by 25 pull ups. Next was a 1.5mile run. Despite her early morning run with Lucy, Alex still achieved it in 8 minutes.

She was grinning as Hayes told her her scores, he grunted with respect - her scores would do any Special Operator proud and put her in the top of the training class.

The grin soon vanished when the twelve members of the base’s two black ops teams arrived for hand to hand combat assessment. There were normally six per squad with two reserves, but Lucy was clearly still tied up elsewhere and Alex was surprised that her own spot hadn’t been replaced. With no additional personnel Alex realised that Lucy must have been continuing to lead the squad in the field in her absence. So much for her teasing about the woman being a desk jockey.

The group formed a circle around her and Master Chief Hayes stepped into it, planning to be her first opponent.

She dropped into a guard stance, legs bent, left leg and right arms forward, fists raised. They circled each other for several moments before Alex broke the tension and snapped out a fast roundhouse kick. She realised she must have telegraphed the move as Hayes caught her foot and dumped her on her ass. Regaining her footing, she frowned in concentration and resumed her stance.

Hayes feigned a punch which she fell for, dropping her guard and getting caught in the ribs with the follow up. They sparred for several minutes, sizing each other up, while Alex missed every shot she took and getting caught with almost all of Hayes. 

It had been long months since she had sparred with anyone and even then it had been with her sister, who was no match tactically for a highly trained specialist operator.

The Harun El and endless hours of training had helped her build muscle and strength, but she had no understanding of how to use her increased power, despite the cognitive enhancements and felt off balance and slow. She stayed loose and bounced on the balls of her feet, watching and judging before attacking. Gradually she felt her muscle memory for the movements, responses and tactics return and her blows started to land and fewer of Hayes’ landed with her. 

After a particularly loud grunt of pain from the instructor as a punch found its mark, he gestured to another member of the team to join and she found herself watching and responding to two opponents, and then a third. 

It became like a dance; duck, punch, bob, kick, weave, punch-kick. She was gradually gaining the upper hand as more of the team joined and she found herself facing a rotating barrage of blows from multiple opponents. Defend, duck, attack, block...it became a flow of one movement to the next. There was no conscious thought or decision making; just reflex and response. 

Several of the team were on the floor and Alex was pouring sweat and bleeding from several wounds by the time Hayes called time out, but despite it all she hadn’t been knocked down once after her initial indignity.

Laughing, she bent at the waist, resting her hands on her knees as she sucked in deep breaths.

Looking up she caught sight of Lucy, standing back from it all, watching, her arms folded. Lucy noticed her look and grinned at her.

Hayes thrust a water bottle at her and she stood, taking great, greedy gulps. Replacing the top he looked at her and nodded.

“You’ll do.”

That made Alex laugh even harder as he clapped her hard on the shoulder. From a notoriously laconic man, that was high praise indeed.

“Range next.”

He turned and headed off across the base.

Alex winked at Lucy, wiped blood off her forehead with the shoulder of her tee shirt and jogged after him.

The pistol and rifle ranges had been a mere formality. The previous day’s practice had allowed her to get her eye in again and muscle memory did the rest, acing both tests. 

Alex decided Hayes was just being an ornery bastard and making a point when he declared her record-shattering assault course time a fluke and made her do it again to prove it wasn’t. The fact that she completed it in a fractionally faster time on the second run through finally earned his grudging respect and a mumbled comment that “She’d better be planning on putting this level of fitness to good use and not wasting it pushing papers.” Before declaring her physically fit for duty and dismissing her for the day. 

It was almost dark by the time she had showered and changed. When she couldn’t find Lucy in the command centre or mess hall she grabbed a brown bag full of burgers from the food queue and headed for the sleeping quarters corner of the base.

Lucy didn’t even hear the knock or look up at Alex’s entrance to her room until she dumped the bag on top of the fridge Lucy was using as a makeshift desk and grabbed a couple of beers from the fridge. She opened one and clinked it down next to the file Lucy was engrossed in, before emptying half of her own in one gulp. Rummaging in the bag she pulled out a burger. Carrying it and her beer over to the desk she sat down and started to eat.

“I am starving. Hayes didn’t even stop for lunch.” She grumbled round a mouthful of food.

Lucy finally dragged her eyes from the file and noticed the food and drink Alex had placed in front of her.

“Oh, wow. Thanks, I totally lost track of time.” She gestured at the pile of files scattered across the bed and dug into the bag of food.

“So, how did you get on?” 

“Fit for duty and under orders not waste it pushing paper.” Alex winced internally, dismissing the differences between physically fit and either medically or psychologically fit as mere technicalities.

Lucy mock glowered at her over her beer bottle.

“Yeah? We have teams combat training in the morning for _all_ of us and I’ll show you a woman who can do both.” 

“Oh yeah? I saw you standing on the sidelines today and after those pitiful runs the last two mornings…” Alex scoffed and swigged her beer.

“Oh you talk a good game, Danvers..” 

Alex just laughed and reached for another burger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Avoidance is a terrible coping strategy, but it's Alex's comfort zone...
> 
> You can check out some of Alex’s playlist here:  
> https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEDB0oVj5kIhSeanR0krRCSvFbLGYarBp
> 
> Thoughts and suggestions welcome.
> 
> You can talk to me on Tumblr @ jellybabykid


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Yeah, well imagine how Smith feels. You shattered his sternum. He ain't gonna be rolling out with us anytime soon.” Lucy sighed and swigged her beer.
> 
> “Sorry. That leaves you one short. Can you pull from the trainees?”
> 
> “Yeah, I’ll find someone. Unless you fancy stepping back in? Just the once, see how it feels. Now you know you aren’t made of glass.” She eyed Alex carefully over the rim of her beer bottle.

Alex was beginning to think Lucy’s performance on their morning runs had been a ruse to lull her into a false sense of security.

All fourteen members of the DEO black ops team were present on the training ground the following morning. They were currently paired off for hand to hand sparring practice. The members of the team Alex had knocked down the previous day were giving her a wide berth, but it was a moot point as Lucy had insisted on partnering up with her. And Alex was beginning to understand why. The previous day’s assessments had thrown her back in and given her a chance to find her feet with her new abilities, but she had been training solo on heavy bags and was definitely out of practice. And Lucy clearly wasn’t. Alex was still on her feet, but starting to understand how Kara felt when they sparred, barely blocking the blows raining down on her and taking a serious pummelling, to Lucy’s obvious glee.

As the morning progressed they swapped partners repeatedly and she started to find some kind of rhythm and began to gain ground as she processed the various fighting styles and techniques at an accelerated rate. It was exhilarating and entirely absorbing, leaving no room for worry, fear or any of the doubts that had been plaguing her for months. She felt free and almost as if she belonged. Almost.

And then it happened, they were doing timed rounds, and Alex heard the click of the stopwatch. It sounded exactly like a broken clock, stuck in a frozen minute. Immediately she was yanked out of the moment and heat flared across her skin, she lost all sense of her immediate surroundings and that dank, dark basement started to bleed in around her. She could feel panic rising within her, clutching at her guts, crawling up her throat. And then a sickening crunch, her head whipped round with the force of the blow, and she was sprawled on the ground.

She gasped in a deep breath and reality swam back into focus around her. Without thinking she was upright in seconds, her foot extended, the whole of her weight behind the kick as it connected to her partner’s ribs and he was launched across the training ground, landing in a heap over six feet away. Alex pulled back into a guard stance, panting heavily, blood pouring from her nose.

Silence stretched for long minutes before Hayes’ voice boomed out across the base “MEDIC” and there was a flurry of movement as several of the group ran over to their fallen comrade who wasn’t moving. 

\---------------------------- 

Alex gingerly pinched the bridge of her nose. There wasn’t a muscle in her body that didn’t ache, a bone that didn’t feel jarred or bruised.

“Got any painkillers?”

“Top shelf of my locker.”

Alex tugged the slightly loose door open and rummaged past bottles of shampoo and deodorant before finding the plastic tub. It was a prescription bottle, not the aspirin she had expected, she checked the label, Tramadol 50mg, L. Lane, before shaking two capsules into her palm. She tossed them into her mouth and washed them down with a swig of her beer. 

“Thanks.” She replaced the tub and closed the door, slumping back in the desk chair with a groan. “I’d almost forgotten what getting my ass handed to me felt like.”

Lucy looked at her and laughed loudly.

“Enhanced strength not always the answer then?” She teased.

Alex glowered at her and winced at the movement.

“Yeah, well imagine how Smith feels. You shattered his sternum. He ain't gonna be rolling out with us anytime soon.” 

Lucy sighed and swigged her beer.

“Shit. Sorry. That leaves you one short. You haven't got anything coming up have you? Can you pull from the trainees?”

“Yeah, I’ll find someone.” She hesitated. 

“ Unless you fancy stepping back in? Just the once, see how it feels. Now you know you aren’t made of glass.” She eyed Alex carefully over the rim of her beer bottle.

“How come you never replaced me?” Alex looked away, swirling the bottom of her beer bottle in the patch of condensation it left on the desk, as she changed the subject.

“How could I replace you?” Lucy laughed, before her tone turned serious.

“I knew you’d be back. You’re a badass. This is where you belong. I figured you’d transfer over at the end of this and become Bravo Team leader. You and me, kicking ass, taking names and saving the planet from invaders.” She grinned and reached a foot off the bed to lightly kick Alex’s leg. 

“Teams for life, baby.”

“You seem to be holed up here with a lot of reading currently. What’s with all the extra paperwork?” Alex switched topics again. 

“Oh nothing much, you know, intel reports and stuff. A commander’s work is never done and all that.” She scooped all the folders on the bed into a pile and dumped them on the floor. 

Alex knew her well enough to know she was prevaricating, but left it alone knowing she was dancing around things she didn’t want to talk about either. 

Lucy leaned forward and pulled two more beers from the fridge, handing one to Alex. 

“We’re gonna run some field drills tomorrow, you up for that?” 

“Sure.” Alex swigged her beer and let Lucy steer the conversion back to neutral ground. 

\-------------------------------------

The base had a disused hanger, set up with moveable walls and an observation platform on a mezzanine floor, that was used for setting up and simulating both field operations and practicing working together as a unit.

Being both in the desert and basically a large tin shed, it was hot as hell by the end of the day, especially in full tactical gear. The day was spent in its confines running drills again and again until all the members of both teams were exhausted and running with sweat.

As the last run through finished, tempers were beginning to fray. Alex felt utterly drained from having to focus solidly all day, while running physically demanding practice exercises over and over. It had been a long time since she had needed to work as part of a team, having done the majority of her missions solo and she found she had to keep pulling her instincts back instead of racing ahead and diving in, gun and fists first.

As they swarmed out of the overheated building Alex yanked her helmet off. She took deep lungfuls of the cooling air that the rapidly falling dusk provided.

Two of the guys came out and started shoving each other. Alex knew them well and waded in grabbing each by their armour and yanking them apart.

“C’mon guys, it's been a long day, we’ve done a damn good job so let's just all play nice, yeah?”

“We’ve wasted a day playing fucking toy soldiers. We should be out there, taking action, not sitting on our hands.”

“C’mon, man.” Alex released the guy’s vest and stepped fully in front of him, looking him in the eyes.

“You know we need to practice, Quinn. We’re fucked out there if we don’t know what we’re doing. This isn’t playing and you know it. We’ll be out there soon enough. You wanna get mad at someone, get mad at me. You guys were totally slick on this stuff before I knocked Smith into the infirmary.” 

They stood staring at each other for long minutes, the whole squad watching the exchange.

Quinn shrugged, looking away before he half nodded and looked back up at Alex, meeting her eyes.

“Yeah. I guess. You damn well better be out there with us then, now we got you licked back into shape.” He guffawed loudly and shoved her playfully in the shoulder. Laughter rippled round the group and the rising tension dissipated.

Lucy took the hint and dismissed them all for the day, before the group resentments could boil over.

“We resume tomorrow, 0800 hours. Team dismissed.” 

Her voice lost its command tone when she spoke again “Everyone get some food, a beer and some fucking sleep and that's an order.”

A ragged cheer went up and they dispersed into the growing darkness of the base.

Lucy grabbed Alex’s arm, holding her back as the rest of the squad headed out of earshot.

“And that’s exactly why you would be the perfect  Bravo Team leader.”

She let her hand drop and the two of them stared at each other before Alex walked off calling over her shoulder. “I need a shower.”

“Cold one for you after chow.” Alex waved her helmet in the air behind her in acknowledgement.

“Why are you riding them so damn hard?” Alex asked later that evening, her boots resting on Lucy’s bunk, ankles crossed as she leaned back in the chair and sipped her beer.

“We’ve gotta be ready.” Lucy replied, absently, looking up from the file she had been engrossed in. 

“For what, exactly?”

“Anything.” Lucy grinned wolfishly and wiggled her eyebrows.

Alex couldn’t help but laugh.

“Actually...” Lucy started, eyeing Alex as she took a swig from her own beer. “We are going out the day after tomorrow.” She paused, waiting for Alex to say something.

When she didn’t speak, Lucy continued. 

“Wanna come?” Her eyes glittered and she had that grin again, encouraging Alex to jump.

Alex could feel the pressure of the murmuring voices in her head, whispering all the reasons she should say no, that she should turn around and leave. Head back to Midvale and all the things she had left behind, that she knew she  _ should  _ be doing. Repairing her life, her relationships, but all she could feel was the grind and the pain of it all. How hard it had become to be that person, the healthy person, the healing person. It was just too damned hard to find her way back to Lena, Kara, her mother. It would be so much easier to stay here in the desert and hide from it all just a little bit longer. 

She tried very hard not to hear them, especially the loudest one of all, that sounded very much like Eliza’s, telling her that Lucy was the Devil on her shoulder, but  leaping without looking was a habit too ingrained to break.

She spoke out loud to drown the voices out.

“Before I say yes, have you still got that bottle of bourbon?”

Lucy beamed and launched herself off the bed, enveloping Alex in a hug and nearly toppling them over backwards, as Alex had only been balanced on the back legs of the desk chair.

They flailed, both laughing.

“One mission, Lucy. One.” She tried to sound stern, but found herself returning Lucy’s smile.

As she looked in Lucy’s eyes she could see the lie in her own reflected back at her.

\-------------------------------------

As the portal flared into life, Alex felt tendrils of panic start to coil around her chest and her breathing sped up. Looking away from the blinding light that flared before it settled into a usable gate, she checked her weapon; ammo, safety and flicked the light on and off around the sighting scope, hoping the routine would calm her rising panic. Following the team through, she felt her training kick in and override everything else and the whispers of the embryonic panic attack were washed away in the surge of adrenaline of stepping into the unknown.

They came out of the portal in what looked like a warehouse. Alex almost laughed at that. Why was it always a warehouse? The team fanned out in formation, exchanging hand signals as they patrolled in silence down the shelf lined rows. Just as they had been practicing for the last two days.

It rapidly became clear that they were not alone. Alex could sense figures moving in the shadows. It wasn’t quite dark enough for night vision goggles and flicking on their rifle lights would give away their positions. Now Lucy’s endless drills made sense. They were working on muscle memory of the layout in the gloom. 

A shout went up in the distance, followed by a burst of gunfire. She knew immediately it wasn’t friendly fire, as their weapons were fitted with suppressors, to muffle the sound and provide as much stealth as possible. 

Alex moved towards the sound, crouching low, scanning around her, weapon first. Rifle butted up against her shoulder she sighted along it as she rounded the corner of the aisle and came out into what looked like a loading space, cleared of shelving, but full of lifting equipment, and pallets stacked with boxes.

A purple humanoid lay on the ground, clutching his thigh and leaking pale blood from a bullet wound as he squirmed and was obviously swearing, even if the language he was doing it in wasn't one from Earth.

Quinn stood over him, covering him with his rifle, as he zip tied his hands. He was incapacitated and no longer a threat, so Alex diverted her attention to scanning the shelves around the cleared area. 

Moving between the pallets she slung her rifle onto her back and pulled her sidearm; more suited to the close quarters she was heading into.

There were the sounds of several more engagements coming from various directions, within the warehouse, but nothing in front of her.

Her attention was dragged upwards as a door burst open at the top of a set of stairs and another purple shape rushed out, brandishing some sort of weapon. Before he could get off a shot, a weapon fired from halfway up the stairs and Alex noted that another of her team had neutralised the threat. From their practices she knew it was Lucy. She returned her focus to the darkness in front of her and eased forward, weapon raised in a two handed grip.

As she moved between two stacked pallets she saw another of the purple aliens running towards her, arms up. This one might have been unarmed but he topped six foot and his build would have made a quarterback look underdeveloped.

Alex holstered her pistol, ducked under his arms and grabbed a handful of the alien's shirt before driving her fist upwards into his face. There was a sickening and satisfying crunch as his nose shattered under the blow. She felt a surge of power and adrenaline at her increased strength, a combination of the Harun El and the endless hours she had spent in the gym. She hit him again before dropping him to the ground, incapacitated, before moving to the next target, who had appeared behind him. He looked at Alex approaching, the big guy on the ground and turned and ran.

Leaping over the prone form on the ground Alex launched herself after him, yanking her extendable baton from the equipment belt around her waist, she snapped it out as she ran. Sweeping it in arc, she took his legs out from under him. Following him down she punched him hard in the face. He was unconscious before his head hit the ground. She was pulling back to punch him again, when Lucy grabbed her arm mid swing.

“He’s down Danvers, that's the last of them. We got ‘em”

Alex stepped away from the inanimate form, breathing hard. She looked at Lucy, making her recoil at the uncontrolled rage in her eyes, before she blinked and her brown eyes cleared. 

“We got ‘em?” Alex asked.

Lucy nodded in response, slightly unnerved by what she had seen in the other woman's eyes. 

Shaking it off she replied. “Yep, we’re done.”

Alex nodded, her breathing slowly coming back to normal. 

Various other members of the squad melted out of the shadows and they did a quick head count.

“Everybody good?” Lucy looked round and was greeted by a chorus of “Yes, Ma’ams” as the squad looked around them, still watchful

“Anyone else think that was too easy?” Alex asked, looking round them, squinting at the shadows.

“You sound disappointed.” Lucy replied, laughing. 

“And that’s why we train.” Quinn’s voice called out and he roared with laughter. 

Alex flipped him off but laughed with him.

“Ok, Let’s make sure the place is fully clear and that no one knows we were ever here and then get the captives back. Debrief and beers back at base. Ok?”

A second chorus of “Yes, Ma’ams” went up as each of the team headed off to their assigned tasks.

Once back at the desert base they reassembled in the conference room, showered and changed, for a post mission debrief, headed up by Lucy.

“So, ladies and gentlemen...” She started, encouraging the group to settle down.

“That was another piece of recent intel that has panned out. We have neutralized this cell, but we know that there are more out there. There are always more out there. Hopefully we can get something out of the folks we brought back with us today - when they regain consciousness.” Lucy nodded at Alex and Quinn and there was a ragged cheer as they shared a fist bump. 

“Hopefully that will give us another rock to turn over, another door to kick and another piece of the big picture. As soon as I know, you know, so go, rest, you’ve earned it. 0800 tomorrow for training. Dismissed! 

The noise level rose to boisterous levels as the meeting broke up and various skirmish stories were exchanged and conspiracy theories traded amongst the personnel as they made their way out.

Lucy was tidying up notes and collecting her equipment when she turned and found Alex still seated at the table and staring at her, a thoughtful expression on her face.

“What?” Lucy turned to face her.

“What are they up to?” 

“Did you get thumped in the head out there while I wasn't looking and lose your hearing? Were you not listening? We don’t know.” Lucy sounded frustrated.

“It’s not your problem, Danvers. You did the one mission you agreed to. Now you know you are ok, that you’re not made of glass. You can go home to Midvale and get back to getting yourself fully fit so you can get back out here, kicking ass and taking names. We could use you, but when you're ready.”

Lucy picked up her things and walked towards the door. Alex got up slowly and followed her, deep in thought.

Lucy stopped in the doorway and turned, stopping Alex short and bringing them face to face.

She had that grin again.

“Well, unless one of today’s lucky winners gives us something actionable and you fancied another rumble…”

Alex felt a grin spread across her own face.

“That did seem too easy. Not really much of a test after all this hard work.”

“I mean since you’re already  _ here _ and all.”

“It would kinda be rude not too, since it’s my fault you are a man down.”

“And you're already getting trained up with the team again…”

Lucy draped an arm round Alex’s shoulders and steered her out of the door, both of them still grinning. 

It had been too easy after that first  [ a ](https://www.thesaurus.com/browse/acquiescence) cquiescence; she had slipped back into her routine before she had even realised. Promising herself after each time that it was the last, that she would go home and get herself sorted out. They were running sorties and intelligence gathering runs almost daily and training intensively when they weren’t out in the field. It felt good to be training with other people instead of alone in the gym, or running on the beach or the roads of Midvale. 

To have momentum and be actively doing something, rather than feeling like she was stagnating, sitting still, suffocating, trying so hard to mould herself into a new shape. It felt good to have somewhere to put all the rage she felt and couldn't understand, or explain in her sessions with Kelly. This was easy, familiar. It was an all consuming bubble of briefings, missions, training and nights of laughter and beers with Lucy and the rest of the world just dissolved and fell away. Alex began to lose track of the days and somewhere along the way she forgot to care about it.

It was another random morning, she couldn’t have told you which one, when habit dragged her out of bed as dawn was slowly starting to think about climbing over the horizon. She was up and in her running gear without even thinking about it.

Her hangover nagged at the base of her skull, somewhere below the voices at the back of her mind that reminded her that she wasn’t really supposed to still be here. She stuffed them back in their box and ignored them, as another voice, one that was gradually becoming louder niggled at her. The missions they were running, the information they were collecting seemed familiar somehow. She just couldn’t quite put the pieces together. 

It didn’t help that she was aware that Lucy was hiding something from her. She wasn’t sure what but there was something about their work that she wasn’t sharing. Given that Alex was keeping things from Lucy she didn’t feel she was really in a position to push. Especially as technically she was still her CO and could have her booted off the base.

The woman herself appeared and derailed her train of thought. 

“This is still too fucking earlier, Danvers.”

“Yeah, good morning to you too.”

“Fuck off.” Lucy grinned at her and started her warm up.

It was later that morning, but still early in the day, when Alex found herself in the command centre, seated in the briefing room, thermal mug of coffee in hand. Lucy stood at parade rest at the front of the room, waiting for the rest of the group to settle down. She could see the nervous tension in the woman’s position, something she doubted any of the others would notice, not knowing her as well as she did. It bled a sense of anticipation into the room, not felt in previous briefings and the room felt silent.

“Ladies and gentlemen. It’s been a busy few weeks, but you’ve all worked damned hard and it’s looking very much like it’s been worth it.”

A ragged half hearted cheer went up around the room.

Lucy laughed good naturedly, before continuing.

“It seems that our little outings have borne fruit; we now know that the multiple small cells we have been shutting down were each planning their own little party across various cities on Earth in a coordinated attack.” She gestured at the map projected on the wall behind her.

“We finally have the names of the top boys and girls and it turns out that they are on our patch, so to speak, as they are in National City. We are in luck as we are the closest black ops DEO teams, we have the local knowledge and we’ve got the intel.”

There was a good natured round of cheers as well as jeers and joshing from those not so local to the area. 

“There are two targets. Both domestic houses in the centre of the city. Because of the locations and being so public, we will be badged up as NCPD SWAT and our cover is that we are serving warrants on local drug gangs, so as not to scare the general populace. Because of the undercover nature of this op, local DEO will not be involved nor will Supergirl, even though it’s in her hometown. Bravo Team will take location one and Alpha Team, we have location two.” She circled the locations on the map using a laser pointer. 

She looked around at the various team members.

“We will be drilling hard on this for the next few days and heading out there at the end of the week. I know it’s been a tough run, but I need full focus on this, ok? Get it done people, we’ve almost shut this one down.”

There was a loud chorus of “Yes Ma’am” from the entire room, before chairs were scraped back and the room emptied at double time. 

Lucy wasn’t kidding. The practice runs of their planned assault on the National City targets were gruelling, run and rerun over and over until the teams knew the plan backwards and were almost at breaking point from exhaustion.

A slip from someone’s tiredness had left Alex with sutures across a forehead wound by Thursday afternoon and Lucy had dismissed them all to take a night off.

Not taking her own advice, she was sitting on her bed, surrounded by files, reading over intelligence reports and mission plans when Alex walked into her room later that evening. 

“You missed dinner again.” She held up a paper bag.

“Oh. Thanks. I didn’t even think about it.” She looked up at the clock next to her bed and then up and Alex.

“Yeah, it's too easy to lose track of time out here. With all this.” She gestured at the files spreading over the bed and spilling onto the floor. 

Dropping the bag on the top of the fridge Alex helped herself to a beer before sinking heavily into her usual seat in the desk chair. 

“I’m not even sure what day it is today.” 

Taking a pull of her beer she ran a hand over her face and winced when she touched her forehead.

“How’s the head?” Lucy looked up from the file she had returned to studying.

Alex ignored the question.

“I could help with this you know. You don’t need to do it all on your own. I am supposed to be your two IC.”

Lucy stared at her, wordlessly and Alex realised that officially, she wasn’t actually supposed to be there, let alone second in command.

She squirmed under Lucy’s gaze and sipped her beer to break eye contact.

Lucy let it drop and tidied up her files, finally giving up on work for the night. She pulled out a new bottle of scotch and two glasses. Pouring generous measures, she handed one to Alex.

“To ops that go great.”

“Jesus, don’t jinx it.” Alex rolled her eyes but clinked her glass and took a sip.

“You sprung for the good stuff.”

The look on Lucy’s face was utterly unreadable and she was silent for long moments.

“I’m hoping that after tomorrow you’ll stop saying just ‘one more op’ and you’ll transfer permanently.”

“No pressure on tomorrow then.” Alex joked. 

“Your own team, Alex.” Lucy was not joking, Her face was as serious as Alex had ever seen it.

“You and me, running this place together.”

Alex sat back in her chair and sipped her drink contemplatively. She could hear warning bells going off but they weren’t as loud as she knew they should be. 

This still felt comfortably familiar, being here, back on the base, doing something, making a difference. Sitting in Lucy’s room, joking and talking. It was so effortless. She hadn’t had a full blown incident since arriving, despite a couple of near misses. Every minute had been filled; training, drills, missions. There had been no time to stop and think. She only ever saw the inside of her room to change and sleep and even that was brief, and she was so exhausted from being so physically active that it kept the nightmares mostly at bay.

It would be so easy to stay, but it wasn’t right, she knew deep down that she was running away and hiding. And then there it was; the image of Lena’s face came unbidden to her mind. She was always there, never far away from her thoughts. After everything, she was still in love with her and she really did want the second chance the younger woman had offered her. But she had no idea how to be the person she needed. Alex tried hard to ignore the twisting feeling in her gut, telling herself this trip to the desert was only temporary, a necessary stop on her road to recovery. But she knew she was lying to herself. She could run from it all she wanted, but eventually she was going to have to face her real life at home or she'd be running forever. 

Guilt ate at her and she reached for the bottle of scotch to drown it in every way possible.

She leaned over and refilled Lucy’s glass.

“Let’s just live through tomorrow, eh?” 

She winked at Lucy and clinked their glasses together, before draining hers.

Taking the hint, Lucy changed the subject and they returned to re hashing previous ops and finding the most outrageous stories to try and outdo each other in their ongoing competition of ‘number of things going wrong and still succeeding in the mission’.

Alex was hanging onto her ribs as she laughed so hard, tears were streaming down her face several hours later at one of Lucy’s utterly improbable shaggy dog tales.

“You are such a bullshit merchant, Lane.”

“S’totally true, I swear.” Her replied was slightly slurred.

Alex wiped her eyes and drained her glass, slamming it down on the table.

“Right, better get some sleep if we are gonna kick the ass out of this op tomorrow.”

Lucy stood as she did, so close that Alex could smell the hint of vanilla from her shower gel, felt the intensity of her gaze. Lucy’s breath was warm against her face. 

The moment hung there for a handful of heartbeats, before Alex cleared her throat and stepped backwards towards the door.

"See you in the morning, Lane. Don't be late for the early run. We’ll need to be at full alert for the final take down tomorrow."

She flashed the other woman a small smile as she closed the door behind her.

She felt her heart hammering as she covered the short distance to her own end of the bunk room.

Alex very much did  _ not _ think as she fell onto the bed, fully dressed, and let the alcohol in her system carry her off into oblivion.

Another morning, another op Alex thought as she surfaced slowly very early the next day. As consciousness fully returned, it was followed by a rush of emotion and a wave of anxiety when she remembered the previous night.

Stripping out of her fatigues she attempted to squash everything into the boxes in her mind and slam the lids. She felt her anxiety increase as she realised they were starting to overflow.

She pulled on her running gear and grabbed some mouthwash before heading out into the predawn darkness. 

She was edgy as hell as she attempted to warm up until the door at the other end of the shipping container was flung open and Lucy appeared, baseball cap pulled low over her eyes. Hoodie pulled up over the top.

“I take it all back, nope, fuck it, invitation rescinded. Fuck off back to the damn boonies and take your fucking early starts and sodding running with you.”

Alex laughed, feeling some of the tension drain of her. This she could deal with, everything else could wait until after the mission. Military mental compartmentalization at its finest.

“Good morning.”

“Don’t fucking good morning me. It’s still night. Just fucking run.” 

They both laughed and started off at a fast run around the base.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do NOT take prescription painkillers with alcohol. It is dangerous.
> 
> You can talk to me on Tumblr @ jellybabykid


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The premise of this whole fic is: 
> 
> “What happens when terrible communication skills meet Very Bad coping strategies.”
> 
> Alex has some truly atrocious coping strategies (Lena isn’t exactly winning here, either) and pretty much everyone involved has terrible communication skills. 
> 
> And now all of these things are about to come to a head...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the longest chapter yet and I am both nervous and excited to share the penultimate part.
> 
> I'd love to know what you think. 
> 
> You can either comment here or talk to me on Tumblr @ jellybabykid
> 
> Thanks for sticking with me!

Once again Alex was packing. It didn't take long to collect up her personal effects. The plan was to teleport to the DEO HQ and head out from there, under their cover as SWAT. The packed bag was in the hope they captured their targets alive and would stay and debrief them at HQ. And, of course, if it all went well, there would be the mother of all celebrations that night in the city.

It was barely dawn. Their run had been even earlier than usual to allow for an early mission start. Alex looked around her room one last time in the grey light and tried not to think about when, or even if, she would be back.

The base teleport room was massively over capacity with 12 people crammed into it, all in full black tactical gear and heavily armed, each carrying a small overnight duffle. The atmosphere was an odd mixture of something like pre-holiday excitement and apprehension, with a lot of good natured jostling and too loud laughter. 

Going through the single person portal one at a time was slow going, but still faster than driving up to National City, and stealthier than arriving in two DEO helicopters. DEO HQ was still on the night shift and sparsely staffed, which made for a rapid turnaround, once they had all arrived, getting personal effects stowed and heading to the garage. Two unmarked black vans were waiting for them, parked across from Alex’s bike.

She thought it seemed almost incongruous sitting there. A reminder of that other life, the one she was still running away from instead of running towards.

She shook it off as Lucy handed out SWAT patches to Velcro to their body armour and, after a last minute reiteration of orders, they piled onto the two vans; Bravo Team in the left van to head to site one and Alpha in the other; Quinn climbed into the driver's seat, with Lucy riding shotgun, Alex,  Garcia, Miller and Davis took the back. Two each on the basic boxing along the sides that served as makeshift seating. 

As they pulled out of the garage into the pale morning light they fell silent. The only sounds the clicks of equipment being checked and rechecked and Lucy’s muted directions. Even though Quinn had studied the route in such detail he could have driven it in the dark with the lights off. The protocols were oddly comforting though. The tension in the confined space ratched up as the van headed inexorably towards their target. The sense of restlessness, edginess was a living thing, an extra passenger in the space filled with the four of them. The two guys were solidly built, without the extra bulk their armour and combat gear gave them and Miller wasn’t exactly a petite woman, the four of them crammed in made the compartment feel surprisingly small. The mix of anticipation and anxiety pouring off them all made the space airless and hot.

It was another of the many things Alex was trying very hard not to think about, as being too warm felt very much like the start of a panic attack and now was most definitely  _ not _ the time for that.

Her leg bounced and Davis clicked the chinstrap on his helmet repeatedly and annoyingly and then the van turned and Lucy’s voice resounded from the front. 

“Two Mikes people, look alive.”

The response was immediate, the unified reply of “Yes Ma’am.” 

The four of them sat up, even more alert, if that was even possible and there was a flurry of last minute checks of equipment, safeties, magazines. 

And then the van stopped.

Alex and Davis eased open the back doors and they all dropped soundlessly onto the tarmac. bent low, rifles at the ready, they moved along the street to the target house. 

Davis and Miller peeled off down a lane running along the side of the building, to cover the back. Garcia followed to cover a side window which left Lucy, Alex and Quinn to head to the front. 

Alex and Quinn took up their positions to the left of the front door, Lucy to the right.

Lucy raised three fingers and lowered them in silent countdown, as Alex extracted a stun grenade from the pocket of her equipment vest, and prepared to pull the pin.

As Lucy lowered her index finger, Alex pulled the pin and tossed the grenade through the front window, shattering the glass in an explosion of sound and smoke. An echoing of the sound came from the side and back of the house. Synchronously Quinn kicked the front door open and stepped back as Lucy went through, rifle raised.

She bore off right, Quinn headed upstairs, followed by Miller coming in through the back and Alex went left.

There was the boom of shots being fired from the upper floor, followed by the pop-pop of suppressed shots in return and a thump as something heavy hit the floor.

The smoke was clearing as Alex moved steadily through the front room, to the adjoining one behind. A figure appeared from around the corner in the second room, gun raising up as he came towards her and Alex fired two shots, centre mass, and the figure fell, gun skidding uselessly from his fingers and his body hit the floor.

Alex kicked it away and continued past him, checking the room beyond. There were muffled thumps from somewhere further up and she knew that Quinn and Miller had reached the third floor and, she assumed from the noises. that they were engaged in fist fights. The sounds from outside suggested that more than one someone had tried to run. And found Davis and Garcia as welcoming committees. 

Alex walked out of the living room, rifle barrel still raised, just in case, and pressed the talk button on her comms unit.

“Alpha Two. Clear.”

The lack of replies meant the rest of the team were still engaged in their own areas.

Alex stepped into the hallway and saw Lucy, on her own in the kitchen, yanking a door open. 

Alex knew that wasn't in the plan; there had been a basement on the blueprints for the building, and Lucy was supposed to wait for Quinn and Miller to clear the upper floors and provide back up before Lucy and Alex checked the basement together.

Alex immediately yelled a warning as she broke into a sprint.

Grabbing Lucy round the waist she span them both, facing her back to the stairs. There was a loud boom and Alex felt something hit her shoulder, missing her body armor and knocking her off balance. She fell, uncontrollably, pulling Lucy with her. They tumbled down the stairs with Alex taking the brunt of the hits from each step on the way down, but heard a dull thump as the Major hit her head on the end of the rough bannister at the bottom of the stairs.

Alex rolled with the momentum and was up on her feet, placing herself between her dazed CO and whatever was waiting for them in the basement.

As she stood she saw a row of grinning teeth that would have put a shark to shame and recognition was instant. The second her mind realised what she was seeing she heard the tick of a broken clock and the image came unbidden to her mind.

She felt herself rage internally - not  **_now_ ** dammit - and she bit her lip, hard, drawing blood, using the pain to yank her back to the present. 

The image flickered and was gone, and she was staring into the face of the leader of the gang she had infiltrated, all those months ago.

Alex reached back to touch Lucy’s shoulder to reassure herself she was still breathing.

The man in front of her was humanoid, a K'hund, not much above average height for a human male, but built like someone who spent as much time in the gym as she herself did, but his time was clearly spent mostly in the weight room, something of a concern, given the race were known for their super strength.

His predatory grin spread as he recognized his quarry.

“Agent Alex Danvers.” He sneered, pulling himself up to his full height.

He made a show of tossing his gun aside, making sure Alex didn’t miss the insinuation that he didn’t think this small earth woman was any kind of threat.

Alex felt herself grinning malevolently in response as she yanked off her helmet, rifle lost in her rush to save Lucy. She flexed her fingers and clenched them into fists at her sides.

“Let’s dance.”

She didn’t wait for a reply, but used every ounce of her enhanced strength as she launched a roundhouse kick to his head, snapping it to one side before following with a series of punches first to his solar plexus, winding him and then to the side of his head, disorientating him, followed by a further body blow.

He hit the ground on one knee, but took the opportunity to pull a knife from his boot and brought it down into the front of Alex’s thigh, making her hiss with pain.

The alien used the distraction to punch out towards Alex, missing entirely as she pivoted out of the arc of his swing, pulling her knee up at the same time, yanking the knife out of her leg with her opposite hand, and using the momentum to knee him in the face, his nose splitting and blood spraying out into the room. She plunged the knife into his shoulder as the force of the blow turned him.

He grunted and launched himself up from the floor, using his bulk to tackle her to the ground. Alex managed to get her knee between them as they fell, and used his own momentum against him, throwing him off and into the wall behind them.

And right behind Lucy, where she was now trying to stagger to her feet, dazed.

He was on his feet instantly, and reached for Lucy, grabbing the back of her body armour and pulling her to press against the front of his body, as he reached back and yanked the knife out of his shoulder and swung it in an arc towards her throat. 

Alex didn’t hesitate, her sidearm clearing it’s holster before the knife had even had a chance to touch Lucy's skin. Two shots to the forehead left him with a momentary look of utter shock as he let go of the Major and fell forward, Lucy dodged out of his way, the knife clattering to the ground as he landed. 

Alex pointed the gun at his prone body, breathing heavily.

She prodded him with the toe of her boot to make sure he really was dead, before holstering her weapon.

It was then that she felt a searing, burning pain in her left shoulder. Touching it, her fingers came away soaked with blood and she realised she had been shot. Which was what had propelled them down the stairs.

Lucy looked at her in dazed confusion, a cut on her forehead oozing blood where she had caught it on the way down.

“You good?” Alex panted.

Lucy nodded and winced.

Alex thumbed her comms.

“Alpha One and Two clear, but we need a clean up crew and medic in the basement. 

Alex looked down at the alien's prone form and the adrenaline started to subside.

She looked up at Lucy.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” She yelled at her CO. “You opened that damned door with no fucking back up. He fucking shot at you.”

Lucy grinned back. “You were there, you saved my ass. Same as ever Danvers, See? We make a great team.” 

Her reply was chilling in it’s casualness and Alex heard her mother’s words echoing round her head. “She’s the devil on your shoulder, Alex.”

And then it hit her, the thing she had been trying to put her finger on.

“You knew. All this.” She gestured at the dead body.

“You knew it was the same damn crew that I went undercover with. You told me they were gone, that you couldn’t find them. This is why you didn’t let me read the intel reports, isn’t it?”

The grin on Lucy’s face faded. 

“You didn’t need to know. You said you were only coming to the desert for training and then you came on one mission...” Her voice trailed off and she stared apprehensively at Alex.

“I didn’t want to scare you off.”

When Alex didn’t speak she carried on.

“I saw you at the DEO, Alex. I was worried if you knew it would break you, or you'd try and go charging off as one woman army like last time. You were back and we were a team again. Together.”

Alex couldn’t think, she couldn’t respond. Turning, she took the stairs two at a time and left the house for the fresh air of the street outside.

The unit had planned to re-group at the National City DEO headquarters after the raids and Alex found herself once again sitting in the medical bay. 

She had been treated for the stab wound in her left leg and her left arm was immobilised in a sling, the gunshot having been clean through - the bullet embedded somewhere in a wall in the house they had just left.

As for the raging hangover, suddenly so much worse for the conversation with Lucy, she hoped the heavy duty painkillers she had been issued with for her wounds would sort that out.

Lucy had been treated for a minor concussion and left the wing, unable to face the wall of silence she had been presented with following their confrontation in the basement.

Alex realised that her mental boxes had finally been blown apart. This whole operation. Last night with Lucy - the almost moment, her determination to keep Alex as her co-conspirator in her recklessness and then her keeping it from her about who and what they were dealing with. And now here she was, back in the DEO medical wing with everything else she had been avoiding still to face.

Alex’s unsecured mobile was in her hand, having sent an orderly to retrieve it from her locker. When she turned it back on, for the first time in days - weeks - it had buzzed nonstop for several minutes with incoming texts, missed calls and voicemails.

It vibrated in her hand with an incoming call. She groaned inwardly trying to figure out how the hell she was going to explain this to her mother.

She needn’t have worried. As her next of kin, her mother had automatically been informed that her daughter had been injured in the line of duty. Again. Alex had been almost unable to get a word past her mother’s lecture and then relief that she was ok. Although not really placted by her daughter’s comment that ‘It was just a gunshot wound’, choosing to leave out the stab wound and numerous other not-so-minor lacerations. 

She had eventually rung off, leaving Alex’s ears ringing from the sheer volume of her mother’s displeasure with her. 

Alex had been staring at the contacts page of her phone for several minutes after the call when there was a flurry of movement in the doorway and Lena strode in, stopping just short of the medical bed.

“Where the hell have you been Alex?” Lena was yelling too.

“You said it would be a couple of days and it’s been three fucking weeks. Three weeks without even so much as a damn text. I had to have your mother tell me you were back.”

Lena glowered at her, but before Alex could make any attempt at a response, the younger woman continued, clearly not finished yelling.

“And now you do turn up you’ve been fucking  _ shot _ ?!”

Alex winced and said nothing, but the movement didn’t go unnoticed.

“Is that a concussion too, or are you hungover?”

The only response was a somewhat sheepish look.

“I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep watching you disappear when you can’t deal with things and having you turn up hurt.”

She folded her arms, as if trying to hold herself together.

“You’re going to get yourself killed.” Her tone was both exasperated and pleading.

A thought crossed her mind and her jaw dropped in horror.

“Oh my God, Alex, is that what you  **_want_ ** ?!”

Alex’s jaw worked and she looked away, unable to meet Lena’s accusing gaze.

“You are a fucking mess and you’re turning me into one with you.”

When Alex didn’t answer, Lena held up her hands in front of her, in a gesture of surrender.

“I just... I can’t. I’m done.”

She was breathing hard, tears streaming down her face as she turned on her heel and stormed out of the medical bay.

Alex tried to scramble off the bed to follow, but the movement jarred her wounds and she hissed with pain and grabbed her arm. When she looked up, it was already too late, Lena was gone. 

She stared at the empty doorway and her first thought was that she really needed a drink. That thought stopped her before she could even take a step and knocked the breath from her, as effectively as if she had been punched. 

It was as if the final piece of a picture she hadn’t been able to fully visualise had clicked into place and the full extent of her situation hit her. 

She bent at the waist, careful not to jar her arm again, and took several slow deep breaths. As she stood, a completely different thought began to form and gain weight. It gave her feet momentum and she strode out of the doorway.

This time Alex didn’t disappear.

She strode through the DEO, oblivious to anyone and anything around her, including the pain in her arm. She headed straight for the locker room.

“Lane, you in here?” Her voice echoed off the tiled walls as she burst through the door.

“Alex, what’s up? Why aren’t you in medical?” Lucy frowned at Alex as she stood up from the bench she had been sitting on, dressed in clean black fatigue pants and a black sports bra. Her feet bare, a towel in her hands and her hair hanging damp around her face.

“I quit, Lucy.” Her whole body was shaking, her jaw set. The fist of her uninjured arm clenched so tightly by her side, her knuckles were turning white. 

“What?” Lucy dropped the towel onto the bench and looked confused.

“This. The DEO, Special Projects, all of it. I’m done. I quit.” She shook her head and shrugged her shoulders, wincing at the pain.

“What do you mean? Look...I know you got shot.” Lucy raised her hand placatingly. 

“But you’ll be healed in no time. You’ll be back out in the field. I thought you were enjoying being back out there? Us? Being a team again?” 

“No, Lucy. I am killing myself out there. I fucking ghosted my family for the last three weeks - my girlfriend. I got lost in it, the missions, the drinking...all of it.”

“Is that what this is about? Lena’s pissed because you got shot?” Lucy yelled at her, gesturing wildly.

“You’re both fucking danger junkies. That's what she’s attracted to. Injuries are a hazard of the damn job. Tell her to fucking suck it up.”

She thrust her finger at Alex. “You’re a fucking badass solider, Danvers, that’s who you are.”

Lucy was breathing heavily, as she ran her hands through her still damp hair.

“No, Lucy, it's not who I am. It’s who I have become. This is not about Lena, it’s about me. Maybe I am not looking to die yet.”

They stared at each other. Lucy’s expression clouded and turned dark as she clenched her jaw. Her face relaxed, but it didn’t quite reach her eyes as she threw her hands up in a gesture of surrender. 

“Fine. I think you're wrong and I think you’ll be back.”

“I will, but only to see Kelly. The DEO owes me that much, and it’s not like I can see a civilian shrink.”

“Fine, yeah...of course.” Lucy relented.

“I’m sorry Alex. It’s just….I’ll miss you.” 

She hesitated and Alex finally heard what she hadn’t been saying.

“You really are a badass you know.” Lucy gave her a half-hearted grin.

Alex laughed mirthlessly. “Yeah. That's the problem.” 

She turned and slammed the locker room door open as she walked out. Lucy slumped down onto the bench, her head in her hands.

Her next objective was back in the main DEO, off the control centre, in the administrative section.

She paused outside the office. The door was open, but she knocked on the doorframe.

Kelly looked up from the paperwork she was engrossed in, pen in hand, hovering above the page.

“Alex.” She frowned at the sling Alex was sporting and her dirt and blood smeared fatigues.

“Can I come in?”

“Yes.” Her response lacked the warmth of their usual interactions.

Alex entered the office and stood in front of the desk.

“I would like to return to our therapy sessions, please.”

“This isn’t a game Alex. You can’t pick it up and put it down when it suits you, just turn up when you are done running away.”

Alex winced as the comment hit it’s mark. 

“Therapy takes commitment, focus and work.”

“I appreciate that. I will do my best to be here, or on a video call every day. And I will give the app another go.” She tried not to grind her teeth at the last part.

“Tomorrow. Unless you are on a mission?” The question was pointed.

“No. Definitely no mission. I just quit the DEO.”

Kelly’s eyebrows rose and she sat back in her chair, as she stared at Alex, noting the determination on her face.

“Definitely tomorrow, then.” Kelly’s hostility thawed somewhat, her professional curiosity definitely aroused by that last statement.

Alex nodded and turned to leave.

By the time she returned to the locker room, Lucy had left. Getting showered and changed into street clothes with her wounds was difficult, painful and frustrating. But half an hour and a lot of swearing later she was outside the entrance to the DEO, in boots, jeans, a tee shirt and her bike jacket. The jacket was only draped over her left shoulder, but it made the sling less obvious.

She desperately wanted to go after Lena. But what could she say? She had never needed a drink more than she did right at that moment, which made the next step in her plan more painful than either getting shot or being held captive. 

Her wounds made riding her bike impossible, so checking the directions on her phone, she set off on foot.

The building was unassuming and she had almost missed the YMCA sign. By the time she found the right room, it was already filling up with about a dozen people and she could feel herself shaking with nerves.

As people drifted into the chairs set out in rows, the meeting settled down to start. The world suddenly seemed very far away and Alex could hear a faint ringing in her ears as the man at the front asked if anyone would like to speak. Alex raised her hand and got to her feet. She felt shaky, wobbly and could feel sweat start to prickle over her skin.

There was this sudden rushing, crushing weight of what she was about to do. This wasn’t something she could come back from. Once the door was opened she wouldn’t be able to go back through it again without fundamentally breaking something. 

She took a deep breath and opened her mouth. “My name is Alex and I am an alcoholic.”

\------------------------------------- 

Walking through DEO headquarters the next morning wasn’t as bad as Alex had feared. Her unit - and Lucy - had decamped back to the desert after the final raid the previous day. Probably by way of a few of the city's bars to celebrate first. 

Alex winced at the thought. It had been two days since her last drink and she was starting to feel it. The urge was a gentle but insistent pull in the back of her mind, coupled with a subtle sensation that felt like her skin was crawling for every minute she didn’t give in.

It was 9.59am when she arrived outside Dr Olsen’s office and knocked resolutely, not giving herself the last chance to chicken out.

“Come in.”

Kelly looked slightly surprised that Alex had actually turned up for her appointment and didn’t try to hide it.

“Alex.” 

Kelly came round from behind the desk, motioning the nervous looking woman to two armchairs in the corner of the office. They were hidden from the view of the rest of the admin section by floor to ceiling vertical blinds covering the glass walls. Kelly pulled them closed as Alex perched on the edge of a chair, nervously wiping the palm of the hand not immobilised on the thigh of her jeans. The gesture unconsciously echoing their first video session. 

Kelly tucked her skirt under her as she sat, folding her hands in her lap. She looked up at Alex, giving the woman her full attention and making her even more nervous.

“I went to an AA meeting after I left here yesterday.”

“And how was that?”

Alex tried very hard not to grind her teeth at the question.

“Every bit as terrifying as I expected. And I got shot yesterday, so.” She shrugged her good shoulder. “And yet, not as terrifying as this.”

Kelly smiled and Alex felt herself relax slightly.

“I…” she faltered and took a deep breath before trying again “I’ve been having these ‘incidents’.”

Her nerve failed her and she stared at her hand, where it rested in her lap.

“Can you tell me about them?” Kelly’s voice was so gentle and honestly curious, Alex felt something within her finally give and a dam broke.

She told her everything, from the burning sensation that flared across her skin, the first tick of the broken clock to the aftermath of feeling like a boat tossed at sea in a storm. 

By the time she had finished, tears were coursing down her face, eyes screwed tight shut, fist clenched in her lap so hard her knuckles were white. 

It was several long moments before she opened her eyes, to find Kelly holding a box of tissues out to her. The look on her face reflected Alex’s own anguish.

Grabbing a handful of tissues, Alex mopped her face.

Kelly waited for the distressed woman to regain some composure before she spoke, her voice quiet and calm, a contrast to the storm Alex felt inside herself.

“You’ve just described a flashback, Alex.”

“I..what?” She took a deep shuddering breath. “But...it’s so real...” her voice was a combination of shock and awe.

“How long have they been happening?”

“Since...well, in a minor way, since I got back, but this full on surround sound IMAX, VR version, since ...Oh.” She stopped suddenly, realisation dawning. 

“Since I started debriefing with Lucy.”

“That would make sense, being at your family home and going over it, it could have been a signal to your brain that the trauma was over and you were safe enough to start processing it.”

“The fuck…?” Alex exploded. “Seriously? This is  _ processing _ it?!”

“In a way. You were in survival mode when it was happening and weren’t able to process all the things you would have been feeling. So, you are feeling them now. Did you read the book on trauma I gave you?”

“Yes.” Alex was confused by the abrupt subject change. 

“It has a chapter on flashbacks. It might be helpful to you. When you are ready we can use some of the techniques it suggests along with our work.”

“Oh.I...er, skipped that chapter as I didn’t think it applied to me.” 

“Why didn’t you mention these incidents in our earlier sessions?” Kelly frowned, genuinely curious. 

“I didn't even know where to start. I thought it was something to do with what happened or maybe I was losing my mind. It’s…” She took a deep breath.

“I just feel so far away from everyone, it's like I’m looking at the world through a wall of glass and no matter how loud I scream, no one can hear me. And my head is just so, well... _ full _ . I didn't know how to untangle any of it to even start to explain it and the more I tried the more tangled it got, you know?”

“What changed?”

“Yesterday.”

“Getting shot?”

Alex looked up, surprised. “This?” She gestured with her sling. “God, no I’ve been shot before.” She huffed a laugh.

“No, something...else.” She hesitated, worried about reporting Lucy’s reckless behaviour, and the damage it could do to her career. No, she thought, one landmine at a time.

“Lena left me.” She looked directly at Kelly, who looked shocked, after everything Lena had been through to bring Alex back.

“She said she couldn’t deal with me running away every time things got tough and turning up hurt. She’s right.” She nodded. 

“It’s always been easier to run away from stuff than face it head on, it has been easier to hide in the pretence of duty or at the bottom of a bottle for a long time. I hadn’t ever realized before, but it’s been becoming apparent for a while but it just hadn’t quite come to focus, you know?”

Kelly nodded, encouragingly.

“It was like nothing was ever enough, the danger, the drinking. I got reckless, I hadn't even seen it.” She shook her head. 

“Lena’s comments really hit me. This isn’t a way to live; this is looking for a way to die and if I kept going it was gonna find me sooner or later.” 

“And you’re not ready to die?”

“No. I guess I’m not.”

“Well, that’s a good place to start.” Kelly smiled. 

\------------------------

  
  


Lena looked up as Jess stepped through the office door and stopped in the entryway, late on a Friday afternoon.

“Miss Danvers is here to see you.” 

Lena rose from her chair, smiling at the thought of seeing her best friend and started to move round her desk. She stopped abruptly and the smile slid from her face when Alex hesitantly entered her office.

“Hi.” Her voice was soft and her smile cautious. Her nervousness was apparent as she rubbed her palms against her ripped jeans.

Lena folded her arms and didn’t reply.

“I know it’s been a while and you probably don’t want to see me, but I need to give you something and I’d like to show you something, if you’ll let me.”

“I can’t just drop everything.” The reply was clipped and cold, but Lena could feel her heart speed up just seeing Alex again.

“Um, I might have checked your schedule with Jess, so I know you have no meetings or urgent deadlines, so actually you could take the rest of the afternoon off and tomorrow  _ is _ Saturday.” Alex grinned mischievously. 

Lena felt her resistance crack; her curiosity was piqued and she was surprised how good it was to see the other woman again, despite everything she had put her through.

When she didn’t get any further argument, Alex stepped further into the office, stopping so close Lena could smell her cologne, and held out her closed fist. 

Lena looked at it and flicked her gaze up to Alex’s, who smiled shyly. She held out her hand, palm up. Alex touched her fist to it and let go of what she was holding. The ghost of the touch sent a shiver through Lena. The item Alex had gently placed in her palm was circular and warm from the heat of her hand. Lena picked it up by its edges and examined it, looking at Alex with puzzlement.

“It’s a 30 day sobriety chip.” 

Lena raised her eyebrows in surprise, her lips curling into a small smile. 

“It’s  **_my_ ** 30 day sobriety chip.” She emphasized.

Sliding her hands into the back pockets of her jeans she rocked back on her heels, nervous energy pouring off her in waves.

“I quit the DEO. I quit drinking. I’m going to meetings, I’m going to therapy. 30 days of each so far.”

“Was this the thing you wanted to show me?” Lena rolled the coin between her fingers.

“No. That was the thing I wanted to give you. The other thing…” She rubbed the back of her neck with one hand and grinned anxiously.

“That’s... Gonna take a little trip.” Alex walked out of the office door briefly and reappeared with a backpack. She handed it to Lena.

“You’ll need to get changed.” Lena quirked an eyebrow in response but found she was smiling back at Alex’s grin.

Alex turned and left the office, pulling the door closed behind her to give Lena some privacy to change, despite the fact she had a private bathroom in which to do so. It was more a gesture of chivalry that made Lena blush faintly as she bit her lip. She had to admit that not only was she really pleased to see Alex, she was very much looking forward to whatever this adventure was. Unzipping the bag she peered inside and hurried to get changed.

Opening the office door a few minutes later, Lena found Alex leaning one hip against Jess’s desk, her arms folded as she chatted easily with the woman.

Alex felt herself smiling, along with Lena, when the other woman opened the door and spread her arms out. 

“Am I suitably attired now?”

The bag had evidently contained flat lace up boots, jeans, a heavy sweater and a leather jacket

“You’ll do.” Alex smirked as she handed her a bike helmet.

“So we’re going to Midvale, then?” Lena asked when they stopped for gas sometime later.

“Well, there was never going to be any hiding that part.” Alex rolled her shoulders and stretched her arms to the sky as the tank filled.

“Care to share any more details?” 

“Nope.” 

Lena pulled her helmet back on and tried to contain her curiosity as she swung her leg over the back seat of the bike and scooted up against Alex, before they resumed their journey. 

When they didn’t head for Alex’s family home, she was downright intrigued. They actually pulled up a little sooner than expected, in front of a smaller, and far more run down house, but still hugging the beachfront.

Parking up and climbing off, Alex leaned against her Ducati, arms folded, and ankles crossed, watching as Lena removed her helmet and shook her long hair out, finger combing out the worst of the tangles.

The younger woman stepped forward towards the house, unsure what she was supposed to be looking at.

“Well, it's not your mother’s place.”

“No.” Alex’s voice was soft and slightly scratchy with emotion.

“It’s mine.”

Lena turned back to face Alex, shock and confusion written across her features.

Alex took the bike helmet from Lena’s hand and propped in on the seat of the bike behind her.

“I don’t get it.”

“This is what I wanted to show you.” Alex paused, struggling with her emotions.

“What you said, when I saw you last in the DEO. There was a lot of truth to it.” She nodded, biting her lip nervously.

“I couldn’t say anything to you. You’re right, I am a fucking mess. I don’t know how  **_not_ ** to be a soldier, I have been with the DEO for most of my adult life. I joined after Dad disappeared. That was when I  _ really _ started drinking. That’s when J’onn recruited me. When I was at rock fucking bottom. I was crashing out of med school and I learned to use work, violence and alcohol to cope, to run away and hide.”

She took a deep shuddering breath and swiped at her eyes before she continued.

“I wanted to show you that I am committed to making different choices. I don’t have a plan. I’m not fixed. I am a work in progress, much like this place. I need something physical to do while I work through AA and therapy and learn how to  **_not_ ** be a fucking mess and this house is it. It’s away from the DEO and it’s something I can create while I try and figure some of this stuff out, as I have no idea who I am without it all, but I am willing to try and find out.”

Lena didn’t speak, she couldn’t. Tears were streaming down her face. She covered her mouth with her hands, as if she could contain all the things she was feeling, hearing Alex’s speech.

Before either of them could say another word, a moped with a top box on the back pulled up beside Alex’s bike. The rider clambered off and pulled a thermal bag from the carrier box and looked from it to Alex and then the dilapidated house in front of him.

“Delivery for Danvers?” He asked hesitantly, looking between the two women. 

“Yep, you’ve got the right place, thanks.” Alex handed him several folded bills and took the pizza box he pulled from the bag, along with a large bottle of soda he dragged from his surprisingly capacious storage box.

He looked slightly bemused at the two of them and the house before shrugging, and pulling off on his moped.

Lena pulled her hands away from her face and looked even more confused than the delivery driver.

“How…?”

“I texted when we stopped for gas. I had a rough idea how long it would take to get here.” She smirked, looking slightly smug. 

“Shall we?” She gestured towards the house with the box.

Lena was surprised to be led straight through the house and out onto the back deck, until she saw the pile of blankets waiting for them. Alex spread one of the blankets on the ground and put the pizza box and bottle down. She handed another blanket to Lena to wrap herself in while they ate. As they sat down, it was now fully dark. The gentle swell of the surf was the only sound. The lack of light pollution over the sea allowed the stars to be fully visible, past the edge of the porch roof. 

“Stargazing and pizza. This is our first date all over again.” Lena finally found her voice.

“Yes. It is.” 

Lena dragged her eyes from the stars to look at Alex as she spoke.

“I am hoping it can be a new start for us.”

Alex didn’t look at Lena, but opened the pizza box and offered it to her to take a slice, before taking a piece herself. She chewed slowly before she spoke again.

“I love science, I always have. I got into medicine thinking I could help people. I thought I could do that at the DEO, but that was all because of Kara. She’s the one who wants to save the world. They recruited me because of her. I realise now that it wasn’t really my choice, none of it was ever my choice. Mom and Dad had always wanted me to protect her and look out for her and by doing that I let myself disappear. I lost myself.”

Tears welled in her eyes and her voice hitched. When she spoke again her voice was constricted and small.

“And then I lost you. Again.”

Lena didn’t speak but her own eyes were filled with tears too.

“Maybe with this place I can finally find myself.” 

She looked at the faded and battered house, with a spark of hope in her eyes. 

“I never wanted to be a CEO.”

Alex looked at Lena as the other woman spoke, her voice soft.

“Luthercorp was always Lex’s dream.” She huffed a laugh. “Even renaming it LCorp, I guess we both lost ourselves to our siblings' dreams.”

Alex didn’t laugh but got a thoughtful look.

“Maybe while I’m looking for myself we can find each other along the way and one day you’ll want to come and live here with me.”

Lena looked at her, emotions flickered rapidly across her features, but her gaze didn’t waiver.

“I’d like that.” She replied, without hesitation, her face splitting into a huge smile.

Alex looked totally surprised, but beamed in response.

“Really?”

“Yes.” Lena repeated and leaned forward, taking Alex’s face between her hands and kissing her slowly.

When they parted Lena was still smiling broadly, the expression mirrored on Alex’s face too.

“So...were you planning on staying here...now?” Lena looked around her and sounded doubtful.

Alex burst out laughing. “Dear God, no it’s a hovel! Mom said I can stay with her as long as I need, while I get it liveable. I was kinda hoping you’d stay over tonight. I’d like you to see this place in daylight. I could drive you back after lunch. The guest room is made up.”

“Well you did check with Jess that my schedule was clear, so if you’ve packed my toothbrush I could stay for the weekend. I guess we have a lot to talk about.” 

Lena leaned over and rubbed the pizza sauce off Alex’s cheek, where she had accidentally smeared it.

“I can’t believe you’ve done all this.”

“Like I said, it’s a work in progress. But you were right, I needed to change. I needed to do this for me, before I got myself killed.”

“How’s it going?”

“I hate therapy. I finally see the point in mindfulness. AA is, well it is what it is, but there are some good people and it helps seeing other people dealing with this stuff too. Ok, I don’t  _ hate  _ therapy. It’s just...tough, you know?”

“Actually, I do” Lena fidgeted with a piece of pizza, pulling the crust off. “After I saw you last, I thought I should take my own advice and I’ve been seeing someone, a therapist, I mean.” She clarified at Alex’s wide eyed look. 

“I’m not exactly in a place to be pointing out other people’s flaws. I drink a little too much and I work a little too hard.” 

Alex snorted with laughter “A little?”

Lena mock frowned at her.

“Yes, ok, but I did say I was doing something about it. I was devastated when I lost you again. I thought we were starting to do ok. It made me realise I needed to make changes too. I needed to talk about us and my best friend wasn’t exactly the ideal person.”

“Yeah, Kara’s not exactly gonna be impartial.” 

“No, she’s got too much skin in this game either way. She still blames herself for your leaving in the first place and starting all this mess.”

Alex chewed her bite of pizza and swallowed slowly.

“I think it was inevitable. I had been self destructing slowly for years, this just speeded it up. Being out in the desert again clarified so much for me. It just took a long time for me to really see it.”

She stared out at the stars, lost in thought.

Lena shivered next to her, the movement jolting her out of her reverie.

“Come on, let’s get to Mom’s before you freeze.” 

She stood brushing her hands off on her jeans and bending to pick up the pizza box and the blanket.

“This was a nice idea though.” Lena smiled at her.

“Yeah, maybe not in late Fall though.”

Lena reached out and took Alex’s hand in her own, linking their fingers together as they walked up the steps to Eliza’s house.

Alex turned and smiled at her, fishing her keys out of her jeans pocket.

The porch light was on, but the house was in darkness.

Pushing the door open she held it for Lena before closing it behind them and flipping the hallway light switch on,

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. Pulling it out she barked loudly with laughter as she read the text.

“What is it?” Lena asked her, startled by the explosive response.

Alex blushed.

“It’s Mom. She wanted to let me know she is spending the weekend at Kara’s.”

“She knew you were going to show me the house this weekend?”

“Well, yeah, I had to check it would be ok if you stayed here.”

Lena was utterly charmed by the bashful look on Alex’s face.

“I think Eliza likes me you know.” She smiled mischievously.

“You rode in on your white charger with a serum to save her daughter and barely left the DEO the whole time I was in the medical bay. Plus you taught her something new about bioengineering. She probably likes you a whole lot more than she likes me right now.” Alex replied wryly.

Lena stepped closer to Alex and took her hand again.

“Hey. You’ve stopped running. You said it yourself, you’re making different choices. She was just worried about you.”

“Yeah.” Alex pulled away and headed into the kitchen, flicking on the light and walking over to fill the kettle.

She put it down again on the counter and sighed, leaning on the sink. Struck by a moment of remembrance of her first major flashback in that very spot.

She turned to face Lena.

“Look, grand gestures aside, there’s some stuff you need to know.”

Lena pulled a chair out and sat down, resting an elbow on the table and propping her chin in her hand she looked at Alex. 

Alex fidgeted with her fingers and looked anywhere but at Lena.

“Since I got back...the first time. I didn’t know..I didn’t realise… I have been struggling with Depression. And PTSD.”

“I know.”

Alex gave her a wide eyed look and started to pace. She stopped and turned back to face Lena.

“And I have flashbacks.” She looked on the verge of tears again, her face twisted in pain and humiliation.

Lena stood and wrapped her arms round Alex, wordlessly resting her head on Alex’s shoulder. She stayed that way for several long minutes until she could feel Alex trembling against her. 

“It’s ok.”

Alex pulled away and looked her in the eye.

“Is it?”

Her gaze was searching.

“Is this really what you signed up for?”

“Alex, the last time I was here you told me you love me. Do you still?”

“Yes.”

“And I never stopped loving you, despite the arguments, despite you running away. Nearly losing you made me realise how much I didn’t want to. I have been so angry with you for giving up on us without a fight, for giving up on yourself. If you are ready to stand and fight then I am damn well gonna fight for you and with you. You just need to let me.”

Alex closed the space between them, taking Lena’s face in her hands, she kissed her. It was fierce and bruising, leaving them both breathless when she pulled away, resting her forehead against Lena’s, her hands falling to rest on Lena’s hips. Both of their faces were wet with tears.

“I’m sorry.” Alex’s voice was a hoarse whisper. 

“I got so lost.” 

“Are you still?” Lena’s voice shook.

“Yes...but I’m learning how to find my way.” Alex took a shaky breath.

“I should have told you everything.”

“I think if nothing else, we've learned that we sure as hell need to talk to each other."

Alex couldn't help but laugh at that.

“I think there are a lot of things we need to talk about.”

“But not all of them right now.”

Alex moved to look Lena in the eyes. There was a fire there that lit a spark in her own and she pulled her close and kissed her again, this time with an intensity that spoke of all the things she wanted to say, hadn’t said and perhaps would never be able to give voice to.

Pulling away, she linked their hands together and gently pulled Lena towards the stairs.

Where Alex’s kiss had been fire and intensity, their touches were slow and gentle, an acknowledgement of all that had changed between them. A reassurance that they were still here and still standing, after so much. 

Lena ran her fingers gently over the various scars Alex had acquired since they had last been together, her caresses reverential, as if she could heal them by touch alone.

It was attentive, deliberate and joyous and as Lena came undone underneath her, it was with Alex whispering “I love you” softly in her ear.

Alex was lying on her back afterwards, Lena nestled in the crook of her arm, snuggled up against her side, warm under the duvet. The gentle wash of the waves outside the only sound.

It was the closest she had felt to contentment and peace in as long as she could remember and it almost stilled the chaos swirling in her mind.

She was lost in these thoughts, a soft smile on her lips, as Lena ran her fingers lightly over the puckered skin on Alex’s shoulder where her wound was starting to scar.

“How did you get shot?”

“The leader of the terrorist gang that held me captive shot me while I was saving Lucy’s life.”

Lena propped herself up on her elbow and stared Alex in the face.

“You’re serious?”

“As a gunshot wound.”

“Lucy said they were gone.”

“Yeah, well, there are a lot of things Lucy doesn’t tell people.” Her tone had a bitter edge to it.

“This sounds like one of those many conversations we need to have.” 

Alex screwed her eyes tight shut before she spoke. Her words were brittle and weighted.

“He’s gone Lena. I killed him. They really are all gone this time.” She exhaled a shaky breath.

Lena pulled her close and gently kissed the healing scar. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this before the "Love songs and first dates" series and reading it back I can see where some of the ideas for that came from!


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I thought we’d agreed; no more secrets between us.”
> 
> “What?” Alex looked genuinely confused.
> 
> “I think you omitted two very important details the night you told me about how you got shot.”

The sun was starting to break through the clouds, burning off the early morning mist that signalled spring was gradually turning to summer as Alex jogged up off the beach and onto the back deck of the house.

She eased the back door open and strode into the kitchen, flipping the coffee machine on. It was a light and airy room now, a contrast to the dilapidated space it had been seven months ago. There was still so much that needed doing, but it was starting to take shape, starting to feel like home. The work was physical and demanding, often feeling like the house itself was fighting her, but it was gratifying. It felt good to be creating something for once.

“I’m just going to check in on the lab while I’m here and then I’ll pick up the stuff from the butchers on the way back.” Lena was doing up the strap of her watch as she walked into the room, casual in jeans and a sweater.

“Good morning.” Alex smirked and handed her a mug of coffee. 

“Sorry. Good morning.” Lena looked chastened as she took the mug. 

She leaned closer and kissed Alex languidly.

“It’s gonna be good when you aren’t split between the new lab and LCorp. I’m looking forward to seeing you for more than just snatched weekends.” 

“You’re busy with this place and therapy.” Lena nodded at the unfinished walls and the tool box sitting in what would be the dining nook, eventually.

“Anyway, the transfer is nearly complete. Sam will be CEO in Metropolis and I will finally be a full time researcher, here, in smalltown Hicksville.” 

Her tone was mocking and Alex pulled a face at her.

“Hey don’t knock it. You love Midvale.”

Lena sighed and smiled, sipping her coffee.

“Yes. Yes I do.” She looked out of the picture window at the sea beyond.

“I can’t wait to just be anonymous and working in a lab again. And you are always welcome to join me, one day, when you’re ready.” She nudged Alex with her hip.

“Yeah, maybe.” Alex replied thoughtfully. “Anyway, it’s hardly anonymous, you built the damn lab.” 

“Well, I needed somewhere I could properly explore all the ideas I’ve been storing up for years while I’ve been stuck in the damn boardroom.”

“Mom said her place still needs people.”

Lena laughed loudly. 

“I might be leaving the corporate world, but I don’t think I could get used to not being the boss.”

“Talking of Eliza, you need to get a shift on if you are going to make a meeting before she and Kara get here.”

Alex refilled her coffee mug and shoved off the counter she was leaning against.

“I can pick up the stuff on the way back, if you want?”

“No, it's fine. It will give me a reason to make sure I don’t get engrossed at the lab.”

“Sure. thanks.” 

Alex reached out to pull Lena into her arms, but the younger woman pushed her away, 

“Ew, no, you're still sweaty from running.” She laughed and kissed her. 

\------------------------------

Alex parked her bike and climbed off, pulling her helmet off as she moved. She would never get used to the feeling of walking up to her own front door. Even if it did need a second coat of paint.

Lucy was sitting on the steps, in boots, jeans and a tee shirt under her leather jacket. She leaned on her own crash helmet and Alex glanced back, having not noticed the bright red Ducati parked out on the road, having been lost in her own thoughts.

“Hey.”

“Hi.” Alex stepped past her and opened the door, holding it open for her.

“Want a drink?” Alex asked as they walked into the kitchen, and she dropped her keys on the counter.

“God, yes.”

Alex pulled open the fridge and pulled out two cans, thumping one down in front of Lucy.

Lucy looked disgusted.

“Soda?”

Alex popped the tab on her own can and took a long swallow.

“I’m in recovery. As well you know.” Her tone was deadpan. “I’ve just left an AA meeting.”

Lucy sighed theatrically and opened her own drink.

“How are you doing?” Alex changed the subject.

“Yeah, ok...bored as fuck riding a desk.”

“I’m sorry. I couldn’t not tell Kelly.”

“What? No, it’s not your fault. I asked for the transfer.” 

Alex couldn't hide her surprise.

“I’m covering for J’onn at HQ while he’s on Mars with M’gann, but I’m looking into getting out, going back to law.”

“Seriously?” Alex's tone was disbelieving. “No more Alpha One?”

Lucy  looked at Alex then, her expression disconsolate, her eyes shining with tears.

“Being Alpha One nearly got the person I care about most in the world killed, twice. So no, no more Alpha One.”

“Only twice?” Alex joked, keen to break the tension rising around them.

Lucy snorted and popped the tab on her drink.

“You know my Mom’s gonna be here, right?”

Lucy sighed, resignedly. “Yeah.”

“Come on, you can help me set fire to things.” 

Lucy's eyes lit up and she followed Alex outside to the garden, where a barbecue was set up, a bag of charcoal next to it.

“Get burning, Lane.” Alex handed her a box of matches.

The coals were just getting warm when Lena arrived back, she was still unloading the car with the meat for the barbecue when Eliza and Kara pulled up just behind her. Eliza started unloading large covered foil trays, piling them up in Kara’s willing arms. 

“How many do you think you’re feeding?” Lena joked.

“Two hungry Danvers sisters and I thought we might want some too.”

Lena laughed and Kara tried to look hurt, failed and laughed too. 

They carried the food through to the kitchen and Kara dumped the trays on the counter. Lena set about finding plates and handed Eliza serving utensils.

Eliza stopped moving abruptly, staring out of the window where Alex and Lucy were laughing riotously and prodding the barbecue. 

Lena felt the temperature in the room plummet, and followed the woman’s gaze. 

“What is she doing here?” Eliza’s voice was arctic.

“She’s Alex’s best friend.” Lena sounded confused, unsure as to why the older woman was quite so upset. 

“After everything? Seriously? Alex got shot saving her ass when she was being reckless.” Eliza gestured with the tongs in her hand.

Lena’s eyes went wide.

“You didn't know?”

“Alex just said she got shot saving Lucy.”

“Yeah, well she wouldn't have needed to if Lucy wasn’t so fucking hot-headed.”

Kara’s eyebrows shot up at her mother’s language.

“Mom.”

“What?” She looked at Kara. “You know she’s in love with her.” She directed the last comment back at Lena, staring directly at her.

“What?” 

“Lucy. That’s why she couldn’t let Alex go. Daredevils together. She thought they were a match made in hell.” Her tone was vitriolic. 

Eliza snatched up a serving dish and marched out of the back door, Kara hurriedly following in her wake.

Lena stood there for long moments, utterly stunned, before heading out after them.

She almost collided with Alex who was coming the other way.

Lena grabbed Alex’s elbow and dragged her back into the house, slamming the door behind them.

“I need a word with you.” She hissed in her ear.

She let go once they were in the kitchen.

“Alex, I thought we’d agreed; no more secrets between us.”

“What?” Alex looked genuinely confused.

“I think you omitted two very important details the night you told me about how you got shot.”

Alex folded her arms and raised her eyebrows questioningly in reply.

“That it was Lucy’s own recklessness that meant you needed to save her? And that she’s in love with you?”

“Would knowing either of those things made any difference?”

“That depends.”

“On what?”

“Were you sleeping with her? Did you love her, too?”

“What? No!” 

“But you knew she was in love with you?” 

“No. Not at first.”

Alex leaned back against the breakfast island, unfolding her arms and resting her hands on the counter top.

“I was so fucked up when I went out to the desert - both times - and I just, I couldn't see anything past the darkness inside my own head. It wasn’t until that last op that it suddenly all became so fucking obvious. She’d known about the terrorists and she kept it from me. I hadn’t seen her own addiction to the danger, the lifestyle and...well, everything.”

“You didn't speak to her for months. Why now?” Lena had her own arms folded, her expression unreadable as she leaned against the opposite counter, weighing Alex’s every word. 

“Why did you wait for me?” 

“What?” Lena looked confused by the abrupt change of subject.

“When you saw me the last time, we fought and you threw me out. But when J’onn called you, you didn’t hesitate. Why?”

“I couldn't abandon you. I still cared about you.”

Alex raised her eyebrows at Lena, who looked thoughtful.

“I might not be in love with Lucy, but I still care about her. She’s as much of a mess as I am. When she reached out recently I couldn't just abandon her, either. She barely gets on with her Dad and her sister. Outside of the DEO she’s got no one. She knows she fucked up and she knows that I love you. That’s why I went to the desert in the first place, to get over you. It’s part of why I gave it all up, to be with you. She knows that. Deep down.”

They both jumped at the suddenly raised voices coming from the back garden.

“Well, I think you are going to have to save her again, before Eliza gets Kara to kick her into the sea.” 

Alex was out of the door and down the steps before Lena had barely moved, charging across the yard, coming to a shuddering halt between Eliza and Lucy, a hand raised towards each of them.

“Enough.” Her voice was so loud it reverberated around the small space.

“There has been enough fighting and enough pain in this family already. This is my home and you are all invited guests.” She looked pointedly at her mother. “And you  **_will_ ** all get along or you will leave.” 

Eliza was flushed and breathing hard and Kara looked about ready to fly Lucy into orbit.

“Mom, You can’t keep blaming Lucy for choices I made.”

Eliza looked like she was going to argue.

“No. Stop. Things are different now. Things are going to be different for all of us. Ok?”

Eliza nodded stiffly and stepped back, turning to finish setting up the food.

Alex lowered her hands and was surprised to find Lena standing next to her and taking one of Alex’s hands in her own. 

Lena gave her a look of understanding, kissed her on the cheek and moved to help Eliza with the food, corralling Kara along with her.

Alex turned to face Lucy who was completely white and shaking, tears streaming down her face.

Alex grabbed the top of her arms and ducked to catch the older woman’s eyes.

“You good?”

She nodded wordlessly.

“Come on, let’s take a walk, let everyone cool off.”

She draped an arm over Lucy’s shoulders and steered her off towards the beach. 

Alex dropped her arm and stuffed her hands in her pockets and Lucy swiped at her eyes as they walked.

Once they were out of human ear shot Lucy finally spoke.

“Your Mom has a  _ lot _ of anger.”

“Yes, she does. She almost lost her eldest daughter, so it's not really surprising.”

“She blames me.”

“Because she can’t bring herself to blame me. Or herself for having any part in the way things turned out.”

“Still seeing the shrink then.” Lucy laughed.

“Yep.” Alex made a loud popping sound on the last letter.

“You said something back there.” Lucy started

“Yeah, which something? The bit where I threatened to throw my own mother out of my house for yelling at you?” Her tone was slightly shocked at her own words.

“You said ‘this family’?” 

“Yeah, I did.”

The silence hung between them for several minutes as they walked.

“Lucy, a lot’s happened between us and that’s gonna take time to work out, along with fucking everything else in my life, but you are my best friend and a part of my family. And families forgive each other. Eventually.” She huffed a laugh. “I hope.”

Lucy was silent but Alex heard her sniff and swallow thickly.

Alex turned back to face the house. 

“Come on, let’s see if everyone’s calmed down enough to actually eat something or this is gonna be one crap first barbecue.”

Lucy gave a watery laugh and they started to walk back along the sand.

“You’re not gonna make me work on the house, are you?” 

“Abso-fucking-lutely I am. I need all the free labour I can get now I’m unemployed.”

They both laughed.

As Lena climbed into bed later that night Alex lifted her arm so that she could snuggle up against her.

“That went...well. Ish” 

“Hey, everyone survived, more or less, and I didn't get shot, so mission success.” 

Lena laughed and felt Alex’s chest vibrate beneath her with her own amusement.

“I’m sorry I doubted you.”

“What, with Lucy?”

“No. That I ever thought you might be capable of betraying me.”

Alex leaned over and gently kissed her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here we are, at the end of my first ever multichapter Supergirl/Agentcorp fanfic.
> 
> I would be delighted to know what you think now it's finished.
> 
> You can leave a comment here, if you would like, or you can talk to me on Tumblr @JellyBabyKid
> 
> Thank you *so much* to all the people, we have subscribed, liked and commented. Especially those kind souls who commented on every chapter. I have loved every word. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this whole thing as much as I enjoyed writing it.
> 
> You can check out some of Alex’s playlist (and some of my writing soundtrack) here:  
> https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLEDB0oVj5kIhSeanR0krRCSvFbLGYarBp
> 
> For those who are interested, there is more angst in progress, but a little different this time as it is Alex/Lucy as they just clicked more than I expected here and would not let go.


End file.
